Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Namibian Cesarean

Reports have confirmed that Angelina Jolie delivered a healthy 7lb baby girl by cesarean section at the Cottage Medi-Clinic located in Namibia. Doctor's present at the birth said that the birth went "flawlessly".

Jolie's American Doctor, Dr. Jason Rothbart had this comment for reporters following the birth, "Everything came off without a hitch. Angelina's makeup and hair looked fabulous throughout the entire procedure."

Female staff members were less taken with American heartthrob Brad Pitt. One medical assistant, speaking under condition of anonymity had this to say, "We all thought he would be hot, but up close he's just ugly and a little effeminate."

Pitt and Jolie raised eyebrows with their choice to deliver their daughter in Namibia. Head of Obstetrics at Mt Sinai hospital, Dr. Pierre Upyur Kooch (P.U. Kooch M.D.) commented, "I don't see what everyone is so upset about. Namibia is a great place to deliver a child if you can get past the dysentery and tribal warfare. Oh, and the flies are a little off putting."

True to celebrity form, Jolie and Pitt decided to name their child something stupid - Shiloh Nouvel. Brad Pitt told reporters, "Yeah, its always been a dream of mine to have a child and name it after Neil Diamond's imaginary friend." (obscure song reference)

During a White House press conference, reporters asked President Bush if he had any well wishes for the couple and he had this to say, "The next person who uses the term Brangelina in the White House is going to get a bullet between the eyes."

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Jihad Shmeehad

In a joint press conference held with British Prime Minister Tony Blair on Thursday, President Bush expressed regret over the use of provocative language in reference to the war on Terror. He specifically mentioned regretting using the terms "Bring it On" and "Wanted Dead or Alive" when referring to Osama Bin Laden.

When asked by reporters if there were any other phrases that he would refrain from using in reference to terrorists, the president provided this list :

- Gonna open up a big can of Texas Whoop Ass on those boys
- Neener Neener Neener
- Osama Bin Butthead
- Jihad Shmeehad

- Abu Musab Zarqawi is gonna be the guest of honor at my Fourth of July BBQ - if you get my drift.
- Nuke-ya-ler

President Bush also agreed to stop using the following terms when speaking about the Muslim religion:
- Jesus rocks and Allah rots
- Crapola

President Bush closed the press conference by apologizing to anyone in the world whom he offended with the use of the above terms and said,"I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner. However, I reserve the right to refer to Tony Blair as a pansy whenever he's not around."

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Superaremos algún día

In an attempt to save a California Community garden from development, sixties icon and current washed up has been, Joan Baez perched herself atop of a spruce tree and spewed political rhetoric.

Before beginning her shrill vocal stylings,Baez had this to say to reporters, "It's an extraordinary community of people and creativity in this industrial part of the city and it literally gives life every way,(Actual Quote!)" While the reporters stood around looking at each other and wondering what the heck she was talking about, she added, "I wonder what to do if I have to pee while I'm up in the tree."

Baez sang several songs including a Spanish version of the classic, "We shall overcome." Due to the height of the tree and the moderate westerly winds no one could hear a damn thing, which was very unfortunate for the nine people who showed up to hear her sing. Jim Festerman, a local golf course attendant, fondly remembers Baez's penchence for activism in the sixties, "I'm not even sure why I'm here, but if Baez is up in that spruce you know it's important."

During a white house press conference, President George Bush had this to say when asked for comment on the issue, "Joan Baez is up in a tree, no one told me Joan Baez was up in a tree. Put the war in Iraq on ice for a while Condi, we have more important issues to deal with."

Saving the garden from demolition will cost an estimated 16 million dollars. Concerning the cost Splash star Darryl Hannah had this to say to the L.A. times , " We've come up with $6 million, which is unbelievable. If everyone in the city just gave one dollar, this place could be saved."
(This is an actual quote. She really said that. Oh vomit.)

Local police reported that the only disturbance occurred when a couple of local huntsman mistook Baez for a large opossum and attempted to shoot her down. Sergeant Larry Helms commented, " Well, she does have a very opossum like hair do." No injuries were reported.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Zacharias Who?

In a surprise move, Osama Bin Laden released a tape yesterday which not only alluded to his whereabouts, but vindicated supposed 9/11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui .

Concerning his location, Bin Laden said, "I know you guys are all looking really hard for me. Keep looking for me in those caves in Afghanistan. You're really warm. Don't waste your time looking around in Butte Montana, I'm definitely nowhere near Butte Montana."

Speaking about convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui, Bin Laden had this to say, "Frankly, I don't know who the heck this guy is. Have you seen his picture? I don't even think he's a Muslim."

In light of this startling evidence, Zacharias Moussaoui has been forced to finally admit that he had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks on NYC or the Pentagon. "O.K., so maybe I didn't have anything to do with 9/11., but I did shoot JFK."

Frustrated prosecutors had this to say, "We just wish that this moron would stop confessing to things. First it was 9/11, last night he claimed to be the unabomber and this morning he is swearing his name is Timothy McVey. We're not sure what to do with this guy."

In an unprecedented move, Judge Harry F. Kirby has decided to leave Moussaoui's fate up to the American public. Judge Kirby said to the Associated Press this morning, "We are asking the public to tune into American Idol tonight. If that sexpot Katherine McPhee wins, we'll deport Moussaoui, and if the creepy white haired guy wins we'll shoot him.

Tune into to American Idol tonight 8/7 est.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

ChiefMommy has gone to the Blogs!

Well, everyone else has one. Why not me? Buckle in and get ready for more witty political commentary than you can shake a stick at. I'll be back as soon as I develop an opinion on something important.