Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Fox Releases Censored Portions of Clinton Interview

Fox News released previously unaired portions of the now famous heated exchange between Chris Wallace and Former President Bill Clinton that took place on Sunday.

Clinton quickly became enraged when Wallace questioned him concerning the failure of his administration to eliminate terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Clinton accused Wallace of wearing a "little smirk" and thinking he was "very clever." In response, Wallace shook his head and giggled like a little girl.

Following the show, Clinton told reporters that he regretted losing his temper with Wallace, "I regret the ugly turn the interview took, but he was just sitting there with that little smirk. He thinks he's so clever with his little smirk. Mr. Clever Smirky, Clever Old Smirky, Mr. Smirky Clever Clever, Mr. Smirkly O'Clever, Clever Smirkenstein, The Clevereeno, The Cleveree Smirkster, The Smirkinator - that's who he thinks he is. Clever Smirky Bastard."

Wallace later commented on Fox News that he was somewhat baffled by Clinton's behavior, "I don't want to say he's crazy, but I have two words for the former President 'Psy-cho.'"

Fox News released transcripts today which included the questions that were deleted for brevity.

Wallace: Mr. Clinton, what is your position on Paris Hilton?
Clinton: I have taken many positions on Paris Hilton in the past year.

Wallace: Have you seen any good movies lately?
Clinton: I thoroughly enjoyed Jackass: Number Two and of course, Girls Gone Wild - Underage and Loving It.

Wallace: Your hair seems unusually fluffy today Mr. President. What's your secret?
Clinton: Hot Rollers and AquaNet

Wallace: What's your take on the whole situation down there at "The View."
Clinton: I feel bad for Star Jones being out of work. She's way hotter than Rosie O'Donnell. Tell you what. Star, if you're watching this interview, come on down to my office and lets see if we can find a position that works for you.

Wallace: Who was the most exciting visitor you ever had in the Oval Office.
Clinton: Surprisingly enough, your wife.

Wallace: Do you feel Pluto should still be a planet?
Clinton: Well, its certainly more impressive than your Uranus?

Wallace: You want to take this outside you old windbag?
Clinton: Not before I have a chance to talk about Bill Clinton's Global Initiative.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Rosh Hoshanah, Rosh Hoshanah, Kup Kup Kup Fun Yar

A Good and Healthy New Year to All! May you be inscribed and sealed in the book of life.

Now all together:
(To the tune of the chorus of My Darling Clementine)

Dip the Apple in the Honey
Make a Bracha Loud and Clear
L'shana Tova U'Mesuka
Have a Happy Sweet New Year

Or for you Yiddish Buffs:
Tunk di epl in di Honik
Mach a Bracha Haich un Clar
L'shana Tova U'mesuka
Hob a Freilich un Zisse Yar

Teach this song to your kinderlach and encourage them to sing it until you want to dive head first into your YunTif Tzimmes.

Sara (Off to Dive into the Tzimmes with a Fork)

Monday, September 18, 2006

Aiken Returns With Swooneriffic Stylings

American Idol Second Season Runner Up Clay Aiken has finally returned with his long awaited sophomore album. With Claymates already lining up at Sam Goody's around the country, this album promises to top the billboard chart.

Aiken explained to reporters that the album, entitled "A Thousand Different Ways" has been a labor of love, "The album has taken two years because I wanted to make sure I gave my loyal fans exactly what they want - me singing covers of ballads from the eighties."

The album features Aiken singing covers of ten of everyone's favorite ballads including the Bryan Adams smash hit, "Everything I do, I do it for you" and "Broken Wings," sung by some other guy.

Aiken also croons the Motley Crue hit, "Without You." Aiken told reporters about some of his reservations about using the song, "It's takes a real man to sing Motley Crue. I really had to bring my studliness up to par. It wasn't that hard."

When asked about the meaning behind the title "A Thousand Different Ways," Aiken replied, "I was going to name the album Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, but that was taken." Sources tell us other possible names for the album which were scrapped were, "Clay Aiken Sings Songs to Heave By" and "Clays Aiken Gives you Yet Another Reason to Drive Your Car into a Ravine."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Whitney to Bobby - I Will Not Always Love You.

Whitney Houston's publicist Nancy Seltzer announced today that after 13 years of marriage, the mentally unstable popstar has filed for legal separation from her husband, nitwit extraordinaire - Bobby Brown.

The announcement has sent shockwaves throughout the nation. Celebrities and fans alike have expressed their dismay over the breakup. Longtime Houston supporter Oprah Winfrey expressed her feelings to reporters earlier today, "I just can't believe it. If one were to peel away all of the cocaine and spousal abuse, the two of them had something special that only comes along once in a lifetime."

President Bush relayed his sympathies during a White House press conference today, "Family is the rock that is the foundation of this great nation of ours.Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been shining examples of good old American family values- with the notable exceptions of the cocaine and spousal abuse."

Longtime Whitney Houston fan and nail technician, Tracey Lipton told a reporter at the mall today that she has been devastated by the news, "Just last night I was singing 'Saving all my Love for You' in the shower and today this happens. Strange coincidence, don't ya think."

Tracy's friend Carmella Cash held back tears as she said, "First Jessica and Nick and now this. If Whitney and Bobby can split up, who's next? Britney and Kevin? I don't think I can take much more of this."

To console my readers, more BabyOwls Karaoke. If this Bobby Brown classic doesn't get your toes tapping, check your pulse! See below for the words - like you really need them!

It's love it's love love get busy
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Now now why don't they just let me live
Oh oh oh i don't need permission Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative
They say I'm crazy I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother trying hard to make it right
Not long ago before I won this fight sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)
It's my prerogative It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin' I'm doin' for you ah
Don't get me wrong I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down I see nothin wrong with
Spreading myself around sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (i don't need)
Make my own decisions (my own decisions)
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative-2x)
I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doing it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me Why can't I live my life (live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (oooh) yo
Tell it, kick it like this I can do what I wanna do
Me and you Together, together, together...
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (everybody's talking)
Why don't they just let me live (why) (Why don't they just let me live)
I don't need permission (i don't need permission from nobody
Make my own decisions That's my prerogative

Monday, September 11, 2006

Judge Throws Book at Hilton for DUI

Court proceeding did not go in Paris Hilton's favor in an LA County courtroom this morning. The professional socialite was arrested Wednesday for alledgedly getting behind the wheel of her Mercedes coup after one too many Margaritas.

Officer Theodore James Hooker said he noticed the coup erratically changing lanes and pulled the car over. Officer Hooker expressed shock at finding the starlet behind the wheel, "I asked her to get out of the car so that I could administer the field sobriety test and give her the hubba hubba. She offered to give me a copy of her new album if I let her go. Needless to say, I hauled her into the precinct."

Elliot Mintz, Hilton's publicist, said Hilton was not intoxicated. "She just had one drink at a fashion event before getting behind the wheel of the car. Of course it might of been a two liter."

Hilton was arrainged this morning for misdemeanor DUI in front of Judge Herbert Walker of the Ninth Circuit. Walker, however was not impressed by Hilton's celebrity status. When Hilton attempted to rise and speak in her own defense, Walker banged down the gavel and said, "Shut up Slutzky."

Walker said early on that he was ready to render a verdict, "Generally the first offense for misdemeanor drunken driving earns the driver a fine of $1500 and a short suspension of license. However, I feel in Miss Hilton's case that this court must take a firm stand. Bailiff! Take this woman out and shoot her."

Hilton's attorneys expressed immediately that they will appeal the verdict on the grounds of "Judicial Abuse of Gavel and Gross Misuse of the Word Slutzky."

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing.

Number of Deaths at the Hands of Terrorists on September 11, 2002: 2,973
Number of Deaths in 2002 Due to Colorectal Cancer: 56603
Number of People Newly Diagnosed in 2002 with Colorectal Cancer: 139534

The War on Colon Cancer doesn't make the news on a daily basis. We don't wave American Flags and weep and talk about colon cancer. However, cancer is coming to us in the dead of night in our beds and picking us off one by one. Families are being torn to pieces. Children are being orphaned. Spouses are being widowed. Many of the diagnosed will die within five years. 100% of the survivors will live with constant fear of recurrence. The two main treatments for colon cancer are resection of body parts and poison.

Colon Cancer does not discriminate. Men, Women, Jews, Moslems. Hindus, Christians, Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Russians, Irish, Africans, Old and YOUNG can all fall victim. This is the global war we should all be talking about.

Be vigilant against this terrorist - talk to your doctor about colonoscopy.

Sara (Survivor of WTC attacks and Fatherless Child)

Saturday, September 09, 2006