Thursday, June 29, 2006

People Magazine Names Sexiest Man Alive 2006

Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has been name People Magazine's sexiest man alive for 2006.

President and Mrs. Bush hosted a formal White House dinner tonight to honor Koizumi who will leave office in September after serving as Prime Minister for five years.

As a token, the Bushes gave Koizumi, an avowed Elvis fan, a vintage jukebox which contained twenty five Elvis tracks. Koizumi selected `I Want You, I Need You, I Love You,' and shared a soulful duet with the President.

First Lady Laura Bush reflected on the duet, " I have to say that was one of the most touching moments of the entire Presidency. My husband rarely gets so touchy feely with small Japanese men. But, something about this small Japanese man is just so darn sexy."

After the ballad was over, the real fun began when Koizumi selected, "You ain't nothin but a hound dog" on the jukebox and began singing and widely gyrating his hips in pure Elvis fashion.
The room erupted in feminine shrieks of delight and several women fainted from the pure waves of sexiness that were radiating throughout the room.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had a front row seat for the show. She later told reporters, "Maybe I've just had a little too much champagne, but all I can say is 'Grrr, Tiger.'"

As Koizumi sang the line, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie." he gyrated over in from of Lynn Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney. Ms. Cheney had to fan herself rigorously with her napkin and later said, "I couldn't help myself. I was overcome with his pure sex appeal."

Secretary of Labor, Elaine L. Chao was overheard whispering to a friend that Koizumi was "one piece of prime Japanese Kobe beef."

The crowd was so enchanted with Koizumi's rendition of "Hound dog," they started shouting out their request. Before the night was over, Koizumi had delighted the White House audience with such Elvis classics as a heartfelt crooning of "Blue Christmas" and a foot stomping romp of "Heart Break Hotel." His dance moves during his grand finale performance of "All Shook Up" represented the ultimate in sexiness and had the women in the room (and some of the men) panting for mercy.

People Magazine caught up with Koizumi after the dinner and presented him with his "Sexiest Man of the Year" award. When reporters asked him what he felt was the secret behind his record sex appeal, Koizumi laughed and said, "Isn't it obvious? It's my sexy luxurious locks."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

BabyOwls Scoop: Short List Swapped from Walters Desk!

There was a noticeably empty chair at the table this morning on the set of the ABC girlie gabfest "The View!"

Star Jones Reynolds, who shocked the world yesterday with her announcement that she wouldn't be returning for another season of patronizing the American people, was apparently told that her stint on the view would end immediately instead of in July.

View creator Barbara Walters said to the viewing audience, "It is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. Therefore, regrettably, I told Star to pack up her crap and not let the door hit her in the fanny on the way out."

Walters told reporters that they informed Reynolds months ago that her contract would not be renewed. Walters explained to reporters that Reynolds had lost favor in the eyes of the viewers, "Our focus group results came back that people were just very uncomfortable looking at someone whose gigantic head was so disproportionate to the rest her body. One viewer told us, 'Good Gracious, can't you use special TV effect to make her head look smaller? She's freaking me out.'"

Walters did confess that the viewers of The View were also uncomfortable with her appearance. "Many of our viewers have also commented that they can't stand to look at me because my lips don't move when I talk, but I created the show so they can all take a long walk off of a short pier."

Reynolds seat is still warm and already the show biz world is all abuzz with talk of who her replacement will be. Well once again, BabyOwls has delivered an exclusive! Here is the short list which I stole of off Barbara Walters desk using a clever ruse of being there to deliver Chinese food. When she reached for the egg rolls, I grabbed the list!

Marcia Clark - Former OJ Simpson Prosecuter, Marcia Clark is the obvious choice to fill Reynolds chair. She is a lawyer like Reynolds, so she can assume Reynolds' job of explaining complex legal issues to the American people in painfully patronizing terms. Walters noted on the list that for Clark to be hired, she would have to sign an agreement to fully disclose the details of her juicy affair with fellow prosecutor Christopher Darden and to never again get a perm.

Farrah Fawcett - The former Charlie's Angel star might just provide the eye candy needed to bring in the thus far elusive male viewer. Walters noted that stipulations for Fawcett's hiring would include that she wouldn't be allowed to talk on air except for the phrases, "Yes," "No," "HaHaHa," and "You are so right Barbara." She would have to wear her hair in giant wings and she would have to lay off the smack.

Rupaul- A surefire way to get any remaining drag queens that are not already watching the show. This could also make the show look very hip as hiring Rupaul would send a message of gay acceptance. When questioned by gay publication, "The Advocate" as to why "The View!" didn't have a gay presence, Walters replied, "Isn't Joy Behar gay?" Walters noted that if Rupaul was selected, he/she would have to agree never to snap his/her fingers in a "z formation" as this is insanely annoying.

Rosie O'Donnell-comedian and Former talk show host Rose O'Donnell has already been named as moderator taking up Meredith Viera's vacant chair. Many pointed to a recent feud between O'Donnell and Reynolds as the reason for Reynolds departure from the show. Both parties denied this, but this is today's entry in Rosie's famous blog: jones go now/bw says she poopoo/i cool/i sit in chair/ jones had gastric bybass/bush bad

You heard it here first folks. BabyOwls - tell your friends.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

When Flags are Sexy

A proposed constitutional amendment to ban desecration of the flag lost in the Senate today. The Senators voted 66-34 in favor of the amendment, just one vote shy of the 2/3 majority needed to pass the measure.

There was some temporary confusion. After, the final count was read, Senator George Allen, Republican from the great state of Virginia, jumped up on his chair yelling, "Yee Haw we won, we won! Ratification Baby, In Your Faces!"

Senior Senator John Warner, R-VA, quickly set Allen straight by saying, "We lost you hayseed. Why don't you go read a third grade social studies book."

In a press conference this afternoon, a disappointed President Bush made his feelings known, "Which of these idiots actually voted yes for desecration of the flag? You go tell Joe Biden (Senator Joseph Biden, D-DE) that if he likes desecrating the flag so much, he should feel free to wrap himself in one and jump into the nearest landfill."

During an interview, Hillary Clinton was told about the President's harsh words, "Well, I certainly understand why the President would be upset, but I just couldn't, in good conscience, vote for a constitutional amendment which would effectively ban flags being made into rugged shirts. I mean there is nothing sexier than a man wearing a rugged flag shirt. Am I right ladies?"

When reporters told Senator Biden about the President's words, he had this to say,"I don't know what the heck he's pickin on me for, John Kerry didn't vote for the dumb amendment either. Go tell John Kerry to jump into a landfill. I just can't go home and tell my wife I voted for an amendment which would make her 1776 throw pillows illegal, and tell the President that the Tuesday racquetball game is OFF!"

Amendment Champion Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) wore a big smile as he addressed reporters after the vote, "Well, we lost one for Old Glory today, but I'm sure that the flag would be very proud of our efforts. I'm sure the flag would want to look us all in the eye and say, 'Thanks for sticking up for this grand old flag!' Of course, I can't really be sure what the flag would say, because flags can't talk. Unless, of course, you make them into puppets."

Etiquette expert Peggy Post told a group of ladies at an American Daughters of the Revolution Luncheon, "I'm really pissed off that this amendment didn't pass. The people of the United States are woefully ignorant of flag etiquette. I drive down the streets and think, 'Why don't people know how to hang up a f*&$ing flag?!'"

Why, indeed Peggy?
See this website for FAQ on flag etiquette:

Monday, June 26, 2006

White House Announces "Adopt an Inmate" Program

Under continued pressure from the worldwide community, President Bush announced that he was seeking to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility. Guantanamo Bay is currently home to about 450 alleged members of Al-Quaeda, the Taliban and other assorted nasties, however closing the facility may be more complex than first thought.

John B. Bellinger III, the State Department's legal adviser, said in a press conference today that many of the home countries of the detainees do not want their nationals returned to them. Another concern is that the prisoners may face human rights violations in their own countries. Finally, the prisoners are smack dab in the middle of a giant intraprison ping pong tournament. With two rounds left to play, closing the prison is unthinkable.

During a recent USA/European Union summit in Vienna, European leaders put heavy pressure on President Bush to close the facility. French President Jacques Chirac said during an impassioned speech, "These poor men are being imprisoned unfairly under the most despicable circumstances. You must let them go."

President Bush, who was noticeably moved by Chirac's plea responded, "You're right Jacques. What we are doing is just plain wrong. We'll have your nationals on a plane to Paris first thing Monday morning."

An equally moved Chirac responded, "Well, that's o.k. You don't have to send them back right now. We can't get the ones we already have to stop torching cars."

In a press conference after the summit, President Bush spoke about the French Leader by saying, "You know, I just now realized that Jacques Chirac rhymes. Say it three times fast, its really quite catchy."

In order to alleviate the Guantanamo Bay situation, the government is asking the American people to step up and open their homes to the poor imprisoned rejects. The White House has just announced the brand new "Adopt an Inmate" program. The program will be headed up by newly unemployed anchorman, Dan Rather.

Dan introduced the program today during a White House Press Conference. "It works like this. You visit our website for photos and short bios of all of our inmates. If you see an inmate you like, click on his photo, fill in your name and address and he's yours. Don't worry folks, there is no credit check involved." Below are just a few of the inmates who are looking for loving homes:

Chi Du - Chi Du is an Uighurs Chinese native who was captured in Afghanistan during the initial invasion. He says when he became a terrorist he was going through a bad time in his life. "My dog had just died and I twisted my ankle, but I'm ready to put it all behind me and join your family." Chi Du enjoys backgammon and watching Fear Factor. Chi Du is concerned that if he returns home that the government will sell his spleen on the black market.

Ahmad Habib Husseini - Husseini, who is no way related to Sadaam Hussein, was captured in Bagdhad attempting to blow up an American Munitions Truck. Husseini, who has no family in the middle east, says that he really digs the U.S. and would like to live somewhere in Kentucky. Husseini enjoys playing dungeons and dragons, reading his Koran, and dancing to early eighties Madonna.

Muhhammend Al Hasim a.k.a. Musab Abu Ladin a.k.a. Hada Bin Farakkan a.k.a Fred Jones - Fred, as he likes to be called, joined the Guantanamo family shortly after attempting to blow himself up in downtown Fallujah. Fred is a British native, however the British claim that he never lived there under any of his names. Fred enjoys listening to his iPod and makes a mean bowl of chili. Won't you take Fred home today?

For more information on the "Adopt an Inmate" program, please contact Dan Rather c/o The White House "Clean up Our Messes" Department.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

BabyOwls Exclusive: George Clooney Stripped of Academy Award

During a press conference earlier today, Academy Board of Governors member Ed Begley, Jr. announced that George Clooney would be stripped of his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as "Bob Barnes" in last year's controversial movie "Syriana."

The announcement came as a direct result of Clooney's shocking confession on the Maury Povich show that the majority of the acting for his character "Bob the Assassin" was actually done by Survivor winner turned scofflaw, Richard Hatch.

During the popular morning talk show, Clooney told Povich about the first time he realized he bore a striking resemblance to the Survivor champ, "Steve (Director Stephen Gaghan) and I decided that for the part of Bob I would gain a little weight and let my beard grow. I woke up one morning and Richard Hatch's face was staring back at me in the mirror. All I could think was, 'Oh, Crap.'"

Clooney continued to explain to Maury how he "hatched" the idea to use Hatch, "I had been working a lot that year and I figured why kill myself if I don't have to? Rich was only too willing to have his fingernails yanked out for a few bucks and I got that vacation I so desperately needed."

Povich questioned the former E.R. star as to whether he was ever worried about getting caught, "Well," Clooney responded, "I was a little concerned when Rich started walking around the set naked. But then I remembered, they think he's me and no one would dare say anything to me, I'm George Clooney."

Povich continued to press the point by asking if Clooney was ever concerned that people would notice that the new George Clooney wasn't as good of an actor, "No, I didn't really worry about that. The best kept secret in Hollywood is that acting is actually easy. Any dumbass can do it."

Clooney said that he decided to come forward with the story when Hatch called him up and revealed his plans to use his time in prison to write a tell all autobiography entitled, "The Real Richard Hatch, The Man Behind the Shlong." Hatch told Clooney that he was going to detail his life from Survivor to the present. Some chapters that Hatch has already outlined include:

- I'm Gay, but am I Happy
- Tuesdays with Rudy
- The Snake Eats the Rat and the Cheese Stands Alone in the Nude
- How the Perv Got His Wilderness Camp
- The Day I Tallywhacked Sue off a Log and Into Stardom
- I Can Get More Dudes When People Think I'm George Clooney
- Why I'm Looking Forward to Prison

During a White House press conference, President Bush commented on the startling revelation, "Does this mean we can all get together now and vote George Clooney out of the country?"

When asked what his plans are, Clooney said that he was currently starring in Brokeback Mountain II. When that wraps, Clooney said he plans to immediately start work on a made for TV movie about the life of Richard Hatch. Clooney says that despite the striking resemblance between Hatch and himself, he will only be directing the movie. The part of Hatch is slated to be played by Jaleel White of Steve Urkel fame.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

John Kerry Champions Premature Withdrawal

The GOP soundly defeated two Democratic motions in the senate today which called for a withdrawal of United States troops from Iraq.

An extremely annoyed Vice President Cheney harshly criticized the democratic position in a CNN interview when he said, "Absolutely the worst possible thing we could do at this point would be to validate and encourage the terrorists by doing exactly what they want us to do, which is to leave. Good night, why don't we just paint our nails and put on dresses while we're at it?"

The first motion, introduced by Former Presidential Candidate John Kerry, D-MA., called for the US to start pulling troops out of Iraq by year's end with a complete withdrawal by July 2007. Kerry had a difficult time pleading his case as he was heckled by Republicans. Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-TN and fellow Tennessean Lamar Alexander continually interrupted Kerry by coughing the word "Sissy." The ensuing laughter led the motion's cosponsor ,Russ Feingold, D-WI to stand up and scream, "Come on, you guys are so immature." The motion was defeated 86-13.

When asked his opinion of the Kerry and Feingold withdrawal plan , President Bush told reporters, "John Kerry is so damn dumb his wife had 'I'm with stupid' permanently tatooed on her forehead. I think the people of Massachusetts must have caught a case of the stupids when they elected Senators. From now on, Kerry and Kennedy will be known as Beavis and Butthead. And Russ Feingold can blow it out his big bazoo."

A second measure introduced minutes after the first called for the beginning of a phased withdrawal from Iraq with no set deadline. The heckling continued as Senator Frist coughed the word "Crap" until the measure was defeated 60-39. Voting fell almost strictly along party lines with Senator Lincoln Chafee R-RI being the only Republican to vote for the withdrawal resolution.

When asked outside of the Senate why he voted with the Democrats, Chafee told reporters, "I voted for the resolution? Dang nabbit, I got confused and voted for the wrong thing again. I gotta lay off the scotch on voting days." Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters he was going to "bitch slap" Chafee the next time he saw him.

With everyone's eyes on November elections, there has been fierce partisan debate in the Senate over a withdrawal from Iraq. Senator John McCain R-AZ said on the Senate Floor, "Withdrawal and fail, or commit and succeed. A premature withdrawal would be disastrous, just ask John Kerry's wife."

Pleading the other side of the case Senator Edward Kennedy D-MA (aka Butthead) said, "It's wrong to affirm that 'stay the course' is a strategy for success, but then again, I'm a freaking nancy."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Livin in a van down by the river!

Before he was a senator, Ted Kennedy earned his booze money through motivational speaking. Enjoy this classic.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

It's the Old Heave Ho for Dan and his Ratherisms.

Former anchorman Dan Rather packed up his office and left CBS today, effectively ending his 44 year career. Rather assumed the CBS anchor desk in 1981 following the retirement of broadcasting icon, Walter Cronkite.

Rather resigned the anchordesk last March following speculation that he fabricated evidence for a story on President George W. Bush's military record. He was supposed to produce segments for sixty minutes, but saw only half the airtime of other correspondents.

In an interview in October, Rather had this to say, "They don't give me much to do around here anymore, so most days I just kind of putz around the office. Usually in the mornings I work a Sudoku and then I eat my tuna sandwich. In the afternoons, I alternate between sexually harassing my secretary and prank calling Star Jones."

After announcing his exit from CBS at a morning press conference, Rather related how he was rebuffed when he offered to cover Hurricane Katrina "I walked into Sean (McManus)'s office and told him I was ready to go. I told him I wanted to go live that night with no tie and an open collar and the hurricane winds whipping through my hair. I told him that I would tie myself to a tree again like in the sixties. Sean considered sending me, but in the end decided that I should go play in traffic. It was then that I sensed that my time at the network was ending."

In a telephone interview, CBS News and Sports President Sean McManus commented on Rather's exit by saying, "We put him in a tiny office with no windows and told him to go putz around. We figured he would quit eventually."

Rather was well known for coloring his reports with Ratherisms or cornball one liners designed to make everyone groan and change the channel. Below are some of his most famous Ratherisms:

"This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."--Election Night 1996 (Real Ratherism)

"Tonight's State of the Union address reminded me that I need to go purchase some more Blue Star Ointment." --Clinton's 1995 State of Union Address

"They may have turned this up, whether you had the Paula Jones case or not. But again maybe not, but again that's like if a frog had side pockets he'd probably wear a handgun."--Dan Rather on The Late Show with David Letterman, February 5, 1998. (Real Ratherism)

"Linda Tripp is so sexy that I'm going to coat her in chocolate and marshmallow and say I want S'more." --Commenting on Linda Tripp's 1999 plastic surgery

"There is something about election night that makes me want to sit back and relax with a smooth Colt 45." --Election Night, 1976.

It don't mean a thing if they don't get those swings." --Election Night, 2004 (Real Ratherism)

"Things are pretty nutty here in Kabul. There are bullets whizzing past my head, but I'm safe because my collar is open and I'm high as a kite." Reporting from Afghanistan, 2001

"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, damn right they're better than your's." After having one too many Rob Roys at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

Veteran Anchorman Tom Brokaw wished Rather well in the media by saying, "Thank Heavens he's retiring. I can't stand looking at him."

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A Namibian Delivery for Britney's Newest Bundle?

Namibian Deputy Environment and Tourism Minister Leonard Jooste released a statement yesterday saying that he had been contacted by persons representing jiggly popstar and expectant mother Britney Spears concerning the possibility of Spears giving birth to her second child in Namibia.

Jooste later told reporters that there was a "definite possibility" that this would happen. Jooste said that the Namibian government would be more than happy to issue the necessary visas to Spears, but may have to decline admission to the country to Britney's husband, ManSlut Kevin Federline. Jooste explained, "We don't let just anyone into Namibia, we have our standards ya know."

Namibia would certainly afford Britney the privacy she so desperately craves. She came under fire recently for being photographed driving with her newborn son in her lap. Britany defended herself by saying, ""I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive, We're country." Britney says that at two months old, Sean Preston was a natural driver, very country.

Britney has also had to vehemently deny reports that her marriage to ManSlut Kevin Federline is on the rocks and that she makes him sleep in the basement. Spears told Matt Lauer on "Dateline" that her marriage to Federline is "awesome" and he only goes down to the basement to smoke his dope and look at internet porn.

Later on in the show ManSlut Federline told Lauer, "I don't what everyone is picking on me for. I married a teen queen and now I got Wynona in a bleach blond wig."

It seems that Federline is making an honest effort to make a living above and beyond his floundering rap career. Blue Marlin Clothing line has signed Federline to hawk there new line of vintage style clothing to be sold at Macy's. A representative of Blue Marlin Clothing had this to say, "We really want to market this clothing line to the white trash market. Our message is you can be stylish and unwashed at the same time. Look at ManSlut Kevin Federline."

When asked if he will resume his rap career, Federline had this to say, "Uh, sure." When asked if he would like to accompany Britney to Namibia for the birth of their second child, he replied, "Heck yeah, I love Vegas!"

This will be the second child for Britney and Federline. Federline has two children, Kori and Kaleb from his previous marriage and Lord only knows how many others.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Scandal Now being Called "Shadesgate"

President Bush personally apologized yesterday to a reporter for a joke that he made referencing the reporter's sunglasses. During a Rose Garden press conference, President Bush asked L.A. Times reporter Peter Wallsten if he was going to ask his questions with his "shades on." The President then quipped that for the viewers there was no sun.

It was later revealed to the President that Wallsten suffers from a form of macular degeneration and must wear the sunglasses to protect his eyes from glare.

Upon learning this, the President called Wallsten on his cellular phone to apologize. The President told Wallsten that he "needles" the White House Press corp out of affection. Wallsten reassured the President that there was no need for apology and that he should feel free to "needle away."

The President responded by saying, "Well then shadesboy, the next time you ask me a question about Karl Rove, I'm going to take a needle and jam it right into your spine." Wallsten reported that the before ending the conversation, the President laughed maniacally and said, "Hey Pete, how many fingers am I holding up?"

The President is known for his jocularity with the White House Press Corp. Below are some "funnies" that the President made today at the expense of senior reporter Helen Thomas:

-If your hair is so processed that even Miss Clairol says, "Give it a rest"- you might be Helen Thomas.
-If your head is so empty, that when you pick your nose you have to watch out for the vacuum - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If your mouth is so big that John Walsh goes in there looking for missing kids - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If you are so fat that your mouth and your ass are in different zip codes - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If you keep showing up at White House Press Conferences, even though you haven't been called on in three years - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If people frequently mistake you for some helium sucking birthday boy - you might be Helen Thomas.

The President encouraged others to chime in with their "You Might be Helen Thomas" jokes, but time ran out. Helen Thomas told fellow reporters that she is still waiting for her apology from the President.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bill Clinton Uses Mouth to Make Cash in 2006

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's financial disclosure documents, which were released earlier today, revealed that her husband, former President and sexaholic Bill Clinton had made over 7.5 million dollars for various speaking engagements during 2006.

Clinton was paid a reported $675,00 for addressing a two day seminar given by motivational guru, Tony Robbins. In an interview given last year, Clinton said he did the engagement as a personal favor to Tony Robbins, "The money is nice, but working with Tony is hardly like working. His large teeth are so damn motivating."

Clinton was also paid $800,000 by Gold Star International for a four day South American speaking tour. In a man on the street interview, construction worker Tony Perrelli responded to Clinton's heavy speaking fee, "What the heck is he talking about for 800 grand? Unless of course he has his own slideshow from the whitehouse. I might pay to see that."

Clinton's spokesman Jay Carson assured the public that Clinton's paid speaking engagements took a back seat to his various philanthropic activities, "Between the foundation and work on Katrina and the tsunami, paid speeches are actually a very small part of his schedule, of course he also has to have time to commit lots of adultery."

The report disclosed that the former President had made a significant amount of money from other endeavors which included:
- Official Spokesman for Girls Gone Wild - Uncensored
- Undisclosed sums of blackmail and extortion
- Selling the rights to his quotables "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." and "I did have sexual relations with that woman, and it was wrong." to Motorola to be used as ringtones.
- Cover Model for Sluts of the Whitehouse 2007 calendar. Look for him in an Uncle Sam hat and not much else as Mr. July.

Senator Hillary Clinton said in an interview late this morning that she was happy for Bill and his success and she looks forward to inheriting the money when he dies under suspicious circumstances.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Corn on the Cob on the menu at Camp David Council

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and other top advisors kicked off a two day war council today at Camp David to discuss, among other things, the future of American involvement in the war in Iraq and the responsibilities of Iraq's neighbors in the Middle East.

This council comes as Republicans try to gain momentum for the war in Iraq in the face of continued Democratic criticism. Senate Democratic leader and major bag of wind Harry Reid said in yet another long speech in Washington that Americans "deserve a plan from the president, one that provides our troops with an exit strategy from this seemingly intractable conflict and I am going to keep talking until they get it. And if they don't get it, I'll talk more and I'll use more big words like intractable. Then, I'll talk more. Damnit,I like pickles!"

A poll released today showed that less than one third of all Americans approve of the President's handling of the war. This is a record low approval rating for the President. A related poll showed that 80% of Americans approve of pickles with a startling 68% preferring the kosher gherkin variety. A final poll showed that less than 3% of Americans know who Harry Reid is and can identify him in a photograph.

Speaking from a press conference at Camp David this afternoon, the President had this to say, "I keep reminding the American people that the stakes are worth it, it is worth it to help Iraq succeed. It is worth it to have a democracy in the Middle East. Just today a brand new Duncan Donuts opened up in Baghdad. I don't care how much that major bag of wind Harry Reid talks, pretty soon their will be pickles in Baghdad. That's what I call prevailing"

When reporters asked President Bush what his feeling were concerning slain Al-quaeda leader Abu Mossad al-Zarqawi's replacement, President Bush replied, "I haven't met the guy yet, but I'm sure he sucks. We'll be planting a big red, white and blue foot in his ass."

When reporters questioned Bush as to why Vice President Cheney was so grumpy the President laughed and replied, "Oh don't mind him. He's just p.o.'d because his wife accidentally washed his white shirts in the same load as a pair of her red underpants."

Vice President Cheney denied the allegations saying, "That's not true. I'm just really, really bored. All of this talk about pickles has put me in the mood for a Harvey Wallbanger."

When asked what was on the schedule for the council for the rest of day, the President replied, "We are going to eat corn on the cob and then we are going to do some swimming."

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Craft Projects

Al-Qaida terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed this morning in a targeted attack on his safehouse just north of Baghdad. Al-Zarqawi, who was second only to Osama Bin Laden as the world's most wanted terrorist, caused the deaths of countless innocents through bombings and beheadings.

Photos of al-Zarqawi's bloodied dead face have been widely circulated and downloaded all over the internet, which have led many to ask the question, "What should I do with my photo of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi?" The photo to the right shows an American soldier who chose to place his photo in a large frame. While one can't go wrong with classic frames, in case you are looking for something a little more creative I have provided a few simple craft projects. You'll need an inkjet printer and some simple supplies which can be purchased at any craft store.

*Cute Cocktail Coasters - Print out six small photos of al-Zarqawi and carefully trim the background away from his bloodied head. Using modge podge craft glue, apply one photo each to the bottom of six glass discs. Seal with extra modge podge - do not put into the dishwasher. Great for use when drinking your post hangover Bloody Mary.

*Embroidered throw pillows - Use cross stitch software to make a grid of the photo. Print it out on iron on paper and apply to off white fabric. Embroider al-Zarqawi's face using embroidery floss and don't be afraid to use vivid colors. When finished, sew to sofa coordinating fabric with wrong sides facing - leaving a side open for stuffing. Turn inside out and insert pillow form, close opening. Throw pillow on couch and sit your fanny right on top!

*Statement tees - Statement tees are all the rage now and these won't be any different. Print al-Zarqawi's face onto iron on paper and iron on to your favorite tee. (Irons are for adults only kids!) Use iron on letters to add a cool statement below photo such as:
- Fallujah - Wish You Were Here!
- I'm with stupid
- I was blown to bits and all I got was this stupid t-shirt
- If the safe house is rockin, don't come a knockin

These are just a few ideas I came up with. First lady Laura Bush is getting in on al-Zarqawi craft fever. In an interview this morning, Mrs. Bush told Katie Couric that she had already made the President a baseball cap which bore al-Zarqawi's post-mortem picture with the words,"Take that Bee-yatch!" She said she is currently crocheting the President some al-Zarqawi golf club cosies.

Happy Crafting!

In memoriam Abu Musab al-Zarqawi - Burn in Hell you Bloody Bastard.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ted Kennedy joins the Village People

The senate is debating passing a constitutional amendment which will ban gay marriage in all fifty states. The bill is strongly supported by the president and conservative republicans who oppose giving individual states the right to redefine the family.

The white house issued the following statement to the press, "The administration believes that the future of marriage in America should be decided through the democratic constitutional amendment process, rather than by the court orders of a few. After all, the bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

The future of the bill looks bleak with democrats and moderate Republicans opposing the ridiculous measure. Never the less, Senator Ted Kennedy (D. Mass) feels the need to take a strong stance to assure that the amendment will not pass. In a statement issued to the press this morning, Kennedy has announced that he will wear leather pants to the senate floor every day until the bill is struck down.

Kennedy said this to reporters at this morning's press conference, "The Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution. I feel I need to put a human face on this for my colleagues across the aisle, that is why I will wear leather pants to work from here on out." When asked by reporters if this meant that Kennedy was in fact homosexual, he replied, "Hell no, but I do enjoy listening to Elton John from time to time."

Kennedy's fellow Senators had mixed reactions when a leather clad Kennedy reported to the senate floor at 11a.m. this morning. Barbara Boxer (D. Ca) said, "I think he looks completely foxy." After saying this, she put two fingers in her mouth and let out a loud whistle.

Norm Coleman (R. MN) said, "I can only think of one way to describe it. From the back he looked like two black hefty bags that had been stuffed to capacity with human brains."

After seeing Senator Kennedy walk by, Senator Orrin Hatch (R. UT) had this to say, "MY EYES! MY EYES! Someone give me something to poke out my eyes!"

At the close of business, Senator Kennedy reported that the leather pants were uncomfortably hot, "I don't know how the gays walk around in these things. This is just one more way that gays face and overcome adversity every day."

Editors Note: I am in favor of legalized gay marriage. Check out Ted Kennedy's man breast.