Aiken Returns With Swooneriffic Stylings

American Idol Second Season Runner Up Clay Aiken has finally returned with his long awaited sophomore album. With Claymates already lining up at Sam Goody's around the country, this album promises to top the billboard chart.

Aiken explained to reporters that the album, entitled "A Thousand Different Ways" has been a labor of love, "The album has taken two years because I wanted to make sure I gave my loyal fans exactly what they want - me singing covers of ballads from the eighties."

The album features Aiken singing covers of ten of everyone's favorite ballads including the Bryan Adams smash hit, "Everything I do, I do it for you" and "Broken Wings," sung by some other guy.

Aiken also croons the Motley Crue hit, "Without You." Aiken told reporters about some of his reservations about using the song, "It's takes a real man to sing Motley Crue. I really had to bring my studliness up to par. It wasn't that hard."

When asked about the meaning behind the title "A Thousand Different Ways," Aiken replied, "I was going to name the album Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, but that was taken." Sources tell us other possible names for the album which were scrapped were, "Clay Aiken Sings Songs to Heave By" and "Clays Aiken Gives you Yet Another Reason to Drive Your Car into a Ravine."

Whitney to Bobby - I Will Not Always Love You.

Whitney Houston's publicist Nancy Seltzer announced today that after 13 years of marriage, the mentally unstable popstar has filed for legal separation from her husband, nitwit extraordinaire - Bobby Brown.

The announcement has sent shockwaves throughout the nation. Celebrities and fans alike have expressed their dismay over the breakup. Longtime Houston supporter Oprah Winfrey expressed her feelings to reporters earlier today, "I just can't believe it. If one were to peel away all of the cocaine and spousal abuse, the two of them had something special that only comes along once in a lifetime."

President Bush relayed his sympathies during a White House press conference today, "Family is the rock that is the foundation of this great nation of ours.Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been shining examples of good old American family values- with the notable exceptions of the cocaine and spousal abuse."

Longtime Whitney Houston fan and nail technician, Tracey Lipton told a reporter at the mall today that she has been devastated by the news, "Just last night I was singing 'Saving all my Love for You' in the shower and today this happens. Strange coincidence, don't ya think."

Tracy's friend Carmella Cash held back tears as she said, "First Jessica and Nick and now this. If Whitney and Bobby can split up, who's next? Britney and Kevin? I don't think I can take much more of this."

To console my readers, more BabyOwls Karaoke. If this Bobby Brown classic doesn't get your toes tapping, check your pulse! See below for the words - like you really need them!

It's love it's love love get busy
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Now now why don't they just let me live
Oh oh oh i don't need permission Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative
They say I'm crazy I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother trying hard to make it right
Not long ago before I won this fight sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)
It's my prerogative It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin' I'm doin' for you ah
Don't get me wrong I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down I see nothin wrong with
Spreading myself around sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (i don't need)
Make my own decisions (my own decisions)
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative-2x)
I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doing it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me Why can't I live my life (live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (oooh) yo
Tell it, kick it like this I can do what I wanna do
Me and you Together, together, together...
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (everybody's talking)
Why don't they just let me live (why) (Why don't they just let me live)
I don't need permission (i don't need permission from nobody
Make my own decisions That's my prerogative
epeat

Judge Throws Book at Hilton for DUI

Court proceeding did not go in Paris Hilton's favor in an LA County courtroom this morning. The professional socialite was arrested Wednesday for alledgedly getting behind the wheel of her Mercedes coup after one too many Margaritas.

Officer Theodore James Hooker said he noticed the coup erratically changing lanes and pulled the car over. Officer Hooker expressed shock at finding the starlet behind the wheel, "I asked her to get out of the car so that I could administer the field sobriety test and give her the hubba hubba. She offered to give me a copy of her new album if I let her go. Needless to say, I hauled her into the precinct."

Elliot Mintz, Hilton's publicist, said Hilton was not intoxicated. "She just had one drink at a fashion event before getting behind the wheel of the car. Of course it might of been a two liter."

Hilton was arrainged this morning for misdemeanor DUI in front of Judge Herbert Walker of the Ninth Circuit. Walker, however was not impressed by Hilton's celebrity status. When Hilton attempted to rise and speak in her own defense, Walker banged down the gavel and said, "Shut up Slutzky."

Walker said early on that he was ready to render a verdict, "Generally the first offense for misdemeanor drunken driving earns the driver a fine of $1500 and a short suspension of license. However, I feel in Miss Hilton's case that this court must take a firm stand. Bailiff! Take this woman out and shoot her."

Hilton's attorneys expressed immediately that they will appeal the verdict on the grounds of "Judicial Abuse of Gavel and Gross Misuse of the Word Slutzky."

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing.

Number of Deaths at the Hands of Terrorists on September 11, 2002: 2,973
Number of Deaths in 2002 Due to Colorectal Cancer: 56603
Number of People Newly Diagnosed in 2002 with Colorectal Cancer: 139534

The War on Colon Cancer doesn't make the news on a daily basis. We don't wave American Flags and weep and talk about colon cancer. However, cancer is coming to us in the dead of night in our beds and picking us off one by one. Families are being torn to pieces. Children are being orphaned. Spouses are being widowed. Many of the diagnosed will die within five years. 100% of the survivors will live with constant fear of recurrence. The two main treatments for colon cancer are resection of body parts and poison.

Colon Cancer does not discriminate. Men, Women, Jews, Moslems. Hindus, Christians, Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Russians, Irish, Africans, Old and YOUNG can all fall victim. This is the global war we should all be talking about.

Be vigilant against this terrorist - talk to your doctor about colonoscopy.

Sincerely,
Sara (Survivor of WTC attacks and Fatherless Child)

New Numa - The Return of Gary Brolsma!

Yeah, Go Gary!

John Mark Karr - A Couple of Slices Shy of A Loaf

In a shocking turn of events, prosecutors in Boulder, CO have announced that John Mark Karr will not be charged with the 1996 slaying of six year old JonBenet Ramsey. The decision to release Karr was reached after it was determined that there was no DNA evidence to tie Karr to the crime, despite his repeated confessions.

District Attorney Mary Lacy released this statement to the press after her court appearance this morning, "DNA testing conducted over the weekend has proven that John Mark Karr was not present at the 1996 crime scene. Therefore, we have no other choice but to conclude that John Mark Karr is a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic."

Public Defender Seth Temin expressed his outrage over Karr's arrest. "We're deeply distressed by the fact that they took this man and dragged him here from Bangkok, Thailand when it is obvious that my client is a couple of jokers shy of a full deck."

The Karr family was overjoyed after the dismissal of the charges was announced. The family has maintained that John was celebrating the holidays with them at the time of the alleged crime. Family spokesman Gary Harris told reporters this morning, "We were confident that the DNA wouldn't match. John was no where near the crime scene. The problem with John is that his elevator stops a couple of floors shy of the penthouse."

President George Bush was asked his opinion on the case at a Rose Garden press conference this afternoon, "Well, this is obviously a disappointing turn of events. However, it is clear to me that John Mark Karr is a couple of donuts shy of a dozen."

Harvard Criminal Psychology Professor Doctor Heinrich Hunderstein explained Karr's possible motivations in a 60 minutes interview with Ed Bradley, "You see Ed, there are several important psychosocial factors that may be contributing to Karr's behavior. Upon careful study, I have concluded that John Mark Karr's engine is firing a couple of cylinders shy of the full six. Other factors may include that he is a couple of cars shy of the full choo choo or that he is nutty as a fruitcake. We also have reason to believe that he is fruity as a nutcake."

John Mark Karr expressed his apologies to reporters after his court appearance, "I am deeply sorry for any trouble that I have caused with my confessions. However, you may be surprised to learn that my name is actually Jon Bon Jovi."

Karr will be returned to California to face kiddie porn charges where hopefully he will receive just a few years shy of a life sentence.

Der Fuhrer Eatery - Part Two

Bhupendra Singh, popular restaurant critic and muffler repairman, visited Mubai's newest diner, "Hitler's Cross" last week and submitted the following review to Mubai's cutting edge newspaper, The Mubai Pilot. Below is a copy of the review printed in Thursday's sold out afternoon edition:

The wife and I were very excited to try out Mubai's latest upcoming hotspot, "Hitler's Cross." A friend told me that the restaurant has a wonderful family atmosphere, so we elected to skip the sitter and bring our kids, Oojam 8 and Poonam 6, along for a night of family fuhrer fun.

I was concerned before we arrived at the restaurant that the Hitler motif would be overwhelming and too serious for my young children. However, my fears were quickly dispelled when I arrived and surveyed the setting. Authentic WWII and holocaust memorabilia set against a gay back drop of nazi red, black and white effortlessly transported us back to the forties and gave the whole place a fun historical feel. A real train car with dining inside and swastika garlands strung about the establishment added an air of whimsy.

Dining is typical family fair with a few cutting edge surprises thrown onto the menu for the food gourmet. The restaurant manager was nice enough to provide us with a sampler of several appetizers on their "Pu Pu to Jews Platter." The kids immediately commandeered the Nazi Nachos while my wife and I feasted on Therenstadt Tandoori Chicken Kabobs. The chicken was tender and the Tandoori sauce had just the right amount of kick.

For my main course, I took our waiters' recommendation and ordered the SS Sirloin Tips with sauteed mushrooms. As an aside note, our waiter kept us in stitches all night by answering all of our questions with a lively "Yavol!" The waiter was right on with his recommendation. The steak was marinated to perfection in a surprising combination of saffron and worsteshire sauce. The meat was cooked to a perfect medium rare.

My wife elected to try the Roast Turkey and Mashed Potatoes with the Goebels Giblet Gravy. She complained that the turkey was slightly over done, but said that the gravy was velvety smooth and delicious. When her potatoes were gone, she sopped up the rest of the gravy with crusty slices of the Friedrich Flick French bread.

As for kids, they couldn't get enough of the Himmler hotdogs and french fries from the "Young Gestapo" menu. I snuck a french fry off of my protesting son's plate and found them to be seasoned perfectly.

With all of that food, we saved a little room for desert. The kids devoured a delicious looking Adolph Eichman Ice cream sundae. My wife and I couldn't resist sampling the world famous Der Furher Flan. It was scrumcious, but so rich that one is more than enough for two people.

Overall, Hitler's Cross was a wonderful family evening. The mood of the restaurant is relaxed and authentic. I now understand why the restaurant has been nicknamed "Hitler with a Heart."

Editor's Note: This post is dedicated to the reader who sent me the following e-mail:
"I just wanted to let you know that I find your blog completely despicable. If you find the Holocaust so amusing, maybe you should go out and gas yourself."

Once again, this restaurant is real. I am making fun to show the absurdity of the whole idea of what people are able to find palatable these days.
A link to the article:
http://news.aol.com/strange/story/_a/furor-over-fuhrer-themed-restaurant/n20060821084409990005?cid=936

Der Fuhrer Eatery - Hip or Horrible?

Mubai India's newest eatery has the local Jewish residents saying, "I'll Pass." The new restaurant, located in India's financial center, is named 'Hitler's Cross' and is completely decked out in Adolph Hitler memorabilia.

Despite numerous loud protests from Jewish groups, Punit Shablok, the restaurants' owner, insists that he is not promoting the leader of the WWII genocide by putting his likeness all over his restaurant. Shablok told reporters, "We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different. We serve India's best Caesar salad just like Hitler was a genocidal maniac."

The restaurant manager, Fatima Kabani, told reporters, "This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal. And nothing says, sit back, relax and enjoy your three bean salad on a whole wheat wrap more than the a big picture of the fuhrer."

Kabani was all too willing to share some of the eatery's more exciting menu choices with the press. A typical meal at 'Hitler's Cross' would look something like this:

Appetizer:
Zesty Nazi Nachos with Spicy Jack cheese

Main Course:
Curried Tuna Salad served on Treblinka Toast Points or
Mengele Mozzarella Manicotti

Side Dish:
Buchenwald "Blooming Onion" or
French Fries

Desert:
Hitler's Cross Famous Der Fuhrer Flan

And of course, don't forget to choose a crusty chardonnay from Schindler's wine list.

While giving reporters a tour of the establishment, Kabani showed an area of the restaurant where patrons could dine in a real train car for that authentic holocaust experience. When a reporter pointed out to Kabani that the restaurant didn't exactly serve up concentration camp fair, she responded, "Well, our goal was to use Hitler as a theme without bringing everybody down. I think we've achieved our goal."

Hitler's Cross is just the first in what is soon to be a chain of genocidal maniac themed restaurants. Other locations include: Stalin's Sandwiches and more, Mussolini's Tasty Bites, and Idi Amin's Ice Cream and Confectionery.

Hitler's Cross is open from 12PM to 1AM seven days a week. For your dining pleasure the restaurant features seating in smoking, nonsmoking and Judenrein.

Editor's Note: I am making fun, but sadly this is a real restaurant that has opened in India. The ultimate sign that the scourge of political correctness has spread worldwide is that a place like this is permitted to open and that people actually patronize it. Six million Jews murdered and someone thinks its hip to put the guys face on their restaurant. Moshiach NOW!

I Want a Coooool Rider....

President Bush mounted a chopper today during a tour of a motorcycle factory in York, PA. Bush was visiting Pennsylvania to lend his support to GOP Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann.

Swann, who is expected to upset incumbent Democratic Gov. Ed Rendell, is best known for his time playing for the Dallas Cowboys and for letting out a loud "Aaaahhh" after gulping down a twelve ounce Sprite on commercials in the seventies.

The President insisted that he was "just looking" at the Harley and had no intention of buying. He also said that the blue sunglasses he was sporting made him look like a rockstar. Bush told reporters, "I look just like Bono in these things, except I'm not a big mouthed commie bastard."

The President's photo on the Harley has inspired bloggers everywhere to engage in the Japanese tradition of Karaoke. So, if Bush on a Harley makes you gotta sing, don't hold back on my account:

Click here for Bush Karaoke Mania!


If you really want to know
What I want in a guy...
Well, I'm lookin' for a dream on a mean machine
With hell in his eyes.
I want a devil in skin tight leather,
And he's gonna be wild as the wind.
And one fine night, I'll be holdin' on tight...

To a coooool rider, a coooool rider.
If he's cool enough,
He can burn me through and through.
Whhoa ohhhh
If it takes forever,
Then I'll wait forever.
No ordinary boy,
No ordinary boy is gonna do.
I want a rider that's cool.

That's the way it's gonna be,
And that's the way that I feel.
I want a whole lot more than the boy next door,
I want hell on wheels.
Just give me a fine motorcycle,
With a man growin' out of the seat.
And move aside, cause I'm gonna ride...

(Chorus)

I don't want no ordinary guys,
Comin' on strong to me.
They don't know what I'm lookin' for,
They don't know what I need.
They're gonna know when he gets here,
Cause the crowd will be shakin'.
I'll do anything to let him know,
That I'm his, his for the takin'.

I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
I need a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.

Allen in Deep Macaca

Senator George Allen R-VA met today with members of the US Indian Political Action Committee(IPAC) , to discuss ways for Allen to the mend fences with the Indian community following offensive remarks Allen made to a rival candidate's employee.

S.R. Sidarth , a staffer of Allen's democratic opponent Jim Webb, was taping the Old Dominion Senator at a speech Friday night. Allen pointed Sidarth out to the audience and said, "Let's give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia" Sidarth, though of Indian descent, is a native of Fairfax, Virginia.

Allen claims that he made up the word "Macaca" as an offhand reference to Sidarth's nickname "Mohawk." Unbeknownst to Allen, Macaca is the name of a genus of Monkey which includes the famous Macaque.

Sonjay Puri, a businessman and director IPAC, said that the group will be working with Allen, "We're sure that George Allen did not mean to refer to Sidarth as a genus of monkey. Sidarth is just very sensitive due to his coincidental macaque like appearance."

An apologetic Allen expressed to reporters how he had been eager to meet with the Indian group, "When IPAC phoned me, I jumped at the chance to meet with them. I've always wanted to know what that dot is for. I drove right on down to their offices for a sit down. You know they sit at desks just like the rest of us. I was worried that I would have to take off my shoes and sit on some sort of flying carpet. Sometimes my feet smell when its hot out."

Reporters later found out that their had been some initial disagreement over the meeting place. Senator Allen told the press that the IPAC directors wanted to meet at a popular Indian restaurant for lunch, "Just the smell of that stuff makes me nauseous. When they asked me to go to the restaurant, I told them no thanks, I ate a big bowl of puke for breakfast."

When asked later if he found the meeting to be productive, Allen answered, "I don't know. They wouldn't give me a dot if that's what you're asking. They did make me promise not to call them macacas anymore."

When it comes to nonsense word gaffes, Allen is in good company. Over the years, many politicians have made up silly words only to find out later that they had committed some major foreign language faux pas.

-President Gerald Ford jokingly referred to the Prime Minister of Italy as a "Dipsey Do Do." He later was informed that "Dipsey Do Do" is Italian for "Excuse me, you have just dropped sour cream and onion down your bra."

- President Bill Clinton once said "Thanks Shnukums" to a Swedish Airline Flight Attendant who brought him a Whiskey Sour. Clinton looked on in surprise as the flight attendant took off running down the aisle. He would later find out that "Shnukums" is Swedish for, "Would you like to look at my shingles?"

-A gracious President Carter greeted the Japanese Prime Minister upon his arrival at the White House. The President rehearsed saying in Japanese, "I hope you have a comfortable stay in the Lincoln Bedroom." However, he bungled the dialect and shocked the Prime Minister and his wife by saying, "Toilet paper is forbidden in the Lincoln bedroom."

- On a diplomatic mission to English speaking New Zealand, Ted Kennedy had been directed to say to the President of New Zealand, "We look forward to forming new mutually beneficial trade agreements with New Zealand." However, due to the consumption of one too many little bottles of airlines booze, Kennedy slurred his words slightly, accidentally saying, "Where the hell do you keep the women around here?"

More on Mel

A photograph taken of Mel Gibson's car on Hollywood Boulevard late yesterday has Jewish leaders questioning the sincerity of Mel Gibson's apologies.

Gibson, who earlier this month spewed antisemitic remarks during a DWI arrest, was spotted cruising around town with several off color bumper stickers affixed to the back of his jaguar.

A photo which appeared this morning in the L.A. Times showed Gibson's car sporting the following slogans:

"My child is an honor student at Holocaust Deniers Elementary School."

"Honk if you think the Jews Suck!"

"Your honor student killed my lord."

"Go that extra mile for Sieg Hile!"

"Hitler is my co-pilot."

"1942, the good ole days."

"I don't brake for kikes on bikes."

"Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa."

"I'm not an antisemite, but I'm willing to learn."

"Hit a hook nose, ten points."

When asked to explain the bumper stickers, Gibson told reporters, "If you can read them, then you are following too close and you're probably some sort of filthy Jew."

Go back to Thunderdome.

Lance Bass Gay and Roses are Red

Former Nsync member Lance Bass told reporters in a press conference last week that he is gay and he is currently dating Amazing Race winner Reichen Lemkuhl.

Legions, of young girls across the world were left shell shocked by the news that their teen heartthrob would rather be dating some guy named Steve.

In a White House Press conference, President Bush expressed his surprise over Bass's announcement, "I'm am just shocked. I haven't been this shocked since Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet."

In other news, grass is green. The sky is blue and Sam Donaldson wears a touppee.

Nation SHOCKED by Gibson tirade - sorta

Coincidence - I think not.

Following antisemitic remarks he made during a drunken DWI tirade, actor Mel Gibson has been quick to extend an olive branch to the Jewish community. In a magnanimous gesture, Gibson offered to meet with Jewish community leaders to discuss ways that he could bridge the newly made gap with the Jews.

Rabbis and community leaders alike have been quick to accept Gibson's offer. Rabbi Shlomo Goldsmith of Temple Israel of Los Angeles told reporters, "I'd love to meet with Gibson. I have already penciled him into Tuesday's schedule. The schedule now reads: 9 A.M. Bar Mitzvah Lessons, 11 A.M. Bury Larry Fine, 1 P.M. Lunch with bigot.

Rabbi Harold Finkel of Congregation Oratid of Greater Washington told the press, "I'm really looking forward to meeting with Gibson. I mean, he's a pig and all, but those Lethal Weapon movies rocked."

Anti Defamation League President and Self Loathing Jew Abe Foxman told the Washington Post, "I wish people would just give Mel a break. What did he say that was really so bad? Not only did I invite Mel out to dinner, I invited him over to my house to go swimming afterwards. We might even go clubbing"

Finally, Rabbi Morris Haskel of Temple Bagels and Lox of Albuquerque New Mexico said, "So what if he said we start all of the wars. We do start all of the wars. We also control the media, the banks and the congress. I told Mel Gibson to go jump in a (expletive deleted) lake."

Thanks Everyone!

Just wanted to give all of my internet friends an quick update. The kids are feeling much better. The doctor said that mono takes about two weeks to resolve in children and this seems to be true. They are back to their wonderful selves. I'm thinking of taking up drinking and smoking :)

BabyOwls Hiatus

I'm afraid that I am going to have to go on hiatus for about a week as my nest is playing host to an unwelcome guest that goes by the name of mononucleosis.

Darn you mononucleosis!

To read more:
http://www.webmd.com/hw/infection/hw168622.asp

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

Blogger acting disagreeable today. I will attempt to update, but no promises. Enjoy this video in the meantime.

Presidential Potty Mouth

A microphone that was mistakenly left on at a G8 summit luncheon this morning picked up a revealing exchange between President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

While chomping on a buttered slice of toast, President Bush let Blair know in no uncertain terms his feelings on the conflict by saying, "See, the irony is what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh*t."

In a press conference later, an unapologetic Bush addressed reporters. "I don't give a flying (expletive) what you heard. Like none of you freakin pansies have ever said sh*t before. Speaking of pansies, did you see Tony Blair's pink tie?"

Blair told reporters that at first he didn't even notice the Presidential gaff. "I was so grossed out by him talking with his mouth full that I was trying to come up with an excuse to go sit somewhere else. Afterwards, when I realized what he said, you could have knocked me over with a feather. You see, sh*t is just not a word that we British use. I prefer the term rubbish."

This event is far from the first time that sneaky microphones have caught politicians and celebrities unawares. Below are just a few of the more memorable miked moments.

Clinton: And One, Two, Three Cha Cha Cha...and Dip!
Jackson: Gimme back my wallet.







Bush: ....and then the priest said, "Hey, that's not the salami!"
Clinton: I just killed the man next to me.








Oprah: Don't worry Tom. After the show, I'm going to take you to a nice place where you can rest.
Tom: My spaghetti is talking to me.






Stewart: Get one speck of yolk in my egg whites perky girl and I will have you killed in your sleep.





O.K. I should stop. I know, it's not that funny. Well, maybe just one more...



Big Bird: Hey, you're kind of cute. How about after the show you come on over to my nest and I'll show you my Snuffleupagus.

Mr. T has Gone Blingless

Mr T announced Thursday at the Television Critics Association summer meeting that after witnessing the destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina, he could no longer bear to wear his signature gold chains.

Mr. T, whose real name is Lawrence Tero, told reporters, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate. It was like The Lord himself came to me and said, 'T., how the hell can you wear all of that gold jewelry when all of those poor mothers can't even buy a hotdog?' I was surprised. That wasn't how I expected The Lord to talk."

Mr. T was heavily critical of the host of celebrities who flocked to Katrina following the disaster, "I saw some, I call it `sorry celebrities.' They'll go down there and hook up with the people to take a photo-op. I look at Sean Penn and all I can think is he's a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Responding to Mr. T's indictment, Penn told reporters, "He's right, I'm a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Mr. T's announcement sent shockwaves through both the entertainment and political world.
Celebrity activist Brad Pitt wasted no time in issuing a statement concerning Mr. T's actions, "Angelina (Pitt's girlfriend Angelina Jolie for those of you who have been living in Siberia or suffering from a brain injury) and I were extremely inspired by Mr. T's removal of his jewelry. Therefore, we have decided to have another baby and sell the first pictures of that baby to the highest bidder. All proceeds will go towards the buying of new jewelry for Mr. T."

President Bush choked back tears at a morning press conference held from the site of the G8 summit in the former Soviet Union, "I think this is a sad day for all Americans. I only hope that one day we can all live in a world where Mr. T can wear his jewelry again. I know all Americans join me in saying that this is the legacy we want to leave our children."

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was also on hand for the press conference, added his sentiments. "George, you typical, self centered, stinkin American scumbag, we Russians still watch A-team every Friday night at 8 p.m. What do you filthy American scumbags know about A-team?"

President Bush grinned at the Russian President and responded, "Oh Vladimir, Shut the %@*! up."

At a later press conference, when reporters questioned Mr. T as to why he waited almost a full year after Hurricane Katrina to make his announcement, he responded, "I don't know, but it has nothing to do with my new talk show, I pity the fool, debuting at 8 p.m. on TV land."

When asked about his opinion on the current crisis in the Middle East, T. responded with his typical Clubber Langesque flourish, "I pity the fools that f--- with Israel. Cough up Gilad and the rest you crazy terrorist bastards and end the conflict."

Go A-Team!

Editor's Note: I do not endorse nor do I approve of the use of the work bling.

Grandma Out and Kinky In

Independent gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn filed suit today against Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams over his ruling that her nickname Grandma would not be allowed on the November ballot.

Williams ruled earlier in the week that Grandma is not a nickname, but a slogan. After the hearing, Williams explained his ruling to reporters, "Obviously she is using the name Grandma as a slogan. It's the same thing as if she wanted to call herself Carole"Wheat Thins" Keeton Strayhorn. It's just not appropriate, and now, if you'll excuse me, I'm jonesing for a Wheat Thin."

Strayhorn, who is running as an independent candidate on the big hair and frivolous law suits platform, was outraged by the ruling, "There are some things that are just worth standing up for in court. One of them is every American Citizen's right to be called Grandma on a ballot. Other rights covered by the constitution include the right to let it all hang out at the beach and the right to smoke while sitting on whatever toilet I happen to be on at the time."

Strayhorn's attorney, Roy Minton, said that the idea of Grandma being just a slogan is ridiculous. "Grandma isn't a slogan, it's a nickname. The woman's been called Grandma since she was fourteen years old. Williams is a lunatic. Look how he keeps rambling on and on about Wheat Thins."

In a seeming contradiction, Secretary of State Roger Williams allowed Strayhorn's competitor Kinky Friedman to be listed on the ballot as Richard "Kinky" Friedman. By way of explanation, Williams said, "There is nothing wrong with Kinky on the ballot. I for one appreciate some Kinky in the voting booth on election day."

Friedman and Strayhorn are trying to defeat incumbant Governor Rick Perry. When asked how he felt about the upcoming election, he told reporters, "I'm running against Kinky and Grandma. I'm so worried I'm not even going to start packing up all my crap in the governor's mansion. Now if I was running against a kinky grandma, that might be a different story. Someone get me Phyllis Diller on the phone immediately and pass me that box of Wheat Thins. Great Taste, Big Crunch!"

Strayhorn first gained notoriety when she filed suit against the state of Tennessee because she stepped in gum on a public sidewalk during a vacation to see the Grand Ole Opry. The lawsuit, which was settled out of court for two free Grand Ole Opry tickets, sited Strayhorn's extreme emotional pain and suffering. At the time Strayhorn was quoted as saying, "It was so damn gross I had to go home and change my slingbacks. I thought I was going to barf. I filed suit so that no American should have to suffer like I did. This is why our founding fathers created the American Judicial system"


Editor's Note: I have no affiliation with Wheat Thins. No one is my family has any affiliation with Wheat Thins. At least seven years have passed since I have eaten Wheat Thins; however, I have partaken of a Kosher brand cleverly named Thin Wheat. Please do not contact me directly concerning Wheat Thins.

Chiefmommy Returns From Vacation

Sorry for the complete lack of updates. I have been cooling my heals down in the Old Dominion for the last ten days. Updates will resume tomorrow.