Thursday, June 22, 2006

John Kerry Champions Premature Withdrawal

The GOP soundly defeated two Democratic motions in the senate today which called for a withdrawal of United States troops from Iraq.

An extremely annoyed Vice President Cheney harshly criticized the democratic position in a CNN interview when he said, "Absolutely the worst possible thing we could do at this point would be to validate and encourage the terrorists by doing exactly what they want us to do, which is to leave. Good night, why don't we just paint our nails and put on dresses while we're at it?"

The first motion, introduced by Former Presidential Candidate John Kerry, D-MA., called for the US to start pulling troops out of Iraq by year's end with a complete withdrawal by July 2007. Kerry had a difficult time pleading his case as he was heckled by Republicans. Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-TN and fellow Tennessean Lamar Alexander continually interrupted Kerry by coughing the word "Sissy." The ensuing laughter led the motion's cosponsor ,Russ Feingold, D-WI to stand up and scream, "Come on, you guys are so immature." The motion was defeated 86-13.

When asked his opinion of the Kerry and Feingold withdrawal plan , President Bush told reporters, "John Kerry is so damn dumb his wife had 'I'm with stupid' permanently tatooed on her forehead. I think the people of Massachusetts must have caught a case of the stupids when they elected Senators. From now on, Kerry and Kennedy will be known as Beavis and Butthead. And Russ Feingold can blow it out his big bazoo."

A second measure introduced minutes after the first called for the beginning of a phased withdrawal from Iraq with no set deadline. The heckling continued as Senator Frist coughed the word "Crap" until the measure was defeated 60-39. Voting fell almost strictly along party lines with Senator Lincoln Chafee R-RI being the only Republican to vote for the withdrawal resolution.

When asked outside of the Senate why he voted with the Democrats, Chafee told reporters, "I voted for the resolution? Dang nabbit, I got confused and voted for the wrong thing again. I gotta lay off the scotch on voting days." Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters he was going to "bitch slap" Chafee the next time he saw him.

With everyone's eyes on November elections, there has been fierce partisan debate in the Senate over a withdrawal from Iraq. Senator John McCain R-AZ said on the Senate Floor, "Withdrawal and fail, or commit and succeed. A premature withdrawal would be disastrous, just ask John Kerry's wife."

Pleading the other side of the case Senator Edward Kennedy D-MA (aka Butthead) said, "It's wrong to affirm that 'stay the course' is a strategy for success, but then again, I'm a freaking nancy."

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