Monday, September 11, 2006

Judge Throws Book at Hilton for DUI

Court proceeding did not go in Paris Hilton's favor in an LA County courtroom this morning. The professional socialite was arrested Wednesday for alledgedly getting behind the wheel of her Mercedes coup after one too many Margaritas.

Officer Theodore James Hooker said he noticed the coup erratically changing lanes and pulled the car over. Officer Hooker expressed shock at finding the starlet behind the wheel, "I asked her to get out of the car so that I could administer the field sobriety test and give her the hubba hubba. She offered to give me a copy of her new album if I let her go. Needless to say, I hauled her into the precinct."

Elliot Mintz, Hilton's publicist, said Hilton was not intoxicated. "She just had one drink at a fashion event before getting behind the wheel of the car. Of course it might of been a two liter."

Hilton was arrainged this morning for misdemeanor DUI in front of Judge Herbert Walker of the Ninth Circuit. Walker, however was not impressed by Hilton's celebrity status. When Hilton attempted to rise and speak in her own defense, Walker banged down the gavel and said, "Shut up Slutzky."

Walker said early on that he was ready to render a verdict, "Generally the first offense for misdemeanor drunken driving earns the driver a fine of $1500 and a short suspension of license. However, I feel in Miss Hilton's case that this court must take a firm stand. Bailiff! Take this woman out and shoot her."

Hilton's attorneys expressed immediately that they will appeal the verdict on the grounds of "Judicial Abuse of Gavel and Gross Misuse of the Word Slutzky."


mist1 said...

I hate it when people tell me, "shut up slutsky."

Yobeeone said...

Goody! Goody!!!!! I hope YouTube posts a video of the shooting!!! I'm off to make popcorn and wait!!! Ohhh the anticipation!!!!!

Anonymous said...

When will the world be done with Paris Hilton? It's time to refocus our efforts on a true entertainer, like Engelburt Humperdink or Fred Willard...just a least they have talent. Well, at least Fred Willard does!! I'd rather listen to William Shatner sing!

Sara's Varolo Village said...

Michael, I have to put my foot down this time. There will be no picking on "The Dink" in my presence. The man is a genius and I know for a fact that Yo agrees with me on this one.

I let it slide when you made fun of the Hoff and his video masterpiece...

Anonymous said...

I'll pick on the Carpenters instead...oh wait I actually like them, a lot. How about Barry Manilow, no wait, I've always liked him, too. Ok, are the Captain and Tenille fair game? Dangit, I like them too...really.
Oh nevermind. I'm sorry.

Yobeeone said...

Michael should have to do something for his nasty sin of insulting "The Dink". trapped in a phonebooth for 36 hours with Gomer Pyle! (ooo....I shiver at the thought! I'm going to have nightmares. I've got to quit scarying meself.)

Kilroy_60 said...

The most distasteful blowjob Paris ever gave...when she did the breathalizer.