Grandma Out and Kinky In

Independent gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn filed suit today against Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams over his ruling that her nickname Grandma would not be allowed on the November ballot.

Williams ruled earlier in the week that Grandma is not a nickname, but a slogan. After the hearing, Williams explained his ruling to reporters, "Obviously she is using the name Grandma as a slogan. It's the same thing as if she wanted to call herself Carole"Wheat Thins" Keeton Strayhorn. It's just not appropriate, and now, if you'll excuse me, I'm jonesing for a Wheat Thin."

Strayhorn, who is running as an independent candidate on the big hair and frivolous law suits platform, was outraged by the ruling, "There are some things that are just worth standing up for in court. One of them is every American Citizen's right to be called Grandma on a ballot. Other rights covered by the constitution include the right to let it all hang out at the beach and the right to smoke while sitting on whatever toilet I happen to be on at the time."

Strayhorn's attorney, Roy Minton, said that the idea of Grandma being just a slogan is ridiculous. "Grandma isn't a slogan, it's a nickname. The woman's been called Grandma since she was fourteen years old. Williams is a lunatic. Look how he keeps rambling on and on about Wheat Thins."

In a seeming contradiction, Secretary of State Roger Williams allowed Strayhorn's competitor Kinky Friedman to be listed on the ballot as Richard "Kinky" Friedman. By way of explanation, Williams said, "There is nothing wrong with Kinky on the ballot. I for one appreciate some Kinky in the voting booth on election day."

Friedman and Strayhorn are trying to defeat incumbant Governor Rick Perry. When asked how he felt about the upcoming election, he told reporters, "I'm running against Kinky and Grandma. I'm so worried I'm not even going to start packing up all my crap in the governor's mansion. Now if I was running against a kinky grandma, that might be a different story. Someone get me Phyllis Diller on the phone immediately and pass me that box of Wheat Thins. Great Taste, Big Crunch!"

Strayhorn first gained notoriety when she filed suit against the state of Tennessee because she stepped in gum on a public sidewalk during a vacation to see the Grand Ole Opry. The lawsuit, which was settled out of court for two free Grand Ole Opry tickets, sited Strayhorn's extreme emotional pain and suffering. At the time Strayhorn was quoted as saying, "It was so damn gross I had to go home and change my slingbacks. I thought I was going to barf. I filed suit so that no American should have to suffer like I did. This is why our founding fathers created the American Judicial system"


Editor's Note: I have no affiliation with Wheat Thins. No one is my family has any affiliation with Wheat Thins. At least seven years have passed since I have eaten Wheat Thins; however, I have partaken of a Kosher brand cleverly named Thin Wheat. Please do not contact me directly concerning Wheat Thins.