White House Announces "Adopt an Inmate" Program

Under continued pressure from the worldwide community, President Bush announced that he was seeking to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility. Guantanamo Bay is currently home to about 450 alleged members of Al-Quaeda, the Taliban and other assorted nasties, however closing the facility may be more complex than first thought.

John B. Bellinger III, the State Department's legal adviser, said in a press conference today that many of the home countries of the detainees do not want their nationals returned to them. Another concern is that the prisoners may face human rights violations in their own countries. Finally, the prisoners are smack dab in the middle of a giant intraprison ping pong tournament. With two rounds left to play, closing the prison is unthinkable.

During a recent USA/European Union summit in Vienna, European leaders put heavy pressure on President Bush to close the facility. French President Jacques Chirac said during an impassioned speech, "These poor men are being imprisoned unfairly under the most despicable circumstances. You must let them go."

President Bush, who was noticeably moved by Chirac's plea responded, "You're right Jacques. What we are doing is just plain wrong. We'll have your nationals on a plane to Paris first thing Monday morning."

An equally moved Chirac responded, "Well, that's o.k. You don't have to send them back right now. We can't get the ones we already have to stop torching cars."

In a press conference after the summit, President Bush spoke about the French Leader by saying, "You know, I just now realized that Jacques Chirac rhymes. Say it three times fast, its really quite catchy."

In order to alleviate the Guantanamo Bay situation, the government is asking the American people to step up and open their homes to the poor imprisoned rejects. The White House has just announced the brand new "Adopt an Inmate" program. The program will be headed up by newly unemployed anchorman, Dan Rather.

Dan introduced the program today during a White House Press Conference. "It works like this. You visit our website for photos and short bios of all of our inmates. If you see an inmate you like, click on his photo, fill in your name and address and he's yours. Don't worry folks, there is no credit check involved." Below are just a few of the inmates who are looking for loving homes:

Chi Du - Chi Du is an Uighurs Chinese native who was captured in Afghanistan during the initial invasion. He says when he became a terrorist he was going through a bad time in his life. "My dog had just died and I twisted my ankle, but I'm ready to put it all behind me and join your family." Chi Du enjoys backgammon and watching Fear Factor. Chi Du is concerned that if he returns home that the government will sell his spleen on the black market.

Ahmad Habib Husseini - Husseini, who is no way related to Sadaam Hussein, was captured in Bagdhad attempting to blow up an American Munitions Truck. Husseini, who has no family in the middle east, says that he really digs the U.S. and would like to live somewhere in Kentucky. Husseini enjoys playing dungeons and dragons, reading his Koran, and dancing to early eighties Madonna.

Muhhammend Al Hasim a.k.a. Musab Abu Ladin a.k.a. Hada Bin Farakkan a.k.a Fred Jones - Fred, as he likes to be called, joined the Guantanamo family shortly after attempting to blow himself up in downtown Fallujah. Fred is a British native, however the British claim that he never lived there under any of his names. Fred enjoys listening to his iPod and makes a mean bowl of chili. Won't you take Fred home today?

For more information on the "Adopt an Inmate" program, please contact Dan Rather c/o The White House "Clean up Our Messes" Department.