BabyOwls - Go to Bed Kid!

Midnight Orange Giveaway!

2011-06-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

I would like to encourage everyone to check out a blog I just discovered called http://mommysblessings.blogspot.com/. This is a blog run by a stay at home mom of six little ones and she blogs about her life.
Frankly I wish I had discovered this blog weeks ago Why? Because she has a special section called "The Friday Fling" and each week on Friday she gives a different assignments on ways to get your house together, clean and organized. I won't provide pictures, but take it from me - I need to start this program and the sooner, the better! If she can do it with six kids, I can do it with four.

Also check out Mommy Mondays, where she shares some tips on being a Mother. Everything from crockpot recipes to different strategies to keep your sanity.

Finally, she has great giveaways that have selfishly inspired me to blog about her blog :)
She is currently giving away this precious pendant from Etsy Shop The Midnight Orange.
The Midnight Orange has many precious sculptures, but the artist specializes in jewelry for loss mothers. I have been stalking this shop for quite sometime, but have never been comfortable spending the money. Owning the pendant would mean the world to me.

For those of you who may want to enter as well, here is the link:
http://mommysblessings.blogspot.com/2011/06/midnight-orange-giveaway.html
There are several instructions, so be sure to follow them carefully.

In conclusion, a big thank you to Mrs. Cart at A Mommy's Blessing for even giving me the hope of owning such a wonderful piece and thank you to the Midnight Orange for doing such a masterful job of creating sculptures that so accurately capture the feeling of loss.

May there come a day when the Midnight Orange so longer has to sculpt loss sculptures.

GERANIMO!!!!

2006-11-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say a quick hello to all of my friends in the blogosphere and apologize for lack of updates. Life has been slightly hectic lately. Here is a brief timeline:

11/8 - Three year old yells "Geronimo", jumps off of sofa and injures his left foot.

11/9 - Refuses to walk on said foot and insist on being carried around all day.

11/10 - Force our way into pediatrician's office and see Physicians Assistant who says that she highly doubts that there is anything wrong with the foot. Gives us a prescription for xray to be used if foot gets worse and tells us to get the hell out of the office. Mommy accidentally steps on her toe.

11/12 - Brilliant parents that we are, we decide that his foot is fine and he is just afraid to walk on it. We buy an ace bandage and tell him that it has magical properties and attempt to force three year old to stand on his foot. He screams hysterically, so we give up.

11/13 - In ultimate act of schleppness, Mommy takes three year old to have an xray. The day involved me pushing three year old and my unusually large infant in a double stroller with a broken wheel, while carrying a single stroller and a car seat.

11/13 (Late at night) - Medical assistant calls to tell us that all xrays are perfectly normal. Brilliant parents nod knowingly to one another and congratulate ourselves on being right that there is nothing wrong with the foot.

11/14 - Abnormally overconfident pediatrician recommends we take three year old to an orthopedist. Mommy begrudingly makes appointment.

11/14-11/16 - Brilliant parents try to bribe three year old with Laffy Taffy to get up and walk. Three year old hobbles around weakly to obtain candy.

11/16 - More shlepping! Orthopedist says three year old has a fracture that isn't showing up on xray to due the lack of ossification in a three year old's bones. He says he is going to send brace guy in to put a brace on three year old. Brace guy comes in and says he couldn't possibly lower himself to accept our insurance. Mommy kicks brace guy in the shins. Three year old ends up with a cast.

11/16 (Late at night) - Brilliant parents sit around talking about how we knew it was a fracture all along.

11/17 - Mommy takes three year old to a lovely Brace lady who tells Mommy that no Brace person in there right mind would accept our low class, blue collar insurance. Instead of $350 brace, three year old gets a spiffy shoe to go over his cast.

11/17 (Two minutes before Shabbos) - Three year old rips heal support out of spiffy shoe. Mommy yells alot.

11/20 - Three year old returns to school wearing spiffy shoe. Mommy realizes that teacher has been mispronouncing three year old's name all year.

Mommy = exhausted.

Peace on earth - Just under the Wire

2006-11-07T19:13:00.000-08:00

Just in case you have just started your Blogrolling for the evening, today is a warm fuzzy day on the internet. Mimi has spearheaded a campaign to circulate this graphic and thoughts of peace to blogs all over the globe. I just checked in with her blog and from the looks of things, this has been a very successful effort. Congratulations on a job well done!

So, now its my turn to pontificate on peace. First a little bit of biographical information about me. I am a seeker of peace. I am an Orthodox Jew. I am an American. I am an educated woman. I have three children. I live in an urban area and I don't have a car. I have my groceries delivered and I send the kids on the bus to school. I seldom leave my house. I don't bother anyone. I like my peace and quiet. Don't I deserve a little peace and quiet?

Somewhere in the world, there is a guy sitting in his house who hates my guts. He may not know me personally, but he knows I'm out there. My very existence is an insult to him and his very way of life. I have no worth, my children are just as bad. I am an infidel. He can't rest, he can't get on with his life. As long as I exist, he can know no peace. Doesn't he deserve a little peace?

Me and this guy will never meet over a cup of joe at the local bagel place to hash out our differences. Neither one of us is interested in understanding the other. He hates me and I hate him because he hates me. What is my obligation as a seeker of peace?

He seeks peace and he can only find it by destroying me. I seek peace, but I put self preservation ahead of that. I can only find peace through the destruction of he who wishes to destroy me. World peace is impossible while both of us exist. Its either him or me.

In the middle east, two peoples lay claim to the same piece of land. Jews and Arabs die daily while seeking a little peace on what they feel is their rightful homeland. The Jews offer the Palestinians portions of the Jewish Holy land. Jews expelled Jews from their homes in the Gaza Strip to provide the Palestinians with a place to begin the formation of their own state. The Jews did this with the hope that finally they could live in peace on their land. Don't they deserve a little peace?

The Palestinians do not want to share the land. They have used the Gaza strip to smuggle in stockpiles of weapons to use on the Jews. They want the entire land of Israel as their Palestinian homeland. This is not political rhetoric, this is clearly stated in the Hamas charter. The Jews must be wiped from the land in order for the Palestinians to find any peace. Don't they deserve a little peace?

A great many Blogs have mentioned John Lennon today. John Lennon who told us to all stop what we were doing and just "Give Peace a Chance." How is this possible? He told us to just imagine. Imagine a world without the religions that give multitudes strength and direction in their lives. Imagine a world with no borders where people of widely different cultures could mingle and try to make a go of it. Imagine a world without the government who provides us with education, food stamps and law enforcement. One needs to only look at how long it takes the looting to start during a blackout to "Imagine" how this solution would work out. I may say that John Lennon was a dreamer, and unfortunately he is far from the only one.

So what's the point of my rant. Peace cannot just be obtained through imagination. Sometimes and I'm afraid most of the time peace can only be obtained through a period without peace. We cannot feel peace while our very survival is threatened by another. Being a seeker of peace does not obligate us to sit in our houses and chant while our enemies are coming to kill us. Being a seeker of peace means standing up and destroying those who can know no peace until we are destroyed.

The Jews will never be at peace in their homeland while they seek to make peace with those that want to push them into the sea.

I fear this world will never know peace until the arrival of the Jewish Messiah. The Lubavitcher Rebbe said in prophecy that the time of our Redemption has arrived. The Lubavitcher Rebbe encourages us all to hasten the arrival of the redemption by doing acts of goodness and kindness.

If all that isn't enough - Britney and Kevin are calling it quits. Time to declare Marshall law.

Thrilling Conclusion of Sadaam Hussein Trial Tonight on Lifetime

2006-11-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

This dramatization of the sentencing of Sadaam Hussein has been brought to you by BabyOwls.

Chief Judge Rizgar Amin portrayed by Ben Kingsley

Sadaam Hussein portrayed by Mel Gibson (of course)

Rocking of the White Sweat Pants - Postponed due To Laryngitis

2006-10-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

Rock veterans the Rolling Stones have been forced to postpone their second concert in three days due to the throat problems of big lipped frontman Mick Jagger. Tuesday, the Stones postponed a show at New York's famed Beacon theater and Monday, they postponed a show just hours before it was set to begin in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Stones fans had already begun to arrive at the New Jersey arena when the announcement was made that the concert would not be played that evening.

Fan disappointed reached almost frenzied levels amidst rumors that the concert would have heralded the return of Mick Jagger's famous rockin white sweat pants.

Dairy Queen Blizzard Technician and longtime Stones fan, Connie McGregor was in tears as she left the venue, "I can't believe the concert has been cancelled. I just wanted to see Mick rocking those white sweatpants one more time before I die or he dies."

Ticketmaster employee, Jedd Stevens was forced to close his ticket window to ward off the thousands of fans demanding refunds, "People are just really ticked off that Mick didn't show up to rock the white sweatpants. It isn't ticketmaster's fault that the white sweat pants aren't here."

CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer was on the scene covering the concert and had this comment to make, "Fan consensus is that the show should have gone on due to the fact that Jagger's singing is secondary to his legendary rocking of the white sweat pants. On a personal level, it's enough to make a grown man cry."

A Rolling Stones spokesperson released a statement today apologizing to the fans and promising to reschedule the missed dates, "The Rolling Stones are anxious to make amends for the fans' inconvenience. Concert dates will be rescheduled for early spring when Mick will be rocking both the white sweat pants and the spandex purple v-neck."

In the meantime: Ladies (and Gents) start your engines!

Vote Barack Because I Look Like Spock!

2006-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Illinois Democratic Senator Barack Obama revealed Sunday morning that he is considering making a run for the White House in 2008. Obama told Meet the Press host Tim Russert that despite comments he made in 2004, he is now giving serious thought to a Presidential campaign.

Obama, though being deliberately vague, hinted that he would be running for the White House by using the word "run" as many times possible within a twenty second time period. Obama told Russert, "We have a long and rigorous process. Should I decide to run, if I ever did decide to run, I'll be confident that I'll be run through the paces pretty good."

Reporters asked President Bush in a White House Press Conference this afternoon how he feels about Obama succeeding him in the White House. Bush shared this chilling response, "Let's take a closer look at this so called Senator from Illinois. His first name is Barack which rhymes with Iraq. His middle name is Hussein and his last name is Obama which rhymes with Osama. Coincidence? I mean sure he's sexy, but its painfully obvious that the man is a turrarist."

When reporters asked Senator Obama if he had any thoughts on the President's comments, he had this response, "The President thinks I'm sexy?"

An anonymous source that may or may not be Senator Obama's mother revealed these slogans which have already been written for the 2008 campaign:
- Vote Obama Because I Ain't too Hard on the Eyes
- Vote Obama Because My Ideas are As Big As My Ears
- Vote Obama - No More Tax Breaks for The Man!
- Vote Obama Because You Like To Say Obama
- Vote Obama - I am Not a Turrarist!
- Obama, Obama, Llama, Llama, Duck.

Love Those Duke Boys - Except for Luke

2006-10-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I officially celebrate twenty eight years of being madly in love with Bo Duke.

Luv ya Bo! Happy Anniversary!

P.S. When searching the internet for Dukes of Hazard information, do not Google "Crazy Cooter." Trust me on this one.

Material Girl is the Latest to Jump on Fashion Bandwagon

2006-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

Entertainment Industry insiders are reporting that Madonna will be the latest celebrity to be sporting this fall's hottest fashion accessory - small African children.

Following in the footsteps of big lipped, homewrecking, trend setting actress Angelina Jolie, Madonna will tiptoe down the red carpet this season with a fabulous baby boy from Malawi to set off her collection of Vera Wang dresses.

E! Entertainment fashion maven Joan Rivers commented on the trend on her primetime E! Fashion program airing Thursday nights. Rivers told audiences that she expected most celebrities will be sporting African children by the time Oscar season arrives. Rivers said, "African children are really the hot 'must-have' this season, just like the impractical clutch bag from last year. I predict Jennifer Lopez will be the next celeb to illegally remove a child from Africa."

Rivers caught up with child wearing model Heidi Klum outside of the Helmut Lang show during fashion week.
Rivers: This African child is just fabulous. He really pulls the whole outfit together. Who are you wearing?
Klum: This is Malib from the Somalian Cutsie Tutsie collection. Isn't he fun?
Rivers: He really does add an air of whimsy to your outfit. Will you be keeping him?
Klum: Oh heavens no, he's on loan from Todd Oldham for Unicef.

However, the new trend has not come without it's fair share of outcry from human rights groups. As of press time, the Malawi government was trying to block the Material Girl's adoption on several legal precedents. Malawi Minister of Family Affairs told reporters, "We can't just have celebrities shopping for children in Malawi like they would for Coach Bags. Let them go to the Sudan for that."

Trina Marina, from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Africans, has been one of the most vocal opponents of the trend. She told BabyOwls in a phone interview, "This is outrageous. Should a human rights group really have to tell Madonna not to wear Africans as accessories? If you ask me, she's a big publicity ho-bag."

Madonna has been swift to respond to these allegations. She defended her decision to adopt the child, named David Banda, in a press conference yesterday. "I don't feel I should have to defend my decision to bring a child into my loving family. David, who we will rename Shlomo in line with our Jewish Heritage, is a full fledged member of our family in addition to being a faboo fashion accessory. No one can ever say that Madonna is a publicity ho-bag."

Reporters asked Madonna how her other children are adjusting to the new family member. A gushing Madonna replied, "Great, Lourdes is getting a little pouty because I won't let her wear Sholmo to school. But, I told her, not until she's twelve."

Reporters asked Madonna if she would be doing any fundraising for African causes. Madonna replied, "In honor of Shlomo joining our family, I will be donating 5% of the proceeds from my newest single 'Be My Jesus' directly to Sally Field."

A stunned Sally Field had this to say to reporters, "I have no idea why she's giving the money to me. Maybe she just really likes me."

The smash hit 'Be My Jesus' is the latest single from the controversial album, "Songs to Offend the Worlds' Major religions." Christian leaders have been quick to take Madonna to task for the catchy chorus of the 'Be My Jesus' tune which reads: Be My Jesus Boy if you dare/Nail me on Your Cross wearing Thong Underwear.

When asked for his comment on the Madonna song, Pope Benedict said, "Umm, I don't care."

Madonna earned harsh criticism from Jewish leaders following the release of the album's first single "Tie me Up and Call Me Esther." Despite the criticism, the song's line I cry Oy Vey when you touch that way enjoyed a short stint as a popular culture catch phrase used by such celebrities as Foxy Brown and Tony Bennett.

The next single, which is sure to set off worldwide embassy burnings, is the Muslim flavored "Ride my camel from Mecca to Medina." The song features rapper 50 cent rapping the line You wear the Hijab and I'll give the She-Job.

Other expected releases include the ballad "Skinny Dipping in your Holy Waters" and the techno beat "Hindu me All Night."

O.K. Kids, who will it be? Who will claim the "funniest blogger in the family"crown? Comment on this blog to vote for Sara. Comment here to vote for Sid. May the best Woman win.

The Great Blog Off

2006-10-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

My entry to the great blog off will be appearing later today as my children's schools are closed due to the holiday.

Wait, today isn't a holiday. WTF?

People- People Who Need People should Shut the F--- Up!

2006-10-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Streisand fans who shelled out $250 a ticket to see the Diva perform in the first tour since her farewell concert twelve years ago, were shocked to find that many of their favorite songs had been changed to accommodate Ms. Streisand's liberal political views. One fan, who became annoyed by Barbara's political ranting began to heckle her and told her to "Shut up and sing."

Displaying typical grace and class, Streisand told the fan to "Shut the F--- Up!"

Below are some of the updated lyrics that fans were treated to at last night's Madison Square Gardens concert:

Don't tell me not to shriek,
Just sit and putter,
Sadaam Hussein's Not a Fascist Dictator
He just a ball of butter.
Don't bring around a war mongering President
To rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
There were no WMDs
We've all been lied to.
Don't' bring around any common sense
To rain on my parade!

Mem'ries,
The WMDs were all a lie
George Bush has modified your memories
Of the way we were

People-Conservative Republican People
Are the blood thirstiest, warmongering people in the world.
We're children, George Bush likes to murder children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than the innocent children George Bush likes to murder while they sleep.

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Papa, Bush was the one who pulled out the UN weapons inspectors.
Papa, there was no Uranium purchased in Africa.
Papa, the people of Iraq will never elect a secular government.
Papa, George W. Bush invaded Iraq to out due his Papa.

At this point in the concert, Barbara's Papa miraculously called out from the heavens, "Barbara stop your sniveling rhetoric."
To which Barbara replied, "Shut the F--- Up!"

In a press conference the morning following the concert, President Bush was asked by reporters what he thought of Ms. Streisand's updated concert lyrics. President Bush replied, "You know what I really hate. I hate it when celebrities have farewell concerts and then turn right around and go on tour again. First it was Diana Ross, then Celina Dion and now Barbara Streisand. Seriously, once you've farewelled, its time to Shut the F--- Up!"

Reporters asked Ms. Streisand if she had any reply to the President's comments, to which she answered, "He should Shut the F--- Up!"

Streisand's husband, Actor and Aamoco stud muffin James Brolin told reporters , "I fully support my wife in her singing career and her political views and if I didn't she would just tell me to Shut the F--- Up!"

Reporters asked Ms. Streisand if she had any reply to her husband's comments, to which she answered, "He should really Shut the F--- Up!"

As of press time, calls to Ms. Streisand made by BabyOwls were not returned, but her publicist said that she has released a statement saying that I should "Shut the F--- Up!"

So, on that note, why don't we all Shut the F--- Up!

The Turrarists Got the Nuke-ya-lers!

2006-10-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

BabyOwls has obtained the official transcript of an interview between Katie Couric and President George W. Bush which is set to air tomorrow night on whatever network it is she works for now.

Katie: Mr. President, what are your thoughts on the nuclear testing which took place today in North Korea?
Bush: The world community cannot tolerate this obvious act of nuke-ya-ler agression. The United Nations must stand up to Pyongyang and North Kurr-rea and say, "We will not tolerate turrarism."
Katie: So you consider this an act of terrorism Mr. President?
Bush: Absolutely Katie, North Kurr-rea was told to halt their nuke-ya-ler program. They went right on ahead and held nuke-ya-ler trials. We have reason to believe they want to use these nuke-ya-ler capabilities for turrarist activities. This is turrarism at its most turrible.
Katie: North Korea drew world criticism several months ago when they test fired a nuclear weapon into the ocean. Do you feel more strongly opposed to this test which took place on dry land?
Bush: Not really Katie. Unauthorized nuke-ya-ler testing is unauthorized nuke-ya-ler testing whether takes place over the ocean or on turra firma. Nuke-ya-ler turrarism is unacceptable over North Kurr-rea's turritorial waters or any of North Kur-rea's turritories.
Katie: Mr. President, members of the North Korean government have defended the testing by saying that Nuclear energy would do alot to ease the North Korean Financial crisis. How else would you suggest North Korea raise desperately needed funds - tourism?
Bush: Well, obviously turism isn't the answer. You can't have turism when there's turrarism, that would be turrible. If North Korea were to cut out all nuke-ya-ler and turrarist activity, then I think turrism would be turrific.
Katie: Well, we thank you for your time Mr. President. Just to close off on a lighter note, I hear that Mrs. Bush is making some additions to the Rose Garden.
Bush: She's not really adding as much as she is refurbishing. All of the old turra cotta looked turrible, so she's having that cleaned up and she's considering adding a display of turrariums on the turrace.
Katie: Thank you Mr. President
Bush: Thank Katie and G-d Bless this Turrific Country of Ours!

2006-10-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

That's Life in the Shtetl

This just in: Chickens do not say cluck. They actually say Bee-Yaw! Bee-Yaw!

Go and google Kaporos.

2006-10-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Hebrew Crunk!

I can't decide if this is more offensive to Jews or Blacks.

On a side note, look for yours truly rocking out as the apple on the left.

Fox Releases Censored Portions of Clinton Interview

2006-09-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Fox News released previously unaired portions of the now famous heated exchange between Chris Wallace and Former President Bill Clinton that took place on Sunday.

Clinton quickly became enraged when Wallace questioned him concerning the failure of his administration to eliminate terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Clinton accused Wallace of wearing a "little smirk" and thinking he was "very clever." In response, Wallace shook his head and giggled like a little girl.

Following the show, Clinton told reporters that he regretted losing his temper with Wallace, "I regret the ugly turn the interview took, but he was just sitting there with that little smirk. He thinks he's so clever with his little smirk. Mr. Clever Smirky, Clever Old Smirky, Mr. Smirky Clever Clever, Mr. Smirkly O'Clever, Clever Smirkenstein, The Clevereeno, The Cleveree Smirkster, The Smirkinator - that's who he thinks he is. Clever Smirky Bastard."

Wallace later commented on Fox News that he was somewhat baffled by Clinton's behavior, "I don't want to say he's crazy, but I have two words for the former President 'Psy-cho.'"

Fox News released transcripts today which included the questions that were deleted for brevity.

Wallace: Mr. Clinton, what is your position on Paris Hilton?
Clinton: I have taken many positions on Paris Hilton in the past year.

Wallace: Have you seen any good movies lately?
Clinton: I thoroughly enjoyed Jackass: Number Two and of course, Girls Gone Wild - Underage and Loving It.

Wallace: Your hair seems unusually fluffy today Mr. President. What's your secret?
Clinton: Hot Rollers and AquaNet

Wallace: What's your take on the whole situation down there at "The View."
Clinton: I feel bad for Star Jones being out of work. She's way hotter than Rosie O'Donnell. Tell you what. Star, if you're watching this interview, come on down to my office and lets see if we can find a position that works for you.

Wallace: Who was the most exciting visitor you ever had in the Oval Office.
Clinton: Surprisingly enough, your wife.

Wallace: Do you feel Pluto should still be a planet?
Clinton: Well, its certainly more impressive than your Uranus?

Wallace: You want to take this outside you old windbag?
Clinton: Not before I have a chance to talk about Bill Clinton's Global Initiative.

Rosh Hoshanah, Rosh Hoshanah, Kup Kup Kup Fun Yar

2006-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

A Good and Healthy New Year to All! May you be inscribed and sealed in the book of life.

Now all together:
(To the tune of the chorus of My Darling Clementine)

Dip the Apple in the Honey
Make a Bracha Loud and Clear
L'shana Tova U'Mesuka
Have a Happy Sweet New Year

Or for you Yiddish Buffs:
Tunk di epl in di Honik
Mach a Bracha Haich un Clar
L'shana Tova U'mesuka
Hob a Freilich un Zisse Yar

Teach this song to your kinderlach and encourage them to sing it until you want to dive head first into your YunTif Tzimmes.

Sara (Off to Dive into the Tzimmes with a Fork)

Aiken Returns With Swooneriffic Stylings

2006-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

American Idol Second Season Runner Up Clay Aiken has finally returned with his long awaited sophomore album. With Claymates already lining up at Sam Goody's around the country, this album promises to top the billboard chart.

Aiken explained to reporters that the album, entitled "A Thousand Different Ways" has been a labor of love, "The album has taken two years because I wanted to make sure I gave my loyal fans exactly what they want - me singing covers of ballads from the eighties."

The album features Aiken singing covers of ten of everyone's favorite ballads including the Bryan Adams smash hit, "Everything I do, I do it for you" and "Broken Wings," sung by some other guy.

Aiken also croons the Motley Crue hit, "Without You." Aiken told reporters about some of his reservations about using the song, "It's takes a real man to sing Motley Crue. I really had to bring my studliness up to par. It wasn't that hard."

When asked about the meaning behind the title "A Thousand Different Ways," Aiken replied, "I was going to name the album Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, but that was taken." Sources tell us other possible names for the album which were scrapped were, "Clay Aiken Sings Songs to Heave By" and "Clays Aiken Gives you Yet Another Reason to Drive Your Car into a Ravine."

Whitney to Bobby - I Will Not Always Love You.

2006-09-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston's publicist Nancy Seltzer announced today that after 13 years of marriage, the mentally unstable popstar has filed for legal separation from her husband, nitwit extraordinaire - Bobby Brown.

The announcement has sent shockwaves throughout the nation. Celebrities and fans alike have expressed their dismay over the breakup. Longtime Houston supporter Oprah Winfrey expressed her feelings to reporters earlier today, "I just can't believe it. If one were to peel away all of the cocaine and spousal abuse, the two of them had something special that only comes along once in a lifetime."

President Bush relayed his sympathies during a White House press conference today, "Family is the rock that is the foundation of this great nation of ours.Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been shining examples of good old American family values- with the notable exceptions of the cocaine and spousal abuse."

Longtime Whitney Houston fan and nail technician, Tracey Lipton told a reporter at the mall today that she has been devastated by the news, "Just last night I was singing 'Saving all my Love for You' in the shower and today this happens. Strange coincidence, don't ya think."

Tracy's friend Carmella Cash held back tears as she said, "First Jessica and Nick and now this. If Whitney and Bobby can split up, who's next? Britney and Kevin? I don't think I can take much more of this."

To console my readers, more BabyOwls Karaoke. If this Bobby Brown classic doesn't get your toes tapping, check your pulse! See below for the words - like you really need them!

It's love it's love love get busy
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Now now why don't they just let me live
Oh oh oh i don't need permission Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative
They say I'm crazy I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother trying hard to make it right
Not long ago before I won this fight sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)
It's my prerogative It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin' I'm doin' for you ah
Don't get me wrong I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down I see nothin wrong with
Spreading myself around sing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (i don't need)
Make my own decisions (my own decisions)
That's my prerogative (It's my prerogative-2x)
I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doing it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me Why can't I live my life (live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (oooh) yo
Tell it, kick it like this I can do what I wanna do
Me and you Together, together, together...
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me (everybody's talking)
Why don't they just let me live (why) (Why don't they just let me live)
I don't need permission (i don't need permission from nobody
Make my own decisions That's my prerogative
epeat

Judge Throws Book at Hilton for DUI

2006-09-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

Court proceeding did not go in Paris Hilton's favor in an LA County courtroom this morning. The professional socialite was arrested Wednesday for alledgedly getting behind the wheel of her Mercedes coup after one too many Margaritas.

Officer Theodore James Hooker said he noticed the coup erratically changing lanes and pulled the car over. Officer Hooker expressed shock at finding the starlet behind the wheel, "I asked her to get out of the car so that I could administer the field sobriety test and give her the hubba hubba. She offered to give me a copy of her new album if I let her go. Needless to say, I hauled her into the precinct."

Elliot Mintz, Hilton's publicist, said Hilton was not intoxicated. "She just had one drink at a fashion event before getting behind the wheel of the car. Of course it might of been a two liter."

Hilton was arrainged this morning for misdemeanor DUI in front of Judge Herbert Walker of the Ninth Circuit. Walker, however was not impressed by Hilton's celebrity status. When Hilton attempted to rise and speak in her own defense, Walker banged down the gavel and said, "Shut up Slutzky."

Walker said early on that he was ready to render a verdict, "Generally the first offense for misdemeanor drunken driving earns the driver a fine of $1500 and a short suspension of license. However, I feel in Miss Hilton's case that this court must take a firm stand. Bailiff! Take this woman out and shoot her."

Hilton's attorneys expressed immediately that they will appeal the verdict on the grounds of "Judicial Abuse of Gavel and Gross Misuse of the Word Slutzky."

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing.

2006-09-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Number of Deaths at the Hands of Terrorists on September 11, 2002: 2,973
Number of Deaths in 2002 Due to Colorectal Cancer: 56603
Number of People Newly Diagnosed in 2002 with Colorectal Cancer: 139534

The War on Colon Cancer doesn't make the news on a daily basis. We don't wave American Flags and weep and talk about colon cancer. However, cancer is coming to us in the dead of night in our beds and picking us off one by one. Families are being torn to pieces. Children are being orphaned. Spouses are being widowed. Many of the diagnosed will die within five years. 100% of the survivors will live with constant fear of recurrence. The two main treatments for colon cancer are resection of body parts and poison.

Colon Cancer does not discriminate. Men, Women, Jews, Moslems. Hindus, Christians, Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Russians, Irish, Africans, Old and YOUNG can all fall victim. This is the global war we should all be talking about.

Be vigilant against this terrorist - talk to your doctor about colonoscopy.

Sincerely,
Sara (Survivor of WTC attacks and Fatherless Child)

2006-09-09T22:47:00.000-07:00

New Numa - The Return of Gary Brolsma!

Yeah, Go Gary!

John Mark Karr - A Couple of Slices Shy of A Loaf

2006-08-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

In a shocking turn of events, prosecutors in Boulder, CO have announced that John Mark Karr will not be charged with the 1996 slaying of six year old JonBenet Ramsey. The decision to release Karr was reached after it was determined that there was no DNA evidence to tie Karr to the crime, despite his repeated confessions.

District Attorney Mary Lacy released this statement to the press after her court appearance this morning, "DNA testing conducted over the weekend has proven that John Mark Karr was not present at the 1996 crime scene. Therefore, we have no other choice but to conclude that John Mark Karr is a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic."

Public Defender Seth Temin expressed his outrage over Karr's arrest. "We're deeply distressed by the fact that they took this man and dragged him here from Bangkok, Thailand when it is obvious that my client is a couple of jokers shy of a full deck."

The Karr family was overjoyed after the dismissal of the charges was announced. The family has maintained that John was celebrating the holidays with them at the time of the alleged crime. Family spokesman Gary Harris told reporters this morning, "We were confident that the DNA wouldn't match. John was no where near the crime scene. The problem with John is that his elevator stops a couple of floors shy of the penthouse."

President George Bush was asked his opinion on the case at a Rose Garden press conference this afternoon, "Well, this is obviously a disappointing turn of events. However, it is clear to me that John Mark Karr is a couple of donuts shy of a dozen."

Harvard Criminal Psychology Professor Doctor Heinrich Hunderstein explained Karr's possible motivations in a 60 minutes interview with Ed Bradley, "You see Ed, there are several important psychosocial factors that may be contributing to Karr's behavior. Upon careful study, I have concluded that John Mark Karr's engine is firing a couple of cylinders shy of the full six. Other factors may include that he is a couple of cars shy of the full choo choo or that he is nutty as a fruitcake. We also have reason to believe that he is fruity as a nutcake."

John Mark Karr expressed his apologies to reporters after his court appearance, "I am deeply sorry for any trouble that I have caused with my confessions. However, you may be surprised to learn that my name is actually Jon Bon Jovi."

Karr will be returned to California to face kiddie porn charges where hopefully he will receive just a few years shy of a life sentence.

Der Fuhrer Eatery - Part Two

2006-08-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

Bhupendra Singh, popular restaurant critic and muffler repairman, visited Mubai's newest diner, "Hitler's Cross" last week and submitted the following review to Mubai's cutting edge newspaper, The Mubai Pilot. Below is a copy of the review printed in Thursday's sold out afternoon edition:

The wife and I were very excited to try out Mubai's latest upcoming hotspot, "Hitler's Cross." A friend told me that the restaurant has a wonderful family atmosphere, so we elected to skip the sitter and bring our kids, Oojam 8 and Poonam 6, along for a night of family fuhrer fun.

I was concerned before we arrived at the restaurant that the Hitler motif would be overwhelming and too serious for my young children. However, my fears were quickly dispelled when I arrived and surveyed the setting. Authentic WWII and holocaust memorabilia set against a gay back drop of nazi red, black and white effortlessly transported us back to the forties and gave the whole place a fun historical feel. A real train car with dining inside and swastika garlands strung about the establishment added an air of whimsy.

Dining is typical family fair with a few cutting edge surprises thrown onto the menu for the food gourmet. The restaurant manager was nice enough to provide us with a sampler of several appetizers on their "Pu Pu to Jews Platter." The kids immediately commandeered the Nazi Nachos while my wife and I feasted on Therenstadt Tandoori Chicken Kabobs. The chicken was tender and the Tandoori sauce had just the right amount of kick.

For my main course, I took our waiters' recommendation and ordered the SS Sirloin Tips with sauteed mushrooms. As an aside note, our waiter kept us in stitches all night by answering all of our questions with a lively "Yavol!" The waiter was right on with his recommendation. The steak was marinated to perfection in a surprising combination of saffron and worsteshire sauce. The meat was cooked to a perfect medium rare.

My wife elected to try the Roast Turkey and Mashed Potatoes with the Goebels Giblet Gravy. She complained that the turkey was slightly over done, but said that the gravy was velvety smooth and delicious. When her potatoes were gone, she sopped up the rest of the gravy with crusty slices of the Friedrich Flick French bread.

As for kids, they couldn't get enough of the Himmler hotdogs and french fries from the "Young Gestapo" menu. I snuck a french fry off of my protesting son's plate and found them to be seasoned perfectly.

With all of that food, we saved a little room for desert. The kids devoured a delicious looking Adolph Eichman Ice cream sundae. My wife and I couldn't resist sampling the world famous Der Furher Flan. It was scrumcious, but so rich that one is more than enough for two people.

Overall, Hitler's Cross was a wonderful family evening. The mood of the restaurant is relaxed and authentic. I now understand why the restaurant has been nicknamed "Hitler with a Heart."

Editor's Note: This post is dedicated to the reader who sent me the following e-mail:
"I just wanted to let you know that I find your blog completely despicable. If you find the Holocaust so amusing, maybe you should go out and gas yourself."

Once again, this restaurant is real. I am making fun to show the absurdity of the whole idea of what people are able to find palatable these days.
A link to the article:
http://news.aol.com/strange/story/_a/furor-over-fuhrer-themed-restaurant/n20060821084409990005?cid=936

Der Fuhrer Eatery - Hip or Horrible?

2006-08-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Mubai India's newest eatery has the local Jewish residents saying, "I'll Pass." The new restaurant, located in India's financial center, is named 'Hitler's Cross' and is completely decked out in Adolph Hitler memorabilia.

Despite numerous loud protests from Jewish groups, Punit Shablok, the restaurants' owner, insists that he is not promoting the leader of the WWII genocide by putting his likeness all over his restaurant. Shablok told reporters, "We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different. We serve India's best Caesar salad just like Hitler was a genocidal maniac."

The restaurant manager, Fatima Kabani, told reporters, "This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal. And nothing says, sit back, relax and enjoy your three bean salad on a whole wheat wrap more than the a big picture of the fuhrer."

Kabani was all too willing to share some of the eatery's more exciting menu choices with the press. A typical meal at 'Hitler's Cross' would look something like this:

Appetizer:
Zesty Nazi Nachos with Spicy Jack cheese

Main Course:
Curried Tuna Salad served on Treblinka Toast Points or
Mengele Mozzarella Manicotti

Side Dish:
Buchenwald "Blooming Onion" or
French Fries

Desert:
Hitler's Cross Famous Der Fuhrer Flan

And of course, don't forget to choose a crusty chardonnay from Schindler's wine list.

While giving reporters a tour of the establishment, Kabani showed an area of the restaurant where patrons could dine in a real train car for that authentic holocaust experience. When a reporter pointed out to Kabani that the restaurant didn't exactly serve up concentration camp fair, she responded, "Well, our goal was to use Hitler as a theme without bringing everybody down. I think we've achieved our goal."

Hitler's Cross is just the first in what is soon to be a chain of genocidal maniac themed restaurants. Other locations include: Stalin's Sandwiches and more, Mussolini's Tasty Bites, and Idi Amin's Ice Cream and Confectionery.

Hitler's Cross is open from 12PM to 1AM seven days a week. For your dining pleasure the restaurant features seating in smoking, nonsmoking and Judenrein.

Editor's Note: I am making fun, but sadly this is a real restaurant that has opened in India. The ultimate sign that the scourge of political correctness has spread worldwide is that a place like this is permitted to open and that people actually patronize it. Six million Jews murdered and someone thinks its hip to put the guys face on their restaurant. Moshiach NOW!

I Want a Coooool Rider....

2006-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

President Bush mounted a chopper today during a tour of a motorcycle factory in York, PA. Bush was visiting Pennsylvania to lend his support to GOP Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann.

Swann, who is expected to upset incumbent Democratic Gov. Ed Rendell, is best known for his time playing for the Dallas Cowboys and for letting out a loud "Aaaahhh" after gulping down a twelve ounce Sprite on commercials in the seventies.

The President insisted that he was "just looking" at the Harley and had no intention of buying. He also said that the blue sunglasses he was sporting made him look like a rockstar. Bush told reporters, "I look just like Bono in these things, except I'm not a big mouthed commie bastard."

The President's photo on the Harley has inspired bloggers everywhere to engage in the Japanese tradition of Karaoke. So, if Bush on a Harley makes you gotta sing, don't hold back on my account:

Click here for Bush Karaoke Mania!

If you really want to know
What I want in a guy...
Well, I'm lookin' for a dream on a mean machine
With hell in his eyes.
I want a devil in skin tight leather,
And he's gonna be wild as the wind.
And one fine night, I'll be holdin' on tight...

To a coooool rider, a coooool rider.
If he's cool enough,
He can burn me through and through.
Whhoa ohhhh
If it takes forever,
Then I'll wait forever.
No ordinary boy,
No ordinary boy is gonna do.
I want a rider that's cool.

That's the way it's gonna be,
And that's the way that I feel.
I want a whole lot more than the boy next door,
I want hell on wheels.
Just give me a fine motorcycle,
With a man growin' out of the seat.
And move aside, cause I'm gonna ride...

(Chorus)

I don't want no ordinary guys,
Comin' on strong to me.
They don't know what I'm lookin' for,
They don't know what I need.
They're gonna know when he gets here,
Cause the crowd will be shakin'.
I'll do anything to let him know,
That I'm his, his for the takin'.

I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
I need a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.

Allen in Deep Macaca

2006-08-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

Senator George Allen R-VA met today with members of the US Indian Political Action Committee(IPAC) , to discuss ways for Allen to the mend fences with the Indian community following offensive remarks Allen made to a rival candidate's employee.

S.R. Sidarth , a staffer of Allen's democratic opponent Jim Webb, was taping the Old Dominion Senator at a speech Friday night. Allen pointed Sidarth out to the audience and said, "Let's give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia" Sidarth, though of Indian descent, is a native of Fairfax, Virginia.

Allen claims that he made up the word "Macaca" as an offhand reference to Sidarth's nickname "Mohawk." Unbeknownst to Allen, Macaca is the name of a genus of Monkey which includes the famous Macaque.

Sonjay Puri, a businessman and director IPAC, said that the group will be working with Allen, "We're sure that George Allen did not mean to refer to Sidarth as a genus of monkey. Sidarth is just very sensitive due to his coincidental macaque like appearance."

An apologetic Allen expressed to reporters how he had been eager to meet with the Indian group, "When IPAC phoned me, I jumped at the chance to meet with them. I've always wanted to know what that dot is for. I drove right on down to their offices for a sit down. You know they sit at desks just like the rest of us. I was worried that I would have to take off my shoes and sit on some sort of flying carpet. Sometimes my feet smell when its hot out."

Reporters later found out that their had been some initial disagreement over the meeting place. Senator Allen told the press that the IPAC directors wanted to meet at a popular Indian restaurant for lunch, "Just the smell of that stuff makes me nauseous. When they asked me to go to the restaurant, I told them no thanks, I ate a big bowl of puke for breakfast."

When asked later if he found the meeting to be productive, Allen answered, "I don't know. They wouldn't give me a dot if that's what you're asking. They did make me promise not to call them macacas anymore."

When it comes to nonsense word gaffes, Allen is in good company. Over the years, many politicians have made up silly words only to find out later that they had committed some major foreign language faux pas.

-President Gerald Ford jokingly referred to the Prime Minister of Italy as a "Dipsey Do Do." He later was informed that "Dipsey Do Do" is Italian for "Excuse me, you have just dropped sour cream and onion down your bra."

- President Bill Clinton once said "Thanks Shnukums" to a Swedish Airline Flight Attendant who brought him a Whiskey Sour. Clinton looked on in surprise as the flight attendant took off running down the aisle. He would later find out that "Shnukums" is Swedish for, "Would you like to look at my shingles?"

-A gracious President Carter greeted the Japanese Prime Minister upon his arrival at the White House. The President rehearsed saying in Japanese, "I hope you have a comfortable stay in the Lincoln Bedroom." However, he bungled the dialect and shocked the Prime Minister and his wife by saying, "Toilet paper is forbidden in the Lincoln bedroom."

- On a diplomatic mission to English speaking New Zealand, Ted Kennedy had been directed to say to the President of New Zealand, "We look forward to forming new mutually beneficial trade agreements with New Zealand." However, due to the consumption of one too many little bottles of airlines booze, Kennedy slurred his words slightly, accidentally saying, "Where the hell do you keep the women around here?"

More on Mel

2006-08-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

A photograph taken of Mel Gibson's car on Hollywood Boulevard late yesterday has Jewish leaders questioning the sincerity of Mel Gibson's apologies.

Gibson, who earlier this month spewed antisemitic remarks during a DWI arrest, was spotted cruising around town with several off color bumper stickers affixed to the back of his jaguar.

A photo which appeared this morning in the L.A. Times showed Gibson's car sporting the following slogans:

"My child is an honor student at Holocaust Deniers Elementary School."

"Honk if you think the Jews Suck!"

"Your honor student killed my lord."

"Go that extra mile for Sieg Hile!"

"Hitler is my co-pilot."

"1942, the good ole days."

"I don't brake for kikes on bikes."

"Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa."

"I'm not an antisemite, but I'm willing to learn."

"Hit a hook nose, ten points."

When asked to explain the bumper stickers, Gibson told reporters, "If you can read them, then you are following too close and you're probably some sort of filthy Jew."

Go back to Thunderdome.

Lance Bass Gay and Roses are Red

2006-08-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Former Nsync member Lance Bass told reporters in a press conference last week that he is gay and he is currently dating Amazing Race winner Reichen Lemkuhl.

Legions, of young girls across the world were left shell shocked by the news that their teen heartthrob would rather be dating some guy named Steve.

In a White House Press conference, President Bush expressed his surprise over Bass's announcement, "I'm am just shocked. I haven't been this shocked since Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet."

In other news, grass is green. The sky is blue and Sam Donaldson wears a touppee.

Nation SHOCKED by Gibson tirade - sorta

2006-08-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Coincidence - I think not.

Following antisemitic remarks he made during a drunken DWI tirade, actor Mel Gibson has been quick to extend an olive branch to the Jewish community. In a magnanimous gesture, Gibson offered to meet with Jewish community leaders to discuss ways that he could bridge the newly made gap with the Jews.

Rabbis and community leaders alike have been quick to accept Gibson's offer. Rabbi Shlomo Goldsmith of Temple Israel of Los Angeles told reporters, "I'd love to meet with Gibson. I have already penciled him into Tuesday's schedule. The schedule now reads: 9 A.M. Bar Mitzvah Lessons, 11 A.M. Bury Larry Fine, 1 P.M. Lunch with bigot.

Rabbi Harold Finkel of Congregation Oratid of Greater Washington told the press, "I'm really looking forward to meeting with Gibson. I mean, he's a pig and all, but those Lethal Weapon movies rocked."

Anti Defamation League President and Self Loathing Jew Abe Foxman told the Washington Post, "I wish people would just give Mel a break. What did he say that was really so bad? Not only did I invite Mel out to dinner, I invited him over to my house to go swimming afterwards. We might even go clubbing"

Finally, Rabbi Morris Haskel of Temple Bagels and Lox of Albuquerque New Mexico said, "So what if he said we start all of the wars. We do start all of the wars. We also control the media, the banks and the congress. I told Mel Gibson to go jump in a (expletive deleted) lake."

Thanks Everyone!

2006-08-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give all of my internet friends an quick update. The kids are feeling much better. The doctor said that mono takes about two weeks to resolve in children and this seems to be true. They are back to their wonderful selves. I'm thinking of taking up drinking and smoking :)

BabyOwls Hiatus

2006-07-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid that I am going to have to go on hiatus for about a week as my nest is playing host to an unwelcome guest that goes by the name of mononucleosis.

Darn you mononucleosis!

To read more:
http://www.webmd.com/hw/infection/hw168622.asp

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

2006-07-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

Blogger acting disagreeable today. I will attempt to update, but no promises. Enjoy this video in the meantime.

Presidential Potty Mouth

2006-07-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

A microphone that was mistakenly left on at a G8 summit luncheon this morning picked up a revealing exchange between President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

While chomping on a buttered slice of toast, President Bush let Blair know in no uncertain terms his feelings on the conflict by saying, "See, the irony is what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh*t."

In a press conference later, an unapologetic Bush addressed reporters. "I don't give a flying (expletive) what you heard. Like none of you freakin pansies have ever said sh*t before. Speaking of pansies, did you see Tony Blair's pink tie?"

Blair told reporters that at first he didn't even notice the Presidential gaff. "I was so grossed out by him talking with his mouth full that I was trying to come up with an excuse to go sit somewhere else. Afterwards, when I realized what he said, you could have knocked me over with a feather. You see, sh*t is just not a word that we British use. I prefer the term rubbish."

This event is far from the first time that sneaky microphones have caught politicians and celebrities unawares. Below are just a few of the more memorable miked moments.

Clinton: And One, Two, Three Cha Cha Cha...and Dip!
Jackson: Gimme back my wallet.

Bush: ....and then the priest said, "Hey, that's not the salami!"
Clinton: I just killed the man next to me.

Oprah: Don't worry Tom. After the show, I'm going to take you to a nice place where you can rest.
Tom: My spaghetti is talking to me.

Stewart: Get one speck of yolk in my egg whites perky girl and I will have you killed in your sleep.

O.K. I should stop. I know, it's not that funny. Well, maybe just one more...

Big Bird: Hey, you're kind of cute. How about after the show you come on over to my nest and I'll show you my Snuffleupagus.

Mr. T has Gone Blingless

2006-07-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

Mr T announced Thursday at the Television Critics Association summer meeting that after witnessing the destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina, he could no longer bear to wear his signature gold chains.

Mr. T, whose real name is Lawrence Tero, told reporters, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate. It was like The Lord himself came to me and said, 'T., how the hell can you wear all of that gold jewelry when all of those poor mothers can't even buy a hotdog?' I was surprised. That wasn't how I expected The Lord to talk."

Mr. T was heavily critical of the host of celebrities who flocked to Katrina following the disaster, "I saw some, I call it `sorry celebrities.' They'll go down there and hook up with the people to take a photo-op. I look at Sean Penn and all I can think is he's a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Responding to Mr. T's indictment, Penn told reporters, "He's right, I'm a steaming pile of elephant crap."

Mr. T's announcement sent shockwaves through both the entertainment and political world.
Celebrity activist Brad Pitt wasted no time in issuing a statement concerning Mr. T's actions, "Angelina (Pitt's girlfriend Angelina Jolie for those of you who have been living in Siberia or suffering from a brain injury) and I were extremely inspired by Mr. T's removal of his jewelry. Therefore, we have decided to have another baby and sell the first pictures of that baby to the highest bidder. All proceeds will go towards the buying of new jewelry for Mr. T."

President Bush choked back tears at a morning press conference held from the site of the G8 summit in the former Soviet Union, "I think this is a sad day for all Americans. I only hope that one day we can all live in a world where Mr. T can wear his jewelry again. I know all Americans join me in saying that this is the legacy we want to leave our children."

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was also on hand for the press conference, added his sentiments. "George, you typical, self centered, stinkin American scumbag, we Russians still watch A-team every Friday night at 8 p.m. What do you filthy American scumbags know about A-team?"

President Bush grinned at the Russian President and responded, "Oh Vladimir, Shut the %@*! up."

At a later press conference, when reporters questioned Mr. T as to why he waited almost a full year after Hurricane Katrina to make his announcement, he responded, "I don't know, but it has nothing to do with my new talk show, I pity the fool, debuting at 8 p.m. on TV land."

When asked about his opinion on the current crisis in the Middle East, T. responded with his typical Clubber Langesque flourish, "I pity the fools that f--- with Israel. Cough up Gilad and the rest you crazy terrorist bastards and end the conflict."

Go A-Team!

Editor's Note: I do not endorse nor do I approve of the use of the work bling.

Grandma Out and Kinky In

2006-07-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

Independent gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn filed suit today against Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams over his ruling that her nickname Grandma would not be allowed on the November ballot.

Williams ruled earlier in the week that Grandma is not a nickname, but a slogan. After the hearing, Williams explained his ruling to reporters, "Obviously she is using the name Grandma as a slogan. It's the same thing as if she wanted to call herself Carole"Wheat Thins" Keeton Strayhorn. It's just not appropriate, and now, if you'll excuse me, I'm jonesing for a Wheat Thin."

Strayhorn, who is running as an independent candidate on the big hair and frivolous law suits platform, was outraged by the ruling, "There are some things that are just worth standing up for in court. One of them is every American Citizen's right to be called Grandma on a ballot. Other rights covered by the constitution include the right to let it all hang out at the beach and the right to smoke while sitting on whatever toilet I happen to be on at the time."

Strayhorn's attorney, Roy Minton, said that the idea of Grandma being just a slogan is ridiculous. "Grandma isn't a slogan, it's a nickname. The woman's been called Grandma since she was fourteen years old. Williams is a lunatic. Look how he keeps rambling on and on about Wheat Thins."

In a seeming contradiction, Secretary of State Roger Williams allowed Strayhorn's competitor Kinky Friedman to be listed on the ballot as Richard "Kinky" Friedman. By way of explanation, Williams said, "There is nothing wrong with Kinky on the ballot. I for one appreciate some Kinky in the voting booth on election day."

Friedman and Strayhorn are trying to defeat incumbant Governor Rick Perry. When asked how he felt about the upcoming election, he told reporters, "I'm running against Kinky and Grandma. I'm so worried I'm not even going to start packing up all my crap in the governor's mansion. Now if I was running against a kinky grandma, that might be a different story. Someone get me Phyllis Diller on the phone immediately and pass me that box of Wheat Thins. Great Taste, Big Crunch!"

Strayhorn first gained notoriety when she filed suit against the state of Tennessee because she stepped in gum on a public sidewalk during a vacation to see the Grand Ole Opry. The lawsuit, which was settled out of court for two free Grand Ole Opry tickets, sited Strayhorn's extreme emotional pain and suffering. At the time Strayhorn was quoted as saying, "It was so damn gross I had to go home and change my slingbacks. I thought I was going to barf. I filed suit so that no American should have to suffer like I did. This is why our founding fathers created the American Judicial system"

Editor's Note: I have no affiliation with Wheat Thins. No one is my family has any affiliation with Wheat Thins. At least seven years have passed since I have eaten Wheat Thins; however, I have partaken of a Kosher brand cleverly named Thin Wheat. Please do not contact me directly concerning Wheat Thins.

Chiefmommy Returns From Vacation

2006-07-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the complete lack of updates. I have been cooling my heals down in the Old Dominion for the last ten days. Updates will resume tomorrow.

People Magazine Names Sexiest Man Alive 2006

2006-06-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has been name People Magazine's sexiest man alive for 2006.

President and Mrs. Bush hosted a formal White House dinner tonight to honor Koizumi who will leave office in September after serving as Prime Minister for five years.

As a token, the Bushes gave Koizumi, an avowed Elvis fan, a vintage jukebox which contained twenty five Elvis tracks. Koizumi selected `I Want You, I Need You, I Love You,' and shared a soulful duet with the President.

First Lady Laura Bush reflected on the duet, " I have to say that was one of the most touching moments of the entire Presidency. My husband rarely gets so touchy feely with small Japanese men. But, something about this small Japanese man is just so darn sexy."

After the ballad was over, the real fun began when Koizumi selected, "You ain't nothin but a hound dog" on the jukebox and began singing and widely gyrating his hips in pure Elvis fashion.
The room erupted in feminine shrieks of delight and several women fainted from the pure waves of sexiness that were radiating throughout the room.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had a front row seat for the show. She later told reporters, "Maybe I've just had a little too much champagne, but all I can say is 'Grrr, Tiger.'"

As Koizumi sang the line, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie." he gyrated over in from of Lynn Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney. Ms. Cheney had to fan herself rigorously with her napkin and later said, "I couldn't help myself. I was overcome with his pure sex appeal."

Secretary of Labor, Elaine L. Chao was overheard whispering to a friend that Koizumi was "one piece of prime Japanese Kobe beef."

The crowd was so enchanted with Koizumi's rendition of "Hound dog," they started shouting out their request. Before the night was over, Koizumi had delighted the White House audience with such Elvis classics as a heartfelt crooning of "Blue Christmas" and a foot stomping romp of "Heart Break Hotel." His dance moves during his grand finale performance of "All Shook Up" represented the ultimate in sexiness and had the women in the room (and some of the men) panting for mercy.

People Magazine caught up with Koizumi after the dinner and presented him with his "Sexiest Man of the Year" award. When reporters asked him what he felt was the secret behind his record sex appeal, Koizumi laughed and said, "Isn't it obvious? It's my sexy luxurious locks."

BabyOwls Scoop: Short List Swapped from Walters Desk!

2006-06-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

There was a noticeably empty chair at the table this morning on the set of the ABC girlie gabfest "The View!"

Star Jones Reynolds, who shocked the world yesterday with her announcement that she wouldn't be returning for another season of patronizing the American people, was apparently told that her stint on the view would end immediately instead of in July.

View creator Barbara Walters said to the viewing audience, "It is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. Therefore, regrettably, I told Star to pack up her crap and not let the door hit her in the fanny on the way out."

Walters told reporters that they informed Reynolds months ago that her contract would not be renewed. Walters explained to reporters that Reynolds had lost favor in the eyes of the viewers, "Our focus group results came back that people were just very uncomfortable looking at someone whose gigantic head was so disproportionate to the rest her body. One viewer told us, 'Good Gracious, can't you use special TV effect to make her head look smaller? She's freaking me out.'"

Walters did confess that the viewers of The View were also uncomfortable with her appearance. "Many of our viewers have also commented that they can't stand to look at me because my lips don't move when I talk, but I created the show so they can all take a long walk off of a short pier."

Reynolds seat is still warm and already the show biz world is all abuzz with talk of who her replacement will be. Well once again, BabyOwls has delivered an exclusive! Here is the short list which I stole of off Barbara Walters desk using a clever ruse of being there to deliver Chinese food. When she reached for the egg rolls, I grabbed the list!

Marcia Clark - Former OJ Simpson Prosecuter, Marcia Clark is the obvious choice to fill Reynolds chair. She is a lawyer like Reynolds, so she can assume Reynolds' job of explaining complex legal issues to the American people in painfully patronizing terms. Walters noted on the list that for Clark to be hired, she would have to sign an agreement to fully disclose the details of her juicy affair with fellow prosecutor Christopher Darden and to never again get a perm.

Farrah Fawcett - The former Charlie's Angel star might just provide the eye candy needed to bring in the thus far elusive male viewer. Walters noted that stipulations for Fawcett's hiring would include that she wouldn't be allowed to talk on air except for the phrases, "Yes," "No," "HaHaHa," and "You are so right Barbara." She would have to wear her hair in giant wings and she would have to lay off the smack.

Rupaul- A surefire way to get any remaining drag queens that are not already watching the show. This could also make the show look very hip as hiring Rupaul would send a message of gay acceptance. When questioned by gay publication, "The Advocate" as to why "The View!" didn't have a gay presence, Walters replied, "Isn't Joy Behar gay?" Walters noted that if Rupaul was selected, he/she would have to agree never to snap his/her fingers in a "z formation" as this is insanely annoying.

Rosie O'Donnell-comedian and Former talk show host Rose O'Donnell has already been named as moderator taking up Meredith Viera's vacant chair. Many pointed to a recent feud between O'Donnell and Reynolds as the reason for Reynolds departure from the show. Both parties denied this, but this is today's entry in Rosie's famous blog: jones go now/bw says she poopoo/i cool/i sit in chair/ jones had gastric bybass/bush bad

You heard it here first folks. BabyOwls - tell your friends.

When Flags are Sexy

2006-06-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

A proposed constitutional amendment to ban desecration of the flag lost in the Senate today. The Senators voted 66-34 in favor of the amendment, just one vote shy of the 2/3 majority needed to pass the measure.

There was some temporary confusion. After, the final count was read, Senator George Allen, Republican from the great state of Virginia, jumped up on his chair yelling, "Yee Haw we won, we won! Ratification Baby, In Your Faces!"

Senior Senator John Warner, R-VA, quickly set Allen straight by saying, "We lost you hayseed. Why don't you go read a third grade social studies book."

In a press conference this afternoon, a disappointed President Bush made his feelings known, "Which of these idiots actually voted yes for desecration of the flag? You go tell Joe Biden (Senator Joseph Biden, D-DE) that if he likes desecrating the flag so much, he should feel free to wrap himself in one and jump into the nearest landfill."

During an interview, Hillary Clinton was told about the President's harsh words, "Well, I certainly understand why the President would be upset, but I just couldn't, in good conscience, vote for a constitutional amendment which would effectively ban flags being made into rugged shirts. I mean there is nothing sexier than a man wearing a rugged flag shirt. Am I right ladies?"

When reporters told Senator Biden about the President's words, he had this to say,"I don't know what the heck he's pickin on me for, John Kerry didn't vote for the dumb amendment either. Go tell John Kerry to jump into a landfill. I just can't go home and tell my wife I voted for an amendment which would make her 1776 throw pillows illegal, and tell the President that the Tuesday racquetball game is OFF!"

Amendment Champion Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) wore a big smile as he addressed reporters after the vote, "Well, we lost one for Old Glory today, but I'm sure that the flag would be very proud of our efforts. I'm sure the flag would want to look us all in the eye and say, 'Thanks for sticking up for this grand old flag!' Of course, I can't really be sure what the flag would say, because flags can't talk. Unless, of course, you make them into puppets."

Etiquette expert Peggy Post told a group of ladies at an American Daughters of the Revolution Luncheon, "I'm really pissed off that this amendment didn't pass. The people of the United States are woefully ignorant of flag etiquette. I drive down the streets and think, 'Why don't people know how to hang up a f*&$ing flag?!'"

Why, indeed Peggy?
See this website for FAQ on flag etiquette:
http://www.usflag.org/flagetiquette.html

White House Announces "Adopt an Inmate" Program

2006-06-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Under continued pressure from the worldwide community, President Bush announced that he was seeking to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility. Guantanamo Bay is currently home to about 450 alleged members of Al-Quaeda, the Taliban and other assorted nasties, however closing the facility may be more complex than first thought.

John B. Bellinger III, the State Department's legal adviser, said in a press conference today that many of the home countries of the detainees do not want their nationals returned to them. Another concern is that the prisoners may face human rights violations in their own countries. Finally, the prisoners are smack dab in the middle of a giant intraprison ping pong tournament. With two rounds left to play, closing the prison is unthinkable.

During a recent USA/European Union summit in Vienna, European leaders put heavy pressure on President Bush to close the facility. French President Jacques Chirac said during an impassioned speech, "These poor men are being imprisoned unfairly under the most despicable circumstances. You must let them go."

President Bush, who was noticeably moved by Chirac's plea responded, "You're right Jacques. What we are doing is just plain wrong. We'll have your nationals on a plane to Paris first thing Monday morning."

An equally moved Chirac responded, "Well, that's o.k. You don't have to send them back right now. We can't get the ones we already have to stop torching cars."

In a press conference after the summit, President Bush spoke about the French Leader by saying, "You know, I just now realized that Jacques Chirac rhymes. Say it three times fast, its really quite catchy."

In order to alleviate the Guantanamo Bay situation, the government is asking the American people to step up and open their homes to the poor imprisoned rejects. The White House has just announced the brand new "Adopt an Inmate" program. The program will be headed up by newly unemployed anchorman, Dan Rather.

Dan introduced the program today during a White House Press Conference. "It works like this. You visit our website for photos and short bios of all of our inmates. If you see an inmate you like, click on his photo, fill in your name and address and he's yours. Don't worry folks, there is no credit check involved." Below are just a few of the inmates who are looking for loving homes:

Chi Du - Chi Du is an Uighurs Chinese native who was captured in Afghanistan during the initial invasion. He says when he became a terrorist he was going through a bad time in his life. "My dog had just died and I twisted my ankle, but I'm ready to put it all behind me and join your family." Chi Du enjoys backgammon and watching Fear Factor. Chi Du is concerned that if he returns home that the government will sell his spleen on the black market.

Ahmad Habib Husseini - Husseini, who is no way related to Sadaam Hussein, was captured in Bagdhad attempting to blow up an American Munitions Truck. Husseini, who has no family in the middle east, says that he really digs the U.S. and would like to live somewhere in Kentucky. Husseini enjoys playing dungeons and dragons, reading his Koran, and dancing to early eighties Madonna.

Muhhammend Al Hasim a.k.a. Musab Abu Ladin a.k.a. Hada Bin Farakkan a.k.a Fred Jones - Fred, as he likes to be called, joined the Guantanamo family shortly after attempting to blow himself up in downtown Fallujah. Fred is a British native, however the British claim that he never lived there under any of his names. Fred enjoys listening to his iPod and makes a mean bowl of chili. Won't you take Fred home today?

For more information on the "Adopt an Inmate" program, please contact Dan Rather c/o The White House "Clean up Our Messes" Department.

BabyOwls Exclusive: George Clooney Stripped of Academy Award

2006-06-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

During a press conference earlier today, Academy Board of Governors member Ed Begley, Jr. announced that George Clooney would be stripped of his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as "Bob Barnes" in last year's controversial movie "Syriana."

The announcement came as a direct result of Clooney's shocking confession on the Maury Povich show that the majority of the acting for his character "Bob the Assassin" was actually done by Survivor winner turned scofflaw, Richard Hatch.

During the popular morning talk show, Clooney told Povich about the first time he realized he bore a striking resemblance to the Survivor champ, "Steve (Director Stephen Gaghan) and I decided that for the part of Bob I would gain a little weight and let my beard grow. I woke up one morning and Richard Hatch's face was staring back at me in the mirror. All I could think was, 'Oh, Crap.'"

Clooney continued to explain to Maury how he "hatched" the idea to use Hatch, "I had been working a lot that year and I figured why kill myself if I don't have to? Rich was only too willing to have his fingernails yanked out for a few bucks and I got that vacation I so desperately needed."

Povich questioned the former E.R. star as to whether he was ever worried about getting caught, "Well," Clooney responded, "I was a little concerned when Rich started walking around the set naked. But then I remembered, they think he's me and no one would dare say anything to me, I'm George Clooney."

Povich continued to press the point by asking if Clooney was ever concerned that people would notice that the new George Clooney wasn't as good of an actor, "No, I didn't really worry about that. The best kept secret in Hollywood is that acting is actually easy. Any dumbass can do it."

Clooney said that he decided to come forward with the story when Hatch called him up and revealed his plans to use his time in prison to write a tell all autobiography entitled, "The Real Richard Hatch, The Man Behind the Shlong." Hatch told Clooney that he was going to detail his life from Survivor to the present. Some chapters that Hatch has already outlined include:

- I'm Gay, but am I Happy
- Tuesdays with Rudy
- The Snake Eats the Rat and the Cheese Stands Alone in the Nude
- How the Perv Got His Wilderness Camp
- The Day I Tallywhacked Sue off a Log and Into Stardom
- I Can Get More Dudes When People Think I'm George Clooney
- Why I'm Looking Forward to Prison

During a White House press conference, President Bush commented on the startling revelation, "Does this mean we can all get together now and vote George Clooney out of the country?"

When asked what his plans are, Clooney said that he was currently starring in Brokeback Mountain II. When that wraps, Clooney said he plans to immediately start work on a made for TV movie about the life of Richard Hatch. Clooney says that despite the striking resemblance between Hatch and himself, he will only be directing the movie. The part of Hatch is slated to be played by Jaleel White of Steve Urkel fame.

John Kerry Champions Premature Withdrawal

2006-06-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

The GOP soundly defeated two Democratic motions in the senate today which called for a withdrawal of United States troops from Iraq.

An extremely annoyed Vice President Cheney harshly criticized the democratic position in a CNN interview when he said, "Absolutely the worst possible thing we could do at this point would be to validate and encourage the terrorists by doing exactly what they want us to do, which is to leave. Good night, why don't we just paint our nails and put on dresses while we're at it?"

The first motion, introduced by Former Presidential Candidate John Kerry, D-MA., called for the US to start pulling troops out of Iraq by year's end with a complete withdrawal by July 2007. Kerry had a difficult time pleading his case as he was heckled by Republicans. Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-TN and fellow Tennessean Lamar Alexander continually interrupted Kerry by coughing the word "Sissy." The ensuing laughter led the motion's cosponsor ,Russ Feingold, D-WI to stand up and scream, "Come on, you guys are so immature." The motion was defeated 86-13.

When asked his opinion of the Kerry and Feingold withdrawal plan , President Bush told reporters, "John Kerry is so damn dumb his wife had 'I'm with stupid' permanently tatooed on her forehead. I think the people of Massachusetts must have caught a case of the stupids when they elected Senators. From now on, Kerry and Kennedy will be known as Beavis and Butthead. And Russ Feingold can blow it out his big bazoo."

A second measure introduced minutes after the first called for the beginning of a phased withdrawal from Iraq with no set deadline. The heckling continued as Senator Frist coughed the word "Crap" until the measure was defeated 60-39. Voting fell almost strictly along party lines with Senator Lincoln Chafee R-RI being the only Republican to vote for the withdrawal resolution.

When asked outside of the Senate why he voted with the Democrats, Chafee told reporters, "I voted for the resolution? Dang nabbit, I got confused and voted for the wrong thing again. I gotta lay off the scotch on voting days." Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters he was going to "bitch slap" Chafee the next time he saw him.

With everyone's eyes on November elections, there has been fierce partisan debate in the Senate over a withdrawal from Iraq. Senator John McCain R-AZ said on the Senate Floor, "Withdrawal and fail, or commit and succeed. A premature withdrawal would be disastrous, just ask John Kerry's wife."

Pleading the other side of the case Senator Edward Kennedy D-MA (aka Butthead) said, "It's wrong to affirm that 'stay the course' is a strategy for success, but then again, I'm a freaking nancy."

Livin in a van down by the river!

2006-06-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

Before he was a senator, Ted Kennedy earned his booze money through motivational speaking. Enjoy this classic.

It's the Old Heave Ho for Dan and his Ratherisms.

2006-06-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Former anchorman Dan Rather packed up his office and left CBS today, effectively ending his 44 year career. Rather assumed the CBS anchor desk in 1981 following the retirement of broadcasting icon, Walter Cronkite.

Rather resigned the anchordesk last March following speculation that he fabricated evidence for a story on President George W. Bush's military record. He was supposed to produce segments for sixty minutes, but saw only half the airtime of other correspondents.

In an interview in October, Rather had this to say, "They don't give me much to do around here anymore, so most days I just kind of putz around the office. Usually in the mornings I work a Sudoku and then I eat my tuna sandwich. In the afternoons, I alternate between sexually harassing my secretary and prank calling Star Jones."

After announcing his exit from CBS at a morning press conference, Rather related how he was rebuffed when he offered to cover Hurricane Katrina "I walked into Sean (McManus)'s office and told him I was ready to go. I told him I wanted to go live that night with no tie and an open collar and the hurricane winds whipping through my hair. I told him that I would tie myself to a tree again like in the sixties. Sean considered sending me, but in the end decided that I should go play in traffic. It was then that I sensed that my time at the network was ending."

In a telephone interview, CBS News and Sports President Sean McManus commented on Rather's exit by saying, "We put him in a tiny office with no windows and told him to go putz around. We figured he would quit eventually."

Rather was well known for coloring his reports with Ratherisms or cornball one liners designed to make everyone groan and change the channel. Below are some of his most famous Ratherisms:

"This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."--Election Night 1996 (Real Ratherism)

"Tonight's State of the Union address reminded me that I need to go purchase some more Blue Star Ointment." --Clinton's 1995 State of Union Address

"They may have turned this up, whether you had the Paula Jones case or not. But again maybe not, but again that's like if a frog had side pockets he'd probably wear a handgun."--Dan Rather on The Late Show with David Letterman, February 5, 1998. (Real Ratherism)

"Linda Tripp is so sexy that I'm going to coat her in chocolate and marshmallow and say I want S'more." --Commenting on Linda Tripp's 1999 plastic surgery

"There is something about election night that makes me want to sit back and relax with a smooth Colt 45." --Election Night, 1976.

It don't mean a thing if they don't get those swings." --Election Night, 2004 (Real Ratherism)

"Things are pretty nutty here in Kabul. There are bullets whizzing past my head, but I'm safe because my collar is open and I'm high as a kite." Reporting from Afghanistan, 2001

"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, damn right they're better than your's." After having one too many Rob Roys at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

Veteran Anchorman Tom Brokaw wished Rather well in the media by saying, "Thank Heavens he's retiring. I can't stand looking at him."

A Namibian Delivery for Britney's Newest Bundle?

2006-06-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Namibian Deputy Environment and Tourism Minister Leonard Jooste released a statement yesterday saying that he had been contacted by persons representing jiggly popstar and expectant mother Britney Spears concerning the possibility of Spears giving birth to her second child in Namibia.

Jooste later told reporters that there was a "definite possibility" that this would happen. Jooste said that the Namibian government would be more than happy to issue the necessary visas to Spears, but may have to decline admission to the country to Britney's husband, ManSlut Kevin Federline. Jooste explained, "We don't let just anyone into Namibia, we have our standards ya know."

Namibia would certainly afford Britney the privacy she so desperately craves. She came under fire recently for being photographed driving with her newborn son in her lap. Britany defended herself by saying, ""I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive, We're country." Britney says that at two months old, Sean Preston was a natural driver, very country.

Britney has also had to vehemently deny reports that her marriage to ManSlut Kevin Federline is on the rocks and that she makes him sleep in the basement. Spears told Matt Lauer on "Dateline" that her marriage to Federline is "awesome" and he only goes down to the basement to smoke his dope and look at internet porn.

Later on in the show ManSlut Federline told Lauer, "I don't what everyone is picking on me for. I married a teen queen and now I got Wynona in a bleach blond wig."

It seems that Federline is making an honest effort to make a living above and beyond his floundering rap career. Blue Marlin Clothing line has signed Federline to hawk there new line of vintage style clothing to be sold at Macy's. A representative of Blue Marlin Clothing had this to say, "We really want to market this clothing line to the white trash market. Our message is you can be stylish and unwashed at the same time. Look at ManSlut Kevin Federline."

When asked if he will resume his rap career, Federline had this to say, "Uh, sure." When asked if he would like to accompany Britney to Namibia for the birth of their second child, he replied, "Heck yeah, I love Vegas!"

This will be the second child for Britney and Federline. Federline has two children, Kori and Kaleb from his previous marriage and Lord only knows how many others.

The Scandal Now being Called "Shadesgate"

2006-06-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

President Bush personally apologized yesterday to a reporter for a joke that he made referencing the reporter's sunglasses. During a Rose Garden press conference, President Bush asked L.A. Times reporter Peter Wallsten if he was going to ask his questions with his "shades on." The President then quipped that for the viewers there was no sun.

It was later revealed to the President that Wallsten suffers from a form of macular degeneration and must wear the sunglasses to protect his eyes from glare.

Upon learning this, the President called Wallsten on his cellular phone to apologize. The President told Wallsten that he "needles" the White House Press corp out of affection. Wallsten reassured the President that there was no need for apology and that he should feel free to "needle away."

The President responded by saying, "Well then shadesboy, the next time you ask me a question about Karl Rove, I'm going to take a needle and jam it right into your spine." Wallsten reported that the before ending the conversation, the President laughed maniacally and said, "Hey Pete, how many fingers am I holding up?"

The President is known for his jocularity with the White House Press Corp. Below are some "funnies" that the President made today at the expense of senior reporter Helen Thomas:

-If your hair is so processed that even Miss Clairol says, "Give it a rest"- you might be Helen Thomas.
-If your head is so empty, that when you pick your nose you have to watch out for the vacuum - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If your mouth is so big that John Walsh goes in there looking for missing kids - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If you are so fat that your mouth and your ass are in different zip codes - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If you keep showing up at White House Press Conferences, even though you haven't been called on in three years - you might be Helen Thomas.
-If people frequently mistake you for some helium sucking birthday boy - you might be Helen Thomas.

The President encouraged others to chime in with their "You Might be Helen Thomas" jokes, but time ran out. Helen Thomas told fellow reporters that she is still waiting for her apology from the President.

Bill Clinton Uses Mouth to Make Cash in 2006

2006-06-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's financial disclosure documents, which were released earlier today, revealed that her husband, former President and sexaholic Bill Clinton had made over 7.5 million dollars for various speaking engagements during 2006.

Clinton was paid a reported $675,00 for addressing a two day seminar given by motivational guru, Tony Robbins. In an interview given last year, Clinton said he did the engagement as a personal favor to Tony Robbins, "The money is nice, but working with Tony is hardly like working. His large teeth are so damn motivating."

Clinton was also paid $800,000 by Gold Star International for a four day South American speaking tour. In a man on the street interview, construction worker Tony Perrelli responded to Clinton's heavy speaking fee, "What the heck is he talking about for 800 grand? Unless of course he has his own slideshow from the whitehouse. I might pay to see that."

Clinton's spokesman Jay Carson assured the public that Clinton's paid speaking engagements took a back seat to his various philanthropic activities, "Between the foundation and work on Katrina and the tsunami, paid speeches are actually a very small part of his schedule, of course he also has to have time to commit lots of adultery."

The report disclosed that the former President had made a significant amount of money from other endeavors which included:
- Official Spokesman for Girls Gone Wild - Uncensored
- Undisclosed sums of blackmail and extortion
- Selling the rights to his quotables "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." and "I did have sexual relations with that woman, and it was wrong." to Motorola to be used as ringtones.
- Cover Model for Sluts of the Whitehouse 2007 calendar. Look for him in an Uncle Sam hat and not much else as Mr. July.

Senator Hillary Clinton said in an interview late this morning that she was happy for Bill and his success and she looks forward to inheriting the money when he dies under suspicious circumstances.

Corn on the Cob on the menu at Camp David Council

2006-06-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and other top advisors kicked off a two day war council today at Camp David to discuss, among other things, the future of American involvement in the war in Iraq and the responsibilities of Iraq's neighbors in the Middle East.

This council comes as Republicans try to gain momentum for the war in Iraq in the face of continued Democratic criticism. Senate Democratic leader and major bag of wind Harry Reid said in yet another long speech in Washington that Americans "deserve a plan from the president, one that provides our troops with an exit strategy from this seemingly intractable conflict and I am going to keep talking until they get it. And if they don't get it, I'll talk more and I'll use more big words like intractable. Then, I'll talk more. Damnit,I like pickles!"

A poll released today showed that less than one third of all Americans approve of the President's handling of the war. This is a record low approval rating for the President. A related poll showed that 80% of Americans approve of pickles with a startling 68% preferring the kosher gherkin variety. A final poll showed that less than 3% of Americans know who Harry Reid is and can identify him in a photograph.

Speaking from a press conference at Camp David this afternoon, the President had this to say, "I keep reminding the American people that the stakes are worth it, it is worth it to help Iraq succeed. It is worth it to have a democracy in the Middle East. Just today a brand new Duncan Donuts opened up in Baghdad. I don't care how much that major bag of wind Harry Reid talks, pretty soon their will be pickles in Baghdad. That's what I call prevailing"

When reporters asked President Bush what his feeling were concerning slain Al-quaeda leader Abu Mossad al-Zarqawi's replacement, President Bush replied, "I haven't met the guy yet, but I'm sure he sucks. We'll be planting a big red, white and blue foot in his ass."

When reporters questioned Bush as to why Vice President Cheney was so grumpy the President laughed and replied, "Oh don't mind him. He's just p.o.'d because his wife accidentally washed his white shirts in the same load as a pair of her red underpants."

Vice President Cheney denied the allegations saying, "That's not true. I'm just really, really bored. All of this talk about pickles has put me in the mood for a Harvey Wallbanger."

When asked what was on the schedule for the council for the rest of day, the President replied, "We are going to eat corn on the cob and then we are going to do some swimming."

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Craft Projects

2006-06-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

Al-Qaida terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed this morning in a targeted attack on his safehouse just north of Baghdad. Al-Zarqawi, who was second only to Osama Bin Laden as the world's most wanted terrorist, caused the deaths of countless innocents through bombings and beheadings.

Photos of al-Zarqawi's bloodied dead face have been widely circulated and downloaded all over the internet, which have led many to ask the question, "What should I do with my photo of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi?" The photo to the right shows an American soldier who chose to place his photo in a large frame. While one can't go wrong with classic frames, in case you are looking for something a little more creative I have provided a few simple craft projects. You'll need an inkjet printer and some simple supplies which can be purchased at any craft store.

*Cute Cocktail Coasters - Print out six small photos of al-Zarqawi and carefully trim the background away from his bloodied head. Using modge podge craft glue, apply one photo each to the bottom of six glass discs. Seal with extra modge podge - do not put into the dishwasher. Great for use when drinking your post hangover Bloody Mary.

*Embroidered throw pillows - Use cross stitch software to make a grid of the photo. Print it out on iron on paper and apply to off white fabric. Embroider al-Zarqawi's face using embroidery floss and don't be afraid to use vivid colors. When finished, sew to sofa coordinating fabric with wrong sides facing - leaving a side open for stuffing. Turn inside out and insert pillow form, close opening. Throw pillow on couch and sit your fanny right on top!

*Statement tees - Statement tees are all the rage now and these won't be any different. Print al-Zarqawi's face onto iron on paper and iron on to your favorite tee. (Irons are for adults only kids!) Use iron on letters to add a cool statement below photo such as:
- Fallujah - Wish You Were Here!
- I'm with stupid
- I was blown to bits and all I got was this stupid t-shirt
- If the safe house is rockin, don't come a knockin

These are just a few ideas I came up with. First lady Laura Bush is getting in on al-Zarqawi craft fever. In an interview this morning, Mrs. Bush told Katie Couric that she had already made the President a baseball cap which bore al-Zarqawi's post-mortem picture with the words,"Take that Bee-yatch!" She said she is currently crocheting the President some al-Zarqawi golf club cosies.

Happy Crafting!

In memoriam Abu Musab al-Zarqawi - Burn in Hell you Bloody Bastard.

Ted Kennedy joins the Village People

2006-06-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

The senate is debating passing a constitutional amendment which will ban gay marriage in all fifty states. The bill is strongly supported by the president and conservative republicans who oppose giving individual states the right to redefine the family.

The white house issued the following statement to the press, "The administration believes that the future of marriage in America should be decided through the democratic constitutional amendment process, rather than by the court orders of a few. After all, the bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

The future of the bill looks bleak with democrats and moderate Republicans opposing the ridiculous measure. Never the less, Senator Ted Kennedy (D. Mass) feels the need to take a strong stance to assure that the amendment will not pass. In a statement issued to the press this morning, Kennedy has announced that he will wear leather pants to the senate floor every day until the bill is struck down.

Kennedy said this to reporters at this morning's press conference, "The Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution. I feel I need to put a human face on this for my colleagues across the aisle, that is why I will wear leather pants to work from here on out." When asked by reporters if this meant that Kennedy was in fact homosexual, he replied, "Hell no, but I do enjoy listening to Elton John from time to time."

Kennedy's fellow Senators had mixed reactions when a leather clad Kennedy reported to the senate floor at 11a.m. this morning. Barbara Boxer (D. Ca) said, "I think he looks completely foxy." After saying this, she put two fingers in her mouth and let out a loud whistle.

Norm Coleman (R. MN) said, "I can only think of one way to describe it. From the back he looked like two black hefty bags that had been stuffed to capacity with human brains."

After seeing Senator Kennedy walk by, Senator Orrin Hatch (R. UT) had this to say, "MY EYES! MY EYES! Someone give me something to poke out my eyes!"

At the close of business, Senator Kennedy reported that the leather pants were uncomfortably hot, "I don't know how the gays walk around in these things. This is just one more way that gays face and overcome adversity every day."

Editors Note: I am in favor of legalized gay marriage. Check out Ted Kennedy's man breast.

Namibian Cesarean

2006-05-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

Reports have confirmed that Angelina Jolie delivered a healthy 7lb baby girl by cesarean section at the Cottage Medi-Clinic located in Namibia. Doctor's present at the birth said that the birth went "flawlessly".

Jolie's American Doctor, Dr. Jason Rothbart had this comment for reporters following the birth, "Everything came off without a hitch. Angelina's makeup and hair looked fabulous throughout the entire procedure."

Female staff members were less taken with American heartthrob Brad Pitt. One medical assistant, speaking under condition of anonymity had this to say, "We all thought he would be hot, but up close he's just ugly and a little effeminate."

Pitt and Jolie raised eyebrows with their choice to deliver their daughter in Namibia. Head of Obstetrics at Mt Sinai hospital, Dr. Pierre Upyur Kooch (P.U. Kooch M.D.) commented, "I don't see what everyone is so upset about. Namibia is a great place to deliver a child if you can get past the dysentery and tribal warfare. Oh, and the flies are a little off putting."

True to celebrity form, Jolie and Pitt decided to name their child something stupid - Shiloh Nouvel. Brad Pitt told reporters, "Yeah, its always been a dream of mine to have a child and name it after Neil Diamond's imaginary friend." (obscure song reference)

During a White House press conference, reporters asked President Bush if he had any well wishes for the couple and he had this to say, "The next person who uses the term Brangelina in the White House is going to get a bullet between the eyes."

Jihad Shmeehad

2006-05-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

In a joint press conference held with British Prime Minister Tony Blair on Thursday, President Bush expressed regret over the use of provocative language in reference to the war on Terror. He specifically mentioned regretting using the terms "Bring it On" and "Wanted Dead or Alive" when referring to Osama Bin Laden.

When asked by reporters if there were any other phrases that he would refrain from using in reference to terrorists, the president provided this list :

- Gonna open up a big can of Texas Whoop Ass on those boys
- Neener Neener Neener
- Osama Bin Butthead
- Jihad Shmeehad
- Abu Musab Zarqawi is gonna be the guest of honor at my Fourth of July BBQ - if you get my drift.
- Nuke-ya-ler

President Bush also agreed to stop using the following terms when speaking about the Muslim religion:
- Jesus rocks and Allah rots
- Crapola

President Bush closed the press conference by apologizing to anyone in the world whom he offended with the use of the above terms and said,"I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner. However, I reserve the right to refer to Tony Blair as a pansy whenever he's not around."

Superaremos algún día

2006-05-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to save a California Community garden from development, sixties icon and current washed up has been, Joan Baez perched herself atop of a spruce tree and spewed political rhetoric.

Before beginning her shrill vocal stylings,Baez had this to say to reporters, "It's an extraordinary community of people and creativity in this industrial part of the city and it literally gives life every way,(Actual Quote!)" While the reporters stood around looking at each other and wondering what the heck she was talking about, she added, "I wonder what to do if I have to pee while I'm up in the tree."

Baez sang several songs including a Spanish version of the classic, "We shall overcome." Due to the height of the tree and the moderate westerly winds no one could hear a damn thing, which was very unfortunate for the nine people who showed up to hear her sing. Jim Festerman, a local golf course attendant, fondly remembers Baez's penchence for activism in the sixties, "I'm not even sure why I'm here, but if Baez is up in that spruce you know it's important."

During a white house press conference, President George Bush had this to say when asked for comment on the issue, "Joan Baez is up in a tree, no one told me Joan Baez was up in a tree. Put the war in Iraq on ice for a while Condi, we have more important issues to deal with."

Saving the garden from demolition will cost an estimated 16 million dollars. Concerning the cost Splash star Darryl Hannah had this to say to the L.A. times , " We've come up with $6 million, which is unbelievable. If everyone in the city just gave one dollar, this place could be saved."
(This is an actual quote. She really said that. Oh vomit.)

Local police reported that the only disturbance occurred when a couple of local huntsman mistook Baez for a large opossum and attempted to shoot her down. Sergeant Larry Helms commented, " Well, she does have a very opossum like hair do." No injuries were reported.

Zacharias Who?

2006-05-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

In a surprise move, Osama Bin Laden released a tape yesterday which not only alluded to his whereabouts, but vindicated supposed 9/11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui .

Concerning his location, Bin Laden said, "I know you guys are all looking really hard for me. Keep looking for me in those caves in Afghanistan. You're really warm. Don't waste your time looking around in Butte Montana, I'm definitely nowhere near Butte Montana."

Speaking about convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui, Bin Laden had this to say, "Frankly, I don't know who the heck this guy is. Have you seen his picture? I don't even think he's a Muslim."

In light of this startling evidence, Zacharias Moussaoui has been forced to finally admit that he had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks on NYC or the Pentagon. "O.K., so maybe I didn't have anything to do with 9/11., but I did shoot JFK."

Frustrated prosecutors had this to say, "We just wish that this moron would stop confessing to things. First it was 9/11, last night he claimed to be the unabomber and this morning he is swearing his name is Timothy McVey. We're not sure what to do with this guy."

In an unprecedented move, Judge Harry F. Kirby has decided to leave Moussaoui's fate up to the American public. Judge Kirby said to the Associated Press this morning, "We are asking the public to tune into American Idol tonight. If that sexpot Katherine McPhee wins, we'll deport Moussaoui, and if the creepy white haired guy wins we'll shoot him.

Tune into to American Idol tonight 8/7 est.

ChiefMommy has gone to the Blogs!

2006-05-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, everyone else has one. Why not me? Buckle in and get ready for more witty political commentary than you can shake a stick at. I'll be back as soon as I develop an opinion on something important.