Monday, August 28, 2006
District Attorney Mary Lacy released this statement to the press after her court appearance this morning, "DNA testing conducted over the weekend has proven that John Mark Karr was not present at the 1996 crime scene. Therefore, we have no other choice but to conclude that John Mark Karr is a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic."
Public Defender Seth Temin expressed his outrage over Karr's arrest. "We're deeply distressed by the fact that they took this man and dragged him here from Bangkok, Thailand when it is obvious that my client is a couple of jokers shy of a full deck."
The Karr family was overjoyed after the dismissal of the charges was announced. The family has maintained that John was celebrating the holidays with them at the time of the alleged crime. Family spokesman Gary Harris told reporters this morning, "We were confident that the DNA wouldn't match. John was no where near the crime scene. The problem with John is that his elevator stops a couple of floors shy of the penthouse."
President George Bush was asked his opinion on the case at a Rose Garden press conference this afternoon, "Well, this is obviously a disappointing turn of events. However, it is clear to me that John Mark Karr is a couple of donuts shy of a dozen."
Harvard Criminal Psychology Professor Doctor Heinrich Hunderstein explained Karr's possible motivations in a 60 minutes interview with Ed Bradley, "You see Ed, there are several important psychosocial factors that may be contributing to Karr's behavior. Upon careful study, I have concluded that John Mark Karr's engine is firing a couple of cylinders shy of the full six. Other factors may include that he is a couple of cars shy of the full choo choo or that he is nutty as a fruitcake. We also have reason to believe that he is fruity as a nutcake."
John Mark Karr expressed his apologies to reporters after his court appearance, "I am deeply sorry for any trouble that I have caused with my confessions. However, you may be surprised to learn that my name is actually Jon Bon Jovi."
Karr will be returned to California to face kiddie porn charges where hopefully he will receive just a few years shy of a life sentence.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
The wife and I were very excited to try out Mubai's latest upcoming hotspot, "Hitler's Cross." A friend told me that the restaurant has a wonderful family atmosphere, so we elected to skip the sitter and bring our kids, Oojam 8 and Poonam 6, along for a night of family fuhrer fun.
I was concerned before we arrived at the restaurant that the Hitler motif would be overwhelming and too serious for my young children. However, my fears were quickly dispelled when I arrived and surveyed the setting. Authentic WWII and holocaust memorabilia set against a gay back drop of nazi red, black and white effortlessly transported us back to the forties and gave the whole place a fun historical feel. A real train car with dining inside and swastika garlands strung about the establishment added an air of whimsy.
Dining is typical family fair with a few cutting edge surprises thrown onto the menu for the food gourmet. The restaurant manager was nice enough to provide us with a sampler of several appetizers on their "Pu Pu to Jews Platter." The kids immediately commandeered the Nazi Nachos while my wife and I feasted on Therenstadt Tandoori Chicken Kabobs. The chicken was tender and the Tandoori sauce had just the right amount of kick.
For my main course, I took our waiters' recommendation and ordered the SS Sirloin Tips with sauteed mushrooms. As an aside note, our waiter kept us in stitches all night by answering all of our questions with a lively "Yavol!" The waiter was right on with his recommendation. The steak was marinated to perfection in a surprising combination of saffron and worsteshire sauce. The meat was cooked to a perfect medium rare.
My wife elected to try the Roast Turkey and Mashed Potatoes with the Goebels Giblet Gravy. She complained that the turkey was slightly over done, but said that the gravy was velvety smooth and delicious. When her potatoes were gone, she sopped up the rest of the gravy with crusty slices of the Friedrich Flick French bread.
As for kids, they couldn't get enough of the Himmler hotdogs and french fries from the "Young Gestapo" menu. I snuck a french fry off of my protesting son's plate and found them to be seasoned perfectly.
With all of that food, we saved a little room for desert. The kids devoured a delicious looking Adolph Eichman Ice cream sundae. My wife and I couldn't resist sampling the world famous Der Furher Flan. It was scrumcious, but so rich that one is more than enough for two people.
Overall, Hitler's Cross was a wonderful family evening. The mood of the restaurant is relaxed and authentic. I now understand why the restaurant has been nicknamed "Hitler with a Heart."
Editor's Note: This post is dedicated to the reader who sent me the following e-mail:
"I just wanted to let you know that I find your blog completely despicable. If you find the Holocaust so amusing, maybe you should go out and gas yourself."
Once again, this restaurant is real. I am making fun to show the absurdity of the whole idea of what people are able to find palatable these days.
A link to the article:
Monday, August 21, 2006
Despite numerous loud protests from Jewish groups, Punit Shablok, the restaurants' owner, insists that he is not promoting the leader of the WWII genocide by putting his likeness all over his restaurant. Shablok told reporters, "We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different. We serve India's best Caesar salad just like Hitler was a genocidal maniac."
The restaurant manager, Fatima Kabani, told reporters, "This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal. And nothing says, sit back, relax and enjoy your three bean salad on a whole wheat wrap more than the a big picture of the fuhrer."
Kabani was all too willing to share some of the eatery's more exciting menu choices with the press. A typical meal at 'Hitler's Cross' would look something like this:
Zesty Nazi Nachos with Spicy Jack cheese
Curried Tuna Salad served on Treblinka Toast Points or
Mengele Mozzarella Manicotti
Buchenwald "Blooming Onion" or
Hitler's Cross Famous Der Fuhrer Flan
And of course, don't forget to choose a crusty chardonnay from Schindler's wine list.
While giving reporters a tour of the establishment, Kabani showed an area of the restaurant where patrons could dine in a real train car for that authentic holocaust experience. When a reporter pointed out to Kabani that the restaurant didn't exactly serve up concentration camp fair, she responded, "Well, our goal was to use Hitler as a theme without bringing everybody down. I think we've achieved our goal."
Hitler's Cross is just the first in what is soon to be a chain of genocidal maniac themed restaurants. Other locations include: Stalin's Sandwiches and more, Mussolini's Tasty Bites, and Idi Amin's Ice Cream and Confectionery.
Hitler's Cross is open from 12PM to 1AM seven days a week. For your dining pleasure the restaurant features seating in smoking, nonsmoking and Judenrein.
Editor's Note: I am making fun, but sadly this is a real restaurant that has opened in India. The ultimate sign that the scourge of political correctness has spread worldwide is that a place like this is permitted to open and that people actually patronize it. Six million Jews murdered and someone thinks its hip to put the guys face on their restaurant. Moshiach NOW!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
President Bush mounted a chopper today during a tour of a motorcycle factory in York, PA. Bush was visiting Pennsylvania to lend his support to GOP Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann.
Swann, who is expected to upset incumbent Democratic Gov. Ed Rendell, is best known for his time playing for the Dallas Cowboys and for letting out a loud "Aaaahhh" after gulping down a twelve ounce Sprite on commercials in the seventies.
The President insisted that he was "just looking" at the Harley and had no intention of buying. He also said that the blue sunglasses he was sporting made him look like a rockstar. Bush told reporters, "I look just like Bono in these things, except I'm not a big mouthed commie bastard."
The President's photo on the Harley has inspired bloggers everywhere to engage in the Japanese tradition of Karaoke. So, if Bush on a Harley makes you gotta sing, don't hold back on my account:
Click here for Bush Karaoke Mania!
If you really want to know
What I want in a guy...
Well, I'm lookin' for a dream on a mean machine
With hell in his eyes.
I want a devil in skin tight leather,
And he's gonna be wild as the wind.
And one fine night, I'll be holdin' on tight...
To a coooool rider, a coooool rider.
If he's cool enough,
He can burn me through and through.
If it takes forever,
Then I'll wait forever.
No ordinary boy,
No ordinary boy is gonna do.
I want a rider that's cool.
That's the way it's gonna be,
And that's the way that I feel.
I want a whole lot more than the boy next door,
I want hell on wheels.
Just give me a fine motorcycle,
With a man growin' out of the seat.
And move aside, cause I'm gonna ride...
I don't want no ordinary guys,
Comin' on strong to me.
They don't know what I'm lookin' for,
They don't know what I need.
They're gonna know when he gets here,
Cause the crowd will be shakin'.
I'll do anything to let him know,
That I'm his, his for the takin'.
I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
I need a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
S.R. Sidarth , a staffer of Allen's democratic opponent Jim Webb, was taping the Old Dominion Senator at a speech Friday night. Allen pointed Sidarth out to the audience and said, "Let's give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia" Sidarth, though of Indian descent, is a native of Fairfax, Virginia.
Allen claims that he made up the word "Macaca" as an offhand reference to Sidarth's nickname "Mohawk." Unbeknownst to Allen, Macaca is the name of a genus of Monkey which includes the famous Macaque.
Sonjay Puri, a businessman and director IPAC, said that the group will be working with Allen, "We're sure that George Allen did not mean to refer to Sidarth as a genus of monkey. Sidarth is just very sensitive due to his coincidental macaque like appearance."
An apologetic Allen expressed to reporters how he had been eager to meet with the Indian group, "When IPAC phoned me, I jumped at the chance to meet with them. I've always wanted to know what that dot is for. I drove right on down to their offices for a sit down. You know they sit at desks just like the rest of us. I was worried that I would have to take off my shoes and sit on some sort of flying carpet. Sometimes my feet smell when its hot out."
Reporters later found out that their had been some initial disagreement over the meeting place. Senator Allen told the press that the IPAC directors wanted to meet at a popular Indian restaurant for lunch, "Just the smell of that stuff makes me nauseous. When they asked me to go to the restaurant, I told them no thanks, I ate a big bowl of puke for breakfast."
When asked later if he found the meeting to be productive, Allen answered, "I don't know. They wouldn't give me a dot if that's what you're asking. They did make me promise not to call them macacas anymore."
When it comes to nonsense word gaffes, Allen is in good company. Over the years, many politicians have made up silly words only to find out later that they had committed some major foreign language faux pas.
-President Gerald Ford jokingly referred to the Prime Minister of Italy as a "Dipsey Do Do." He later was informed that "Dipsey Do Do" is Italian for "Excuse me, you have just dropped sour cream and onion down your bra."
- President Bill Clinton once said "Thanks Shnukums" to a Swedish Airline Flight Attendant who brought him a Whiskey Sour. Clinton looked on in surprise as the flight attendant took off running down the aisle. He would later find out that "Shnukums" is Swedish for, "Would you like to look at my shingles?"
-A gracious President Carter greeted the Japanese Prime Minister upon his arrival at the White House. The President rehearsed saying in Japanese, "I hope you have a comfortable stay in the Lincoln Bedroom." However, he bungled the dialect and shocked the Prime Minister and his wife by saying, "Toilet paper is forbidden in the Lincoln bedroom."
- On a diplomatic mission to English speaking New Zealand, Ted Kennedy had been directed to say to the President of New Zealand, "We look forward to forming new mutually beneficial trade agreements with New Zealand." However, due to the consumption of one too many little bottles of airlines booze, Kennedy slurred his words slightly, accidentally saying, "Where the hell do you keep the women around here?"
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Gibson, who earlier this month spewed antisemitic remarks during a DWI arrest, was spotted cruising around town with several off color bumper stickers affixed to the back of his jaguar.
A photo which appeared this morning in the L.A. Times showed Gibson's car sporting the following slogans:
"My child is an honor student at Holocaust Deniers Elementary School."
"Honk if you think the Jews Suck!"
"Your honor student killed my lord."
"Go that extra mile for Sieg Hile!"
"Hitler is my co-pilot."
"1942, the good ole days."
"I don't brake for kikes on bikes."
"Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa."
"I'm not an antisemite, but I'm willing to learn."
"Hit a hook nose, ten points."
When asked to explain the bumper stickers, Gibson told reporters, "If you can read them, then you are following too close and you're probably some sort of filthy Jew."
Go back to Thunderdome.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Legions, of young girls across the world were left shell shocked by the news that their teen heartthrob would rather be dating some guy named Steve.
In a White House Press conference, President Bush expressed his surprise over Bass's announcement, "I'm am just shocked. I haven't been this shocked since Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet."
In other news, grass is green. The sky is blue and Sam Donaldson wears a touppee.
Following antisemitic remarks he made during a drunken DWI tirade, actor Mel Gibson has been quick to extend an olive branch to the Jewish community. In a magnanimous gesture, Gibson offered to meet with Jewish community leaders to discuss ways that he could bridge the newly made gap with the Jews.
Rabbis and community leaders alike have been quick to accept Gibson's offer. Rabbi Shlomo Goldsmith of Temple Israel of Los Angeles told reporters, "I'd love to meet with Gibson. I have already penciled him into Tuesday's schedule. The schedule now reads: 9 A.M. Bar Mitzvah Lessons, 11 A.M. Bury Larry Fine, 1 P.M. Lunch with bigot.
Rabbi Harold Finkel of Congregation Oratid of Greater Washington told the press, "I'm really looking forward to meeting with Gibson. I mean, he's a pig and all, but those Lethal Weapon movies rocked."
Anti Defamation League President and Self Loathing Jew Abe Foxman told the Washington Post, "I wish people would just give Mel a break. What did he say that was really so bad? Not only did I invite Mel out to dinner, I invited him over to my house to go swimming afterwards. We might even go clubbing"
Finally, Rabbi Morris Haskel of Temple Bagels and Lox of Albuquerque New Mexico said, "So what if he said we start all of the wars. We do start all of the wars. We also control the media, the banks and the congress. I told Mel Gibson to go jump in a (expletive deleted) lake."