Wednesday, June 28, 2006

BabyOwls Scoop: Short List Swapped from Walters Desk!

There was a noticeably empty chair at the table this morning on the set of the ABC girlie gabfest "The View!"

Star Jones Reynolds, who shocked the world yesterday with her announcement that she wouldn't be returning for another season of patronizing the American people, was apparently told that her stint on the view would end immediately instead of in July.

View creator Barbara Walters said to the viewing audience, "It is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. Therefore, regrettably, I told Star to pack up her crap and not let the door hit her in the fanny on the way out."

Walters told reporters that they informed Reynolds months ago that her contract would not be renewed. Walters explained to reporters that Reynolds had lost favor in the eyes of the viewers, "Our focus group results came back that people were just very uncomfortable looking at someone whose gigantic head was so disproportionate to the rest her body. One viewer told us, 'Good Gracious, can't you use special TV effect to make her head look smaller? She's freaking me out.'"

Walters did confess that the viewers of The View were also uncomfortable with her appearance. "Many of our viewers have also commented that they can't stand to look at me because my lips don't move when I talk, but I created the show so they can all take a long walk off of a short pier."

Reynolds seat is still warm and already the show biz world is all abuzz with talk of who her replacement will be. Well once again, BabyOwls has delivered an exclusive! Here is the short list which I stole of off Barbara Walters desk using a clever ruse of being there to deliver Chinese food. When she reached for the egg rolls, I grabbed the list!

Marcia Clark - Former OJ Simpson Prosecuter, Marcia Clark is the obvious choice to fill Reynolds chair. She is a lawyer like Reynolds, so she can assume Reynolds' job of explaining complex legal issues to the American people in painfully patronizing terms. Walters noted on the list that for Clark to be hired, she would have to sign an agreement to fully disclose the details of her juicy affair with fellow prosecutor Christopher Darden and to never again get a perm.

Farrah Fawcett - The former Charlie's Angel star might just provide the eye candy needed to bring in the thus far elusive male viewer. Walters noted that stipulations for Fawcett's hiring would include that she wouldn't be allowed to talk on air except for the phrases, "Yes," "No," "HaHaHa," and "You are so right Barbara." She would have to wear her hair in giant wings and she would have to lay off the smack.

Rupaul- A surefire way to get any remaining drag queens that are not already watching the show. This could also make the show look very hip as hiring Rupaul would send a message of gay acceptance. When questioned by gay publication, "The Advocate" as to why "The View!" didn't have a gay presence, Walters replied, "Isn't Joy Behar gay?" Walters noted that if Rupaul was selected, he/she would have to agree never to snap his/her fingers in a "z formation" as this is insanely annoying.

Rosie O'Donnell-comedian and Former talk show host Rose O'Donnell has already been named as moderator taking up Meredith Viera's vacant chair. Many pointed to a recent feud between O'Donnell and Reynolds as the reason for Reynolds departure from the show. Both parties denied this, but this is today's entry in Rosie's famous blog: jones go now/bw says she poopoo/i cool/i sit in chair/ jones had gastric bybass/bush bad

You heard it here first folks. BabyOwls - tell your friends.


bitingblondewit said...

Funny! But what about Ann Coulter? She's the perfect belnd of Farrah, Rupaul and Marcia. And maybe, just maybe, if she had a regular gig, she'd stop writing those awful books.

Sara's Varolo Village said...

Ann Coulter! Why didn't I think of that? She would bring in the militant conservative replublican viewer "The View!" so desperately lacked. Of course they would lost the 9/11 widow audience.

Ron Bramlett said...

I'd watch if there was someone hot on the show, like Sally Field or someone..

Mo and The Purries said...

RuPaul would be HOT
She'd be great with Ro & Joy, and she'd kick that Hasslecrack to the curb!