Monday, October 30, 2006

Rocking of the White Sweat Pants - Postponed due To Laryngitis

Rock veterans the Rolling Stones have been forced to postpone their second concert in three days due to the throat problems of big lipped frontman Mick Jagger. Tuesday, the Stones postponed a show at New York's famed Beacon theater and Monday, they postponed a show just hours before it was set to begin in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Stones fans had already begun to arrive at the New Jersey arena when the announcement was made that the concert would not be played that evening.

Fan disappointed reached almost frenzied levels amidst rumors that the concert would have heralded the return of Mick Jagger's famous rockin white sweat pants.

Dairy Queen Blizzard Technician and longtime Stones fan, Connie McGregor was in tears as she left the venue, "I can't believe the concert has been cancelled. I just wanted to see Mick rocking those white sweatpants one more time before I die or he dies."

Ticketmaster employee, Jedd Stevens was forced to close his ticket window to ward off the thousands of fans demanding refunds, "People are just really ticked off that Mick didn't show up to rock the white sweatpants. It isn't ticketmaster's fault that the white sweat pants aren't here."

CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer was on the scene covering the concert and had this comment to make, "Fan consensus is that the show should have gone on due to the fact that Jagger's singing is secondary to his legendary rocking of the white sweat pants. On a personal level, it's enough to make a grown man cry."

A Rolling Stones spokesperson released a statement today apologizing to the fans and promising to reschedule the missed dates, "The Rolling Stones are anxious to make amends for the fans' inconvenience. Concert dates will be rescheduled for early spring when Mick will be rocking both the white sweat pants and the spandex purple v-neck."

In the meantime: Ladies (and Gents) start your engines!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Vote Barack Because I Look Like Spock!

Illinois Democratic Senator Barack Obama revealed Sunday morning that he is considering making a run for the White House in 2008. Obama told Meet the Press host Tim Russert that despite comments he made in 2004, he is now giving serious thought to a Presidential campaign.

Obama, though being deliberately vague, hinted that he would be running for the White House by using the word "run" as many times possible within a twenty second time period. Obama told Russert, "We have a long and rigorous process. Should I decide to run, if I ever did decide to run, I'll be confident that I'll be run through the paces pretty good."

Reporters asked President Bush in a White House Press Conference this afternoon how he feels about Obama succeeding him in the White House. Bush shared this chilling response, "Let's take a closer look at this so called Senator from Illinois. His first name is Barack which rhymes with Iraq. His middle name is Hussein and his last name is Obama which rhymes with Osama. Coincidence? I mean sure he's sexy, but its painfully obvious that the man is a turrarist."

When reporters asked Senator Obama if he had any thoughts on the President's comments, he had this response, "The President thinks I'm sexy?"

An anonymous source that may or may not be Senator Obama's mother revealed these slogans which have already been written for the 2008 campaign:
- Vote Obama Because I Ain't too Hard on the Eyes
- Vote Obama Because My Ideas are As Big As My Ears
- Vote Obama - No More Tax Breaks for The Man!
- Vote Obama Because You Like To Say Obama
- Vote Obama - I am Not a Turrarist!
- Obama, Obama, Llama, Llama, Duck.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Love Those Duke Boys - Except for Luke

Tonight I officially celebrate twenty eight years of being madly in love with Bo Duke.

Luv ya Bo! Happy Anniversary!

P.S. When searching the internet for Dukes of Hazard information, do not Google "Crazy Cooter." Trust me on this one.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Material Girl is the Latest to Jump on Fashion Bandwagon

Entertainment Industry insiders are reporting that Madonna will be the latest celebrity to be sporting this fall's hottest fashion accessory - small African children.

Following in the footsteps of big lipped, homewrecking, trend setting actress Angelina Jolie, Madonna will tiptoe down the red carpet this season with a fabulous baby boy from Malawi to set off her collection of Vera Wang dresses.

E! Entertainment fashion maven Joan Rivers commented on the trend on her primetime E! Fashion program airing Thursday nights. Rivers told audiences that she expected most celebrities will be sporting African children by the time Oscar season arrives. Rivers said, "African children are really the hot 'must-have' this season, just like the impractical clutch bag from last year. I predict Jennifer Lopez will be the next celeb to illegally remove a child from Africa."

Rivers caught up with child wearing model Heidi Klum outside of the Helmut Lang show during fashion week.
Rivers: This African child is just fabulous. He really pulls the whole outfit together. Who are you wearing?
Klum: This is Malib from the Somalian Cutsie Tutsie collection. Isn't he fun?
Rivers: He really does add an air of whimsy to your outfit. Will you be keeping him?
Klum: Oh heavens no, he's on loan from Todd Oldham for Unicef.

However, the new trend has not come without it's fair share of outcry from human rights groups. As of press time, the Malawi government was trying to block the Material Girl's adoption on several legal precedents. Malawi Minister of Family Affairs told reporters, "We can't just have celebrities shopping for children in Malawi like they would for Coach Bags. Let them go to the Sudan for that."

Trina Marina, from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Africans, has been one of the most vocal opponents of the trend. She told BabyOwls in a phone interview, "This is outrageous. Should a human rights group really have to tell Madonna not to wear Africans as accessories? If you ask me, she's a big publicity ho-bag."

Madonna has been swift to respond to these allegations. She defended her decision to adopt the child, named David Banda, in a press conference yesterday. "I don't feel I should have to defend my decision to bring a child into my loving family. David, who we will rename Shlomo in line with our Jewish Heritage, is a full fledged member of our family in addition to being a faboo fashion accessory. No one can ever say that Madonna is a publicity ho-bag."

Reporters asked Madonna how her other children are adjusting to the new family member. A gushing Madonna replied, "Great, Lourdes is getting a little pouty because I won't let her wear Sholmo to school. But, I told her, not until she's twelve."

Reporters asked Madonna if she would be doing any fundraising for African causes. Madonna replied, "In honor of Shlomo joining our family, I will be donating 5% of the proceeds from my newest single 'Be My Jesus' directly to Sally Field."

A stunned Sally Field had this to say to reporters, "I have no idea why she's giving the money to me. Maybe she just really likes me."

The smash hit 'Be My Jesus' is the latest single from the controversial album, "Songs to Offend the Worlds' Major religions." Christian leaders have been quick to take Madonna to task for the catchy chorus of the 'Be My Jesus' tune which reads: Be My Jesus Boy if you dare/Nail me on Your Cross wearing Thong Underwear.

When asked for his comment on the Madonna song, Pope Benedict said, "Umm, I don't care."

Madonna earned harsh criticism from Jewish leaders following the release of the album's first single "Tie me Up and Call Me Esther." Despite the criticism, the song's line I cry Oy Vey when you touch that way enjoyed a short stint as a popular culture catch phrase used by such celebrities as Foxy Brown and Tony Bennett.

The next single, which is sure to set off worldwide embassy burnings, is the Muslim flavored "Ride my camel from Mecca to Medina." The song features rapper 50 cent rapping the line You wear the Hijab and I'll give the She-Job.

Other expected releases include the ballad "Skinny Dipping in your Holy Waters" and the techno beat "Hindu me All Night."

O.K. Kids, who will it be? Who will claim the "funniest blogger in the family"crown? Comment on this blog to vote for Sara. Comment here to vote for Sid. May the best Woman win.

The Great Blog Off

My entry to the great blog off will be appearing later today as my children's schools are closed due to the holiday.

Wait, today isn't a holiday. WTF?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

People- People Who Need People should Shut the F--- Up!

Streisand fans who shelled out $250 a ticket to see the Diva perform in the first tour since her farewell concert twelve years ago, were shocked to find that many of their favorite songs had been changed to accommodate Ms. Streisand's liberal political views. One fan, who became annoyed by Barbara's political ranting began to heckle her and told her to "Shut up and sing."

Displaying typical grace and class, Streisand told the fan to "Shut the F--- Up!"

Below are some of the updated lyrics that fans were treated to at last night's Madison Square Gardens concert:

Don't tell me not to shriek,
Just sit and putter,
Sadaam Hussein's Not a Fascist Dictator
He just a ball of butter.
Don't bring around a war mongering President
To rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
There were no WMDs
We've all been lied to.
Don't' bring around any common sense
To rain on my parade!

The WMDs were all a lie
George Bush has modified your memories
Of the way we were

People-Conservative Republican People
Are the blood thirstiest, warmongering people in the world.
We're children, George Bush likes to murder children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than the innocent children George Bush likes to murder while they sleep.

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Papa, Bush was the one who pulled out the UN weapons inspectors.
Papa, there was no Uranium purchased in Africa.
Papa, the people of Iraq will never elect a secular government.
Papa, George W. Bush invaded Iraq to out due his Papa.

At this point in the concert, Barbara's Papa miraculously called out from the heavens, "Barbara stop your sniveling rhetoric."
To which Barbara replied, "Shut the F--- Up!"

In a press conference the morning following the concert, President Bush was asked by reporters what he thought of Ms. Streisand's updated concert lyrics. President Bush replied, "You know what I really hate. I hate it when celebrities have farewell concerts and then turn right around and go on tour again. First it was Diana Ross, then Celina Dion and now Barbara Streisand. Seriously, once you've farewelled, its time to Shut the F--- Up!"

Reporters asked Ms. Streisand if she had any reply to the President's comments, to which she answered, "He should Shut the F--- Up!"

Streisand's husband, Actor and Aamoco stud muffin James Brolin told reporters , "I fully support my wife in her singing career and her political views and if I didn't she would just tell me to Shut the F--- Up!"

Reporters asked Ms. Streisand if she had any reply to her husband's comments, to which she answered, "He should really Shut the F--- Up!"

As of press time, calls to Ms. Streisand made by BabyOwls were not returned, but her publicist said that she has released a statement saying that I should "Shut the F--- Up!"

So, on that note, why don't we all Shut the F--- Up!

Monday, October 09, 2006

The Turrarists Got the Nuke-ya-lers!

BabyOwls has obtained the official transcript of an interview between Katie Couric and President George W. Bush which is set to air tomorrow night on whatever network it is she works for now.

Katie: Mr. President, what are your thoughts on the nuclear testing which took place today in North Korea?
Bush: The world community cannot tolerate this obvious act of nuke-ya-ler agression. The United Nations must stand up to Pyongyang and North Kurr-rea and say, "We will not tolerate turrarism."
Katie: So you consider this an act of terrorism Mr. President?
Bush: Absolutely Katie, North Kurr-rea was told to halt their nuke-ya-ler program. They went right on ahead and held nuke-ya-ler trials. We have reason to believe they want to use these nuke-ya-ler capabilities for turrarist activities. This is turrarism at its most turrible.
Katie: North Korea drew world criticism several months ago when they test fired a nuclear weapon into the ocean. Do you feel more strongly opposed to this test which took place on dry land?
Bush: Not really Katie. Unauthorized nuke-ya-ler testing is unauthorized nuke-ya-ler testing whether takes place over the ocean or on turra firma. Nuke-ya-ler turrarism is unacceptable over North Kurr-rea's turritorial waters or any of North Kur-rea's turritories.
Katie: Mr. President, members of the North Korean government have defended the testing by saying that Nuclear energy would do alot to ease the North Korean Financial crisis. How else would you suggest North Korea raise desperately needed funds - tourism?
Bush: Well, obviously turism isn't the answer. You can't have turism when there's turrarism, that would be turrible. If North Korea were to cut out all nuke-ya-ler and turrarist activity, then I think turrism would be turrific.
Katie: Well, we thank you for your time Mr. President. Just to close off on a lighter note, I hear that Mrs. Bush is making some additions to the Rose Garden.
Bush: She's not really adding as much as she is refurbishing. All of the old turra cotta looked turrible, so she's having that cleaned up and she's considering adding a display of turrariums on the turrace.
Katie: Thank you Mr. President
Bush: Thank Katie and G-d Bless this Turrific Country of Ours!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

That's Life in the Shtetl

This just in: Chickens do not say cluck. They actually say Bee-Yaw! Bee-Yaw!

Go and google Kaporos.
Hebrew Crunk!

I can't decide if this is more offensive to Jews or Blacks.

On a side note, look for yours truly rocking out as the apple on the left.