Tuesday, July 25, 2006

BabyOwls Hiatus

I'm afraid that I am going to have to go on hiatus for about a week as my nest is playing host to an unwelcome guest that goes by the name of mononucleosis.

Darn you mononucleosis!

To read more:

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

Blogger acting disagreeable today. I will attempt to update, but no promises. Enjoy this video in the meantime.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Presidential Potty Mouth

A microphone that was mistakenly left on at a G8 summit luncheon this morning picked up a revealing exchange between President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

While chomping on a buttered slice of toast, President Bush let Blair know in no uncertain terms his feelings on the conflict by saying, "See, the irony is what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh*t."

In a press conference later, an unapologetic Bush addressed reporters. "I don't give a flying (expletive) what you heard. Like none of you freakin pansies have ever said sh*t before. Speaking of pansies, did you see Tony Blair's pink tie?"

Blair told reporters that at first he didn't even notice the Presidential gaff. "I was so grossed out by him talking with his mouth full that I was trying to come up with an excuse to go sit somewhere else. Afterwards, when I realized what he said, you could have knocked me over with a feather. You see, sh*t is just not a word that we British use. I prefer the term rubbish."

This event is far from the first time that sneaky microphones have caught politicians and celebrities unawares. Below are just a few of the more memorable miked moments.

Clinton: And One, Two, Three Cha Cha Cha...and Dip!
Jackson: Gimme back my wallet.

Bush: ....and then the priest said, "Hey, that's not the salami!"
Clinton: I just killed the man next to me.

Oprah: Don't worry Tom. After the show, I'm going to take you to a nice place where you can rest.
Tom: My spaghetti is talking to me.

Stewart: Get one speck of yolk in my egg whites perky girl and I will have you killed in your sleep.

O.K. I should stop. I know, it's not that funny. Well, maybe just one more...

Big Bird: Hey, you're kind of cute. How about after the show you come on over to my nest and I'll show you my Snuffleupagus.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Mr. T has Gone Blingless

Mr T announced Thursday at the Television Critics Association summer meeting that after witnessing the destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina, he could no longer bear to wear his signature gold chains.

Mr. T, whose real name is Lawrence Tero, told reporters, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate. It was like The Lord himself came to me and said, 'T., how the hell can you wear all of that gold jewelry when all of those poor mothers can't even buy a hotdog?' I was surprised. That wasn't how I expected The Lord to talk."

Mr. T was heavily critical of the host of celebrities who flocked to Katrina following the disaster, "I saw some, I call it `sorry celebrities.' They'll go down there and hook up with the people to take a photo-op. I look at Sean Penn and all I can think is he's a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Responding to Mr. T's indictment, Penn told reporters, "He's right, I'm a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Mr. T's announcement sent shockwaves through both the entertainment and political world.
Celebrity activist Brad Pitt wasted no time in issuing a statement concerning Mr. T's actions, "Angelina (Pitt's girlfriend Angelina Jolie for those of you who have been living in Siberia or suffering from a brain injury) and I were extremely inspired by Mr. T's removal of his jewelry. Therefore, we have decided to have another baby and sell the first pictures of that baby to the highest bidder. All proceeds will go towards the buying of new jewelry for Mr. T."

President Bush choked back tears at a morning press conference held from the site of the G8 summit in the former Soviet Union, "I think this is a sad day for all Americans. I only hope that one day we can all live in a world where Mr. T can wear his jewelry again. I know all Americans join me in saying that this is the legacy we want to leave our children."

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was also on hand for the press conference, added his sentiments. "George, you typical, self centered, stinkin American scumbag, we Russians still watch A-team every Friday night at 8 p.m. What do you filthy American scumbags know about A-team?"

President Bush grinned at the Russian President and responded, "Oh Vladimir, Shut the %@*! up."

At a later press conference, when reporters questioned Mr. T as to why he waited almost a full year after Hurricane Katrina to make his announcement, he responded, "I don't know, but it has nothing to do with my new talk show, I pity the fool, debuting at 8 p.m. on TV land."

When asked about his opinion on the current crisis in the Middle East, T. responded with his typical Clubber Langesque flourish, "I pity the fools that f--- with Israel. Cough up Gilad and the rest you crazy terrorist bastards and end the conflict."

Go A-Team!

Editor's Note: I do not endorse nor do I approve of the use of the work bling.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Grandma Out and Kinky In

Independent gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn filed suit today against Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams over his ruling that her nickname Grandma would not be allowed on the November ballot.

Williams ruled earlier in the week that Grandma is not a nickname, but a slogan. After the hearing, Williams explained his ruling to reporters, "Obviously she is using the name Grandma as a slogan. It's the same thing as if she wanted to call herself Carole"Wheat Thins" Keeton Strayhorn. It's just not appropriate, and now, if you'll excuse me, I'm jonesing for a Wheat Thin."

Strayhorn, who is running as an independent candidate on the big hair and frivolous law suits platform, was outraged by the ruling, "There are some things that are just worth standing up for in court. One of them is every American Citizen's right to be called Grandma on a ballot. Other rights covered by the constitution include the right to let it all hang out at the beach and the right to smoke while sitting on whatever toilet I happen to be on at the time."

Strayhorn's attorney, Roy Minton, said that the idea of Grandma being just a slogan is ridiculous. "Grandma isn't a slogan, it's a nickname. The woman's been called Grandma since she was fourteen years old. Williams is a lunatic. Look how he keeps rambling on and on about Wheat Thins."

In a seeming contradiction, Secretary of State Roger Williams allowed Strayhorn's competitor Kinky Friedman to be listed on the ballot as Richard "Kinky" Friedman. By way of explanation, Williams said, "There is nothing wrong with Kinky on the ballot. I for one appreciate some Kinky in the voting booth on election day."

Friedman and Strayhorn are trying to defeat incumbant Governor Rick Perry. When asked how he felt about the upcoming election, he told reporters, "I'm running against Kinky and Grandma. I'm so worried I'm not even going to start packing up all my crap in the governor's mansion. Now if I was running against a kinky grandma, that might be a different story. Someone get me Phyllis Diller on the phone immediately and pass me that box of Wheat Thins. Great Taste, Big Crunch!"

Strayhorn first gained notoriety when she filed suit against the state of Tennessee because she stepped in gum on a public sidewalk during a vacation to see the Grand Ole Opry. The lawsuit, which was settled out of court for two free Grand Ole Opry tickets, sited Strayhorn's extreme emotional pain and suffering. At the time Strayhorn was quoted as saying, "It was so damn gross I had to go home and change my slingbacks. I thought I was going to barf. I filed suit so that no American should have to suffer like I did. This is why our founding fathers created the American Judicial system"

Editor's Note: I have no affiliation with Wheat Thins. No one is my family has any affiliation with Wheat Thins. At least seven years have passed since I have eaten Wheat Thins; however, I have partaken of a Kosher brand cleverly named Thin Wheat. Please do not contact me directly concerning Wheat Thins.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Chiefmommy Returns From Vacation

Sorry for the complete lack of updates. I have been cooling my heals down in the Old Dominion for the last ten days. Updates will resume tomorrow.