During a press conference earlier today, Academy Board of Governors member Ed Begley, Jr. announced that George Clooney would be stripped of his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as "Bob Barnes" in last year's controversial movie "Syriana."
The announcement came as a direct result of Clooney's shocking confession on the Maury Povich show that the majority of the acting for his character "Bob the Assassin" was actually done by Survivor winner turned scofflaw, Richard Hatch.
During the popular morning talk show, Clooney told Povich about the first time he realized he bore a striking resemblance to the Survivor champ, "Steve (Director Stephen Gaghan) and I decided that for the part of Bob I would gain a little weight and let my beard grow. I woke up one morning and Richard Hatch's face was staring back at me in the mirror. All I could think was, 'Oh, Crap.'"
Clooney continued to explain to Maury how he "hatched" the idea to use Hatch, "I had been working a lot that year and I figured why kill myself if I don't have to? Rich was only too willing to have his fingernails yanked out for a few bucks and I got that vacation I so desperately needed."
Povich questioned the former E.R. star as to whether he was ever worried about getting caught, "Well," Clooney responded, "I was a little concerned when Rich started walking around the set naked. But then I remembered, they think he's me and no one would dare say anything to me, I'm George Clooney."
Povich continued to press the point by asking if Clooney was ever concerned that people would notice that the new George Clooney wasn't as good of an actor, "No, I didn't really worry about that. The best kept secret in Hollywood is that acting is actually easy. Any dumbass can do it."
Clooney said that he decided to come forward with the story when Hatch called him up and revealed his plans to use his time in prison to write a tell all autobiography entitled, "The Real Richard Hatch, The Man Behind the Shlong." Hatch told Clooney that he was going to detail his life from Survivor to the present. Some chapters that Hatch has already outlined include:
- I'm Gay, but am I Happy
- Tuesdays with Rudy
- The Snake Eats the Rat and the Cheese Stands Alone in the Nude
- How the Perv Got His Wilderness Camp
- The Day I Tallywhacked Sue off a Log and Into Stardom
- I Can Get More Dudes When People Think I'm George Clooney
- Why I'm Looking Forward to Prison
During a White House press conference, President Bush commented on the startling revelation, "Does this mean we can all get together now and vote George Clooney out of the country?"
When asked what his plans are, Clooney said that he was currently starring in Brokeback Mountain II. When that wraps, Clooney said he plans to immediately start work on a made for TV movie about the life of Richard Hatch. Clooney says that despite the striking resemblance between Hatch and himself, he will only be directing the movie. The part of Hatch is slated to be played by Jaleel White of Steve Urkel fame.